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Author Topic: Looking for Feedback
W. Rought
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Hello I am new to the forums. I have been writing for over 2 years now, but know very few people that can give me feed back on my stories or my style. So if anyone is interested please let me know and I will be happy to email you some of my work to read over. I think you would enjoy it. Anyway this is the begining of the prologue to a story series titled "Tavern Tales". I can go into more detail on the series later, but for now check this out!
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It was a pleasant spring day in the great forest of Faedendria. A light breeze blew, stirring the treetops and underbrush as the wildlife went about its daily chores. All was peaceful and serene, except in the heart and mind of Searph Songangel. Her soft blue eyes searched for a path through the forest as her slender figure gracefully strolled forward. She ran her fingers through her shoulder length strawberry blond hair, something she often did when troubled. When she was born she had inherited the family gift of visions, which would come to her in her dreams. Normally the gift did not trouble her but now she wished she never had it.

A reoccurring vision had been haunting her recently. Unlike her clear dreams that involved other people in the past and present, this one involved her and was cloudy. She could recall three images; a clearing in the woods, a woman standing in the clearing and three hooded and cloaked individuals facing each other while chanting. The first two images she did not understand but the three mysterious people she guessed to be Forgotten Ones. Forgotten Ones were part of an ancient sect of druids from long ago, before the great destruction where all life almost ended. They worshiped gods long forgotten and practiced strange rituals. Not like the druids of today who had lost the knowledge of these practices.


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J
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Your narrative voice is very interesting. You do a good job of establishing a pronounced "once upon a time" feel.

The POV you are using to establish the fairy-tale feel of the story is also interesting. Seems like 3rd limited, but without much penetration at all.

If you're looking for deeper crits and/or crits of a larger section, I'd be happy to see some more by email.

Welcome to Hatrack!


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NewsBys
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Again, welcome to Hatrack!

I agree that the 3rd limited POV is not penetrating deep enough. The reason it seems like that to me is because the second part of the first paragraph describes the POV character from the outside.
Also FYI - I have heard it said many times that editors label you as an amateur if you describe the character’s eye color, hair color, build, IF it is not used in the context of the story.
It would be fine to say:
“Cara cursed her red hair. It so obviously branded her an Allyran, an outsider in this land.”
That’s a sly way to put in the info, without drawing to much attention to the fact that she has red hair. Also, it makes the red hair a story element. When we give the reader info, it needs to be relevant.
I know - One could argue that the appearance of the character is relevant. I would say, “Yes, but why is it relevant?” In my opinion, when the writer can answer that question, that’s when the detail should be introduced into the story.

You could cut everything after the line that ends with “except in the heart and mind of Searph Songangel.”
Then pick up again with – “A reoccurring vision had been haunting her recently.”
It would make perfect sense and would restore the flow of the scene.

Your writing style looks pretty good to me. I don't think you will have any problem getting in the details of her appearance later in the story, as they become relevant.

That’s my two cents. Hope it is helpful. If you need a reader for the entire piece, I'm interested.


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W. Rought
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Ok I have reworked the story according to what was said here and some emails that spawned because of this post. What do yas think now? I posted a few more lines than 13 just so that I don't end it in the middle of a paragraph.

--------------------------------------------------

It was a pleasant spring day in the great forest of Faedendria. A light breeze blew, stirring the treetops and underbrush as the wildlife went about its daily chores. A lean framed female wood elf made her way through the trees. Her soft eyes searched for a path through the forest as her slender figure gracefully strolled forward, the wildlife undisturbed by her passage.

All was peaceful and serene, except in her heart and mind. She ran slender fingers through her shoulder length hair, something she often did when troubled. Since her birth, she had inherited the family gift of visions, which would come to her in her dreams. Normally the gift did not trouble her but now she wished she never had it.

A reoccurring vision had been haunting her recently. Unlike her clear dreams that involved other people in the past and present, this one involved her and was cloudy. She could recall three images; a clearing in the woods, a female elf standing in the clearing and three hooded and cloaked individuals facing each other while chanting. The first two images she did not understand but the three mysterious people she guessed to be Forgotten Ones. The thought of them made her shiver with fear. Their legends roots drew from deep into unwritten history and were the source of many childhood horror stories.

[This message has been edited by W. Rought (edited January 14, 2005).]


