posted
Which of these do you think makes the most interesting beginning? (yes, I know, the story that follows is slightly different according to which beginning you pick)
Beginning #1:
"There were too many things Ilya had forgotten.
She had come to the temple late one night, the Head priestess said, on the day after. After what? She had asked, and the priestess had looked oddly at her. After he died, child, she had said.
It was hard to remember. Her life started and ended within temple walls, she had always been enclosed safely within them, always known the silence at night. But sometimes, at night, when no-one was in the room, she would weep a little, for the past. For Lysae, whom people believed was a god incarnate, but whom she had known as a mortal.
And now two men stood before her, and asked her to come to the holiest city of Lansara, and to speak of her lover. I cannot, she thought. I no longer remember."
Beginning #2: "They came for Ilya at dawn. She had been waiting for them for some time now, ever since she had found refuge in the temple after Lysae’s death. She had known upon entering that the shelter the priests could give her would be nothing more than temporary, and that the King would find her no matter how far she fled.
From where she stood, in the gallery around the courtyard, Ilya saw clearly the riders dismount before the temple, and take off their sandals – for, no matter how much they might have believed in the gods, the temple was still a scared place, and customs had to be honoured.
They wore broad tunics, with breastplates and a dagger-belt. She knew the name of their unit: Liandra’s Men, and also knew that there was no point in running, unless she wanted five daggers in her legs."
posted
I like the second one better; but that is purely subjective. The opening line hooks me better, perhaps because it introduces conflict immediately, and the rest of the opening carries it on.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:She knew the name of their unit: Liandra’s Men, and also knew that there was no point in running, unless she wanted five daggers in her legs."
I have to mention this, since it is one of the issues I have to watch for in my own writing. Be carefull of saying "he/she knew".
Look at it without it.
quote: Liandra’s Men, and there was no point in running, unless she wanted five daggers in her legs."
Specifying that the character knew something, and specifying that the narator must point this out has an adverse effect on the story. Just give us the information as fact. If you say it is Liandra's men, then they are. If you say she knows they are Liandra's men, that leave some room for doubt. What if they ar not?
As for which I like better. The first has some inconsistancies that left a few questions. I would think that a temple would not be a place lovers would spend their time.
The second jumps right into the story, and lacks the minor history of the first.
posted
I preferred the second, it seemed tighter and conveyed basically the same information without seeming like you were lecturing.
My only problem, and this is minor, was that "she" was being harbored and protected by priests rather than sisters.
I know my feelings on this are colored by real life examples of monastic orders and sisterhoods, but most are segregated by sex. The reasons initially were not prudish so much as practical, to avoid issues of childbirth and inheritance among offspring from initiates.
Does your church have a more practical approach to sex and children or is it something different?
posted
i'd go with segment #2. several reasons. one, as has already been mentioned, is that it jumps right into the action. two, the first goes with that use of vague pronoun: "he". now, this might just be my personal preference, but if i encounter this in a story instead of "Bob died," i'm liable to just close the book. putting a name in front of a pronoun, or at least a relationship, gives us something to go with. three, #1 talks about her coming to this temple, and then turns right around and says she had always been there. unless i missed something.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I'd suggest starting with the second paragraph of #2, proceeding to the third and then using the first (the only thing from that first that should still be in the new first paragraph is the fact that it is dawn). I'd also use pretty much everything from the first version when her escorts introduce themselves.
As far as being under the protection of priests or priestesses, it is not unheard of for both to be in the same order with separate duties (and living quarters). Where this is the case, it is quite common for a person seeking some kind of sanctuary to be under the protection of the priests collectively even if the order is headed by a priestess and the refugee is a woman living in the priestesses quarters.
But it is not exactly impossible that the opposite could be true, so do whatever you think best serves your story, as long as you work it out to your own satisfaction.
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