posted
I turned around to see Heather after she called out for me. Out of all people, that spunky blonde was still following me.
“Kal, wait up!” Her ponytail bounced to the left and right as she ran after me.
“What do you want?” I grinned, knowing how much that phrase annoyed her.
She frowned, “Just making sure you don’t get yourself into another fight.”
“And why would I get into a fight?” I glared at her. “I’m not that bad of a kid.”
“You do know, you’re right when you say you’re a kid.” Heather beamed, then pointed at something behind her. “I hope you realized somebody has been following you for about ten minutes now.”
I rolled my eyes. “You?”
Heather slapped me before replying: “Some guy.” She shrugged. “He looks like he’s in his late thirties. Any peculiar reason on way he’s following you.”
I turned around to see who Heather was talking about. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw him.
“Well?” Heather asked impatiently. “Who is he?”
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Well, I can't say who it is because of the 13 line limit. =P But tell me what you think anyway.
[This message has been edited by Kale (edited November 28, 2004).]
posted
This is an example of the "he said, she said" problem. You aren't comfortable just having a conversation, perhaps feeling it ain't dynamic enough. Understandable. However, as understandable as it is, it is also hard to read.
To help you see it, I have bolded all the times you do it.
“Kal, wait up!” Her ponytail bounced to the left and right as she ran after me.
“What do you want?” I grinned, knowing how much that phrase annoyed her.
She frowned, “Just making sure you don’t get yourself into another fight.”
“And why would I get into a fight?” I glared at her. “I’m not that bad of a kid.”
“You do know, you’re right when you say you’re a kid.” Heather beamed, then pointed at something behind her. “I hope you realized somebody has been following you for about ten minutes now.”
I rolled my eyes. “You?” Heather slapped me before replying: “Some guy.” She shrugged. “He looks like he’s in his late thirties. Any peculiar reason on way he’s following you.”
posted
Edit: Phanto and I cross-posted. Phanto, your point is correct, but I don't think you specified it properly. The word "said" is never used in the narrative. However, dialogue tags ARE way over-used. End of Edit.
quote:“What do you want?” I grinned... She frowned, “Just making sure..." “And why would I get into a fight?” I glared... “You ... a kid.” Heather beamed... I rolled my eyes. “You?”
Do you see a trend here?
This has a lot of good points: it's mostly very clear, you involve us in your characters right away, and you always stick to the narrator's POV. (Actually, I'm going to quibble on the last point. "I grinned," "I glared," and "I rolled my eyes": none of these are out of POV. However, most of the time, most of us don't pay that much attention to our own features, unless we're playing poker or something. We don't even notice that we're glaring until the other person says "stop glaring at me!" So putting this many in could be called . . . well, let's say a POV exaggeration.)
However, there are a lot of slightly clumsy and/or out of place constructions. "Out of all people..." instead of just: "Of all people..." And why should he be surprised? (which is what the phrase implies.) Or: "Her ponytail bounced to the left and right." "back and forth" sounds more natural to me, though just "bounced" would probably be sufficient. Or: "knowing how much that phrase annoyed her." Why should she be annoyed by that phrase? She must hear it all the time, especially if she follows people around. She ought to be used to it. Or: "making sure you don't get yourself into another fight." As far as I can tell, he's the only one there. Or: "I'm not that bad of a kid." This seems like a whiny followup to the first part of the line. As if you've got two people talking. Well, there's more, but you get the idea. It's not terrible writing, by any means; it's just that there are a LOT of these little things.
I'd also like to know how old these kids are. I could believe anything from eight to eighteen, though if I had to guess I'd say 15-16.
The one clarity issue I had was in the two lines you deleted. The word "bitch" sounded as if it referred to "my stepmom's friend," although we already know he's a male. You must have meant it to refer to his stepmom, but on first reading it wasn't obvious (i.e., if we hadn't already known that the person following was male, I'd have been sure that his stepmom's friend was female. It just threw me for a moment).
You neglected to tell us the genre, whether you want any readers, and the length of the story.
PS "Any peculiar [PARTICULAR] reason on way [on WHY, or just drop both words altogether] he’s following you.[?]"
PPS I've got a character in my novel named Kale. I had to break both bones in his lower right leg before the end.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited November 28, 2004).]
quote:PS "Any peculiar [PARTICULAR] reason on way [on WHY, or just drop both words altogether] he’s following you.[?]"
I noticed that too. I guess I should cut down on midnight writing (can't think straight). -_-
quote:I could believe anything from eight to eighteen, though if I had to guess I'd say 15-16.
Right on the gold. ^_^
Okay, I see what you guys are saying. So I'll be watching that now. ^_^ BTW- I kinda used one of my friends younger brother to shape the character Kal. He's calls guys and girls that annoy him a bitch. ^^;;
[This message has been edited by Kale (edited November 28, 2004).]
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