posted
"I understand your reluctance to fight, to start a battle when we have never in history initiated one. But now is not the time for us to be weak of heart, as well as mind. This threat will only grow stronger; it will only become a larger thorn in our sides as the time goes on. He is my brother, I am quite aware of what he is capable of achieving when he has the resources at his disposal. "I ask, no.. I plead with you all, the council of this great kingdom, to do something about this approaching menace and not just sit back while more small villages are burned down to the ground and more of our precious children mercilessly killed! I, for one, can no longer stand this carnage and take it sitting down. I can no longer just defend our homes as those Oakenese scum rain down upon our peaceful lives and cause undue grief and suffering for our people!"
I know it is all dialog but there wasn't really room to toss in the little bit of description that I used--and is actually inaccurate--so I just chopped it. So anyway, there’s a lot of history that might be needed to truly understand this, but since I don’t have the room I’ll just state that this is a small chunk from the fantasy novel I recently finished the first draft to. It takes place on another planet and it does have magic casting and sword wielding dragons, healer griffins, and the unique, once human, race of my creation.. don't know if that helps any.
posted
Glad to see you diving in. It's hard to know how to help with this because I'm not sure what you're looking for. Do you want readers for the whole thing, or just feedback on this section?
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Anything and everything? Whatever someone wants to do basically. I'm not sure how well the chapters stand alone. Most are okay I think, but others might require quite a bit of explaining.
But if anyone just wants to comment on this one little bit I'd be happy with just that.
posted
Quarla, is this not the beginning of your story? Typically, though not always, we do the first 13 lines. Any 13 will do, really, but it's interesting that you chose these. Any particular reason?
Since I'm taking a break from my story, I will take this one sentence and tell you what I think...
quote:"I ask, no.. I plead with you all, the council of this great kingdom, to do something about this approaching menace and not just sit back while more small villages are burned down to the ground and more of our precious children mercilessly killed!
It's a bit hard to speak as written. Try saying it aloud as if you were an actor. It's quite a mouthful, as it were. I suggest breaking it up a bit. Maybe kinda like this:
"I ask you--no... I plead before this kingdom's great council that all of you will do something about this approaching menace. Please, do not sit idly while more villages are burnt to the ground and our precious children are mercilessly slaughtered!"
I feel this flows more naturally when it's two sentences rather than one. You might disagree, tho'. I used different words, but you can still use all of your words to the same effect.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited January 19, 2005).]
posted
It's okay to think in long sentences, particularly for a narrative voice. But I find dialog usually wants to be a bit more succinct. It makes it easier to establish the rhythm that is crucial to good dialog.
I like the growth and thorn metaphors, but they could be combined and taken further.
You can also echo the growth idea in reference to the brother.
Something like this:
quote:"I understand your reluctance to fight, to strike first. In all our history we have never done so before. But now is not the time for us to be weak of heart as well as mind. This threat will only grow; if unchecked, this thorn in our side will take root and flourish at our expense. He is my brother, I am quite aware of what he is capable of achieving if he has the resources. And by failing to act now, we only give those resources time to grow too."
I don't know if you find that an improvement or not. But I really liked the 'growth' metaphor and thought it could be used more consistently to give the passage weight.
Jefficus
*Edited some typos.
[This message has been edited by Jefficus (edited January 21, 2005).]
quote:"I ask, no.. I plead with you all, the council of this great kingdom, to do something about this approaching menace and not just sit back while more small villages are burned down to the ground and more of our precious children mercilessly killed!
My tuppence (for free):
The whole sentence could be tightened, by removing any word that serves as mere amplification. I would edit this sentence down to at least the following:
quote:"I ask you -- no, I plead with you, wise counselors -- to do something about this menace and not sit back while more villages are burned to the ground and more of our precious children are slaughtered!"
My rationale: (1) The dash is more immediate than ellipsis dots. He's not trailing off, he's modifying his sentence in mid-stream. (2) Changed "you all, the council of this great kingdom" to "wise counselors". The council knows who they are and the passionate nature of this utterance leaves me thinking that he would leave the formal language of protocol (if that is what this is) behind and address the conselors personally rather than corporately. Just a matter of taste, that. (3) Changed "approaching menace" to just "menace". He's not arguing against a potential threat; the "menace" is already burning villages and killing children. (4) Changed "more small villages" to "more villages". The idea of "small" comes along with "village" by definition, so the adjective is otiose. (Yay! I used "otiose" in a sentence.) (5) Changed "burned down to the ground" by removing "down". The ground is "down", so that word is also superflouous. (6) Changed "mercilessly killed" to "slaughtered", which means basically the same thing, but has more impact.
Even better might be:
quote:"I ask you -- no, I plead with you, wise counselors -- to do something about this menace and not sit back as our villages are burned to ground and our precious children slaughtered!"
Then I would probably go so far as to make the tacit accusation of the council more explicit, but this is again a matter of taste:
quote:"I beg of you, wise counselors: Do not allow more of our villages to be burned to the ground, or more of our children to be slaughtered!"
posted
By way of illustration, here's the entire quote you posted, after "tightening":
quote:"I understand your reluctance to start a war, when we have never done so before. But now is not the time for weakness of heart and mind. This thorn will only grow as time goes on! He is my brother, and I am well aware of what he can achieve when he has resources at his disposal.
"I ask you -- no, I plead with you, wise counselors: Do not stand idly by and allow our villages to be burned and our precious children slaughtered! I, for one, cannot stand this carnage any longer, and I will not take it sitting down. I can no longer simply defend our homes while Oakanese scum destroy our peace and rain down suffering upon our people!"
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