posted
This fragment is all I have for now. My intent here is to start omnisciently, and zoom in to Penn, and then slip into his POV.
But then it's just an experiment, to see if this is a good direction. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A Praetorian cylinder drifted over an expanse of blue and white. Black as night, it turned wide circles, listening. But besides its own hum, all was quiet. Reality remained undisturbed. No rogue activity to pounce upon.
It passed a hundred miles above the Blue Ridge. No primitive felt its movement. But far below the rain clouds, five men felt its passing. Three of these men stood atop a cleared mountaintop, a burial field.
Two men attired in black suits eyed a third, on the far edge of the field. Had they known the identity of this third man, they would have moved in. Instead, they signaled to the primitive attendant, concealed behind the trees. Photograph. Had they given another signal, the attendant would have shot the third man, Darren Penn, dead.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited January 07, 2005).]
posted
I've never had a problem with the omniscient zoom-in, but I found this passage confusing. First of all, omniscient zoom-ins need to zoom in faster than this. The first paragraph lays the ground and sort of spiral into a person's head. But that's not the biggest problem I had with this passage. Actually, I'm going to do an in-line on this one. My comments will be in ALL CAPS
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A Praetorian cylinder drifted over an expanse of blue and white. BLUE AND WHITE WHAT? THIS SENTENCE ALMOST DOES NOT FEEL COMPLETE Black as night, it THERE IS SOME REFERENCE CONFUSION HERE, STARTING WITH "BLACK AND WHITE" AND CONTINUING WITH "IT". I REALIZE YOU MEAN THE CYLINDER, BUT IT DOES NOT FLOW FROM THE FIRST PARAGRAPH, i THINK BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU END THE FIRST SENTENCE WITH BLUE AND WHITE_____? turned wide circles, listening. THE ATTRIBUTION OF A HUMAN CHARACTERISTIC TO A NON-HUMAN OBJECT IS CONFUSING HERE. AS THIS IS SCIENCE FICTION (I THINK) THIS IS LIKENED TO A METAPHOR WHICH I WILL TAKE LITERALLY UNTIL I UNDERSTAND YOUR RULES. HOW CAN A CYLINDER LISTEN? But THIS SHOULD NOT BE A NEW SENTENCE, i THINK THE PRECEDING PERIOD SHOULD BE A COMMA AND THIS BUT SHOULD BE THE CONJUNCTION IT IS DESIGNED TO BE. besides its own hum,DELETE COMMA all was quiet. Reality remained undisturbed. No rogue activity to pounce upon.
It passed a hundred miles above the Blue Ridge. No primitive felt its movement. But far below the rain clouds, five men felt its passing. Three of these men stood atop a cleared mountaintop, a burial field. HERE I BEGIN TO GET CONFUSED ABOUT THE FIVE MEN...YOU SAY THREE ARE ATOP A MOUNTAIN AND IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH YOU TALK ABOUT TWO, BUT WHICH TWO? THE TWO YOU HAD NOT MENTIONED OR TWO OF THESE THRESS. i'M HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH ENVISIONING THE PLACEMENT OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Two men attired in black suits eyed a third, DELETE COMMA on the far edge of the field. Had they known the identity of this third man, they would have moved in. Instead, they signaled to the primitive attendant, IF THE PRIMITIVE ATTENDANT IS THE ONE WHO IS CONCEALED BEHIND THE TREES THEN YOU NEED TO DELETE THE COMMA. THE WAY IT READS NOW, THE TWO MEN WHO SIGNALLED ARE CONCEALED BEHIND THE TREES. concealed behind the trees. Photograph. Had they given another signal, DELETE COMMA the attendant would have shot the third man BUT THERE WERE FIVE MEN...THIS IS CONFUSING, Darren Penn, dead.
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But the good news is that aside from a little bit of confusion about who is where and a few unnecessary commas, I am very curious to know who Darren Pern is. Even not being inside anyone's head I sense that there is a great deal to him and I would definitely be interested in reading further to find out more about him when you get around to it.
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