posted
This is new, and I'm curious about the reactions to the adjectives: Sandy stared out the window at the departing tail lights and breathed a sigh of relief. The dust kicked up by the tires floated determinedly in the soggy air, blowing off to one side of the yard before it settled obstinately on the grass. She turned back from the screen and poured herself a hefty dollop of vodka, tossed it back, poured another, and sat down on the arm of the couch, breathing heavily. The backdoor swung open with the screech of spring and unoiled hinges. Barnes stomped in, gave her a hateful look, kicked the front screen door open and marched out onto the porch. He cursed when he saw the tail lights veering away up the drive, a dismal half mile of dusty gravel and mosquitoes. “You let her go.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, barked from the porch like a decaying bloodhound. “What’d you expect me to do, tie her down with a bungee cord?” “Goddamnit, Sandy! The girl’s sixteen. She got no business goin’ out there, not now, not tomorrow, not Wednesday.”
posted
If you remove the adverbs from the third sentence, not only will it read better, but it will also avoid animating the dust and swirl of air. Animating as in 'animism'. I don't mind the adjectives. They seem to fit, but I'm not sure I would want to, read a whole book of 'em.
posted
I guess I wasn't awake last night. Adverbs is what I meant. I mean, come on, how does dust settle obstinately? That just doesn't make sense. The conflict looks neat though. Wonder what I saved this under? That'll learn me not to go starting things when I'm drunk.
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 07, 2005).]
posted
Maybe they're actually little nano machines, or intelligent ninja nano machines that are cleverly impersonating dust. Posts: 552 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Hmmm..."floated determinedly in the soggy air" got me maily because the same actor then "settled obstinately" a very short time later. I suppose that the adverbs were part of it, but the main thing was the inherent contradiction.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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