posted
From the corner of her eye, Lydia could see a sea of stars filling the sky. She turned her head to look, but it blurred suddenly as the trampoline beneath her feet thrust her into the air again. There were too many to count. Thousands. Trillions.
She struggled to keep her eyes on them as she fell to the trampoline again. Dizzy, she lost her balance and fell over, laughing. The grey cat leapt to its feet beside the trampoline. “It’s OK, Pepper,” she assured him. “I won’t fall on you.” Pepper seemed to forget his moment of embarrassment, and began casually licking his paws.
“Lydia!” It was her mom. She was going to call Lydia in for the night. She said the men were coming tomorrow to take the house. She never did say where they were taking it.
Lydia wanted to stay outside as long as she could, so she didn’t answer. She bounced again, laughing at the way it turned her stomach upside down. The night air was chilly, and she could feel the dew settling, the scent of smoke still lingering in the air. Her fingers were sticky from ketchup on the hot dogs Mom barbequed.
***
I'm willing to share the first chapter with anybody who want to give me their thoughts. ~2500 words.
posted
I'll take a look at your first chapter. My only thought from the first 13 comes from the very first sentence: "...Lydia could see a sea of stars..." I think one of those see/a's neads to go. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
See/sea didn't bother me when I read it through the first time. When I re-read it, it did.
The sentence "She never did say where they were taking it," is funny, but the humor was jarring to me after the dreamy quality of the first two paragraphs. However, it tells me this girl is probably very young.
posted
I think if the see/sea thing were read out loud, it might sound a little strange, but I didn't notice it that much when I read it through silently the first time.
Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
i have the problem that my mental ear reacts exactly the same as my physical one. and the see/sea repetitiveness in quite so close of quarters is definitely jarring.
i would say either wax even more poetic and deliberately show us poetic prowess, or get rid of poeticism altogether... of course, you would have to then slowly lead us back out of the poetic and into plain prose, no one likes being in poetic for too long, unless they are really intending on reading poetry
posted
Gah, see a sea isn't an atrocity or anything. And the girl is that age. It is a bit of an odd place to begin a POV segment, but that is a separate issue.
I got that she was young both from the fact that she's jumping on a trampoline in the night and that she considers trillions to be a logical progression from thousands. But I could have gotten that she was jumping on a trampoline first, then got that she was distracted by the stars for a moment while jumping, if it had been written a bit different.
Still, it's a good opening. I'd like to read the rest of the chapter.
posted
Thanks to those who offered to take a look. I reworded the see/sea thing. I hope to have more chapters coming, so if any of you like what you get, let me know and I can send you the installments as they come (as long as it has your interest).
Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
This opening drew me into the story and I would like to read more.
I only have two nits with the opening:
1. Why say "the grey cat" - She knows the cat's name and if we are in her head she would say (in 3rd) - Pepper, her cat, ....
2. This paragraph bothers me.
quote:“Lydia!” It was her mom. She was going to call Lydia in for the night. She said the men were coming tomorrow to take the house. She never did say where they were taking it.
It is the use of "was" that bothers me. I read it as a change of tense, which confused me for a moment, like maybe Lydia could read her mother's mind or something. It might be clearer if stated more like - "Lydia!", her mother called. And maybe then have her mom say, "It's time to come in." or just plain - "Lydia, it's time to come in." and then give Lydia's thoughts on the house and why she does not want to come in yet.
Yes, it is an absurd progression, and one that reveals character. However, at the same time, I find the jump -- personally -- a little annoying. Perhaps a lower-but-still-high number, such as billions or millions?
Quote: The grey cat leapt to its feet beside the trampoline.
a) Though it's obvious shortly, the word the makes me react with "huh? What cat? Where is it coming from?"
b) Right now, the cat is refereded to in neuter form. You switch to "him" next sentence. I, again personally, dislike giving animals gender as it feelse like a melodramatic personification.
Quote: “Lydia!” It was her mom. She was going to call Lydia in for the night. She said the men were coming tomorrow to take the house. She never did say where they were taking it.
This entire chunk feels rushed and a break from the slower pace established earlier. It is disorienting, somewhat.
posted
I'm confused by you not wanting to give animals gender. Most animals come in male and female, and it seems silly to not call them "him" or "her." I'd like to hear more. (but maybe this topic isn't the right place for that.)
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Most people always call their pets "him" or "her", and in fact they tend to call other people's pets by the same gender as their own, regardless of what the other person's pet might be. Although some people tend to call dogs "he" and cats "she". Well, I'm wandering--but the point is that, if this cat is a pet, which seems pretty clear, then it's only natural for Lydia to think of it by gender.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Just thought I'd let you know that I managed to get a flu or something these past couple of days and haven't been up to anything, least of all critiquing. I'm feeling better today and will hopefully get around to giving you the feedback I promised on Monday.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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