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utah1692
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i think this new draft is much improved over the first. i do have one question, however. what would lead her to believe the three figures were forgotten ones? do these people still exist to the people who live in the time period of the story, so she has some basis of fact or rumor, or what. aside from that, it's looking pretty good.
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Mekvat
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Welcome! My comments in ((double brackets)).

quote:
It was a pleasant spring day in the great forest of Faedendria. ((It was a dark and stormy night ...)) A light breeze blew, stirring ((could be "A light breeze stirred the treetops"; breezes always blow, so unless "blew" is there for alliterative effect, it's redundant.)) the treetops and underbrush as the wildlife went about its daily chores (("the wildlife ... its" doesn't work for me; "wildlife" isn't really singular; "the wildlife went about their daily chores" is a little better, but changing to a real plural, as in "while the woodland creatures went about their daily chores" would be better. Better yet, don't mention the critters at all!)). A lean framed female wood elf ((Could just be "A lean wood-elf (maiden/girl/woman/priestess/etc)"; giving the term "female" seems very clinical, and is not very descriptive.)) made her way through the trees. Her soft eyes (("soft eyes"; love it, but describing the POV character at all is likely to get you a stern talking to.)) searched for a path through the forest as her slender figure ((after "lean framed" .. "slender figure" is repetition)) gracefully strolled forward, (("her figure ... strolled forward" is an example of a pet-peeve of mine. SHE strolled forward, not HER FIGURE.)) (("leaving"?)) the wildlife undisturbed by her passage.

All was peaceful and serene, except in her heart and mind. ((Neat idea, contrasting her inner turmoil with the exterior serenity. The sentence doesn't quite work, though. If you worked this idea in with the description of the forest, you would have a legitimate excuse to describe the peacefulness of the forest in more detail.)) She ran slender fingers (("slender" again)) through her shoulder length hair, something she often did when troubled. ((How long is the story? If it's longer than 3K words, you can probably SHOW us that she runs her fingers through her hair when she's troubled, rather than TELLING us. "Don't tell us that the woman screamed. Bring her on and let her scream!" -- Mark Twain)) Since her birth, she had inherited (("Since her birth" ... "inherited" are more redundant terms. "She had inherited the family gift" makes plenty enough sense, and most people will assume that stretches back to her birth.)) the family gift of visions, which would come to her in her dreams. Normally the gift did not trouble her but now she wished she never had it. ((With the light penetration, this paragraph seems like an info dump.))

A reoccurring vision had been haunting her recently. ((You could probably start right there.)) Unlike her clear dreams that involved other people in the past and present, this one involved her and was cloudy. She could recall three images; ((colon, not semicolon )) a clearing in the woods, a female elf standing in the clearing and three hooded and cloaked individuals facing each other while chanting. (("facing each other while chanting" doesn't work for me; "facing each other, chanting" is better. The "while" sounds like an instruction manual to me: "insert tab into slot WHILE chanting")) The first two images she did not understand but the three mysterious people she guessed to be Forgotten Ones. The thought of them made her shiver with fear. Their legends roots drew from deep into unwritten history and were the source of many childhood horror stories. ((That last sentence wants revising.))


1) Don't give us so much description of the elf-lady. She's a wood-elf, which is enough by itself evoke a stock set of images: a slender, gracile figure with longish hair and large eyes. Since you're not doing anything unusual with the definition of a wood-elf here, why bother?

2) Same goes for the woodland creatures. Telling us that nothing special is going on with the woodland creatures ("going about [their] chores"), is wasting time. All woods have squirrels and chipmunks; unless it's important to the POV character to notice such things (maybe she's really in tune with nature), leave them out.

3) POV. The folks here have helped me tremendously with this. These days I try to think of POV like a camera, set either over the shoulder of a single character (shallow penetration) or squarely behind their eyes (deep penetration). When the camera swings around in front of the character so that we can see him/her, it's showing us either a) what the character already knows about him/herself, and b) what they wouldn't be able to see in any event. What you have here is a mix of 3rd limited (we hear/see/think along with the elf-lady) and 3rd omni (we look back at her).

4) Are you deliberately withholding the elf-lady's name from the reader? You tell us the name of the forest, but not the main character. [Update: I see the first draft had the name.]

5) Ditto on utah1692's comment about the "Forgotten Ones" -- give us just one detail that she notices. Maybe Forgotten Ones have three nostrils, or they wear a particular kind of cloak, or maybe she doesn't understand their language, but she knows what it sounds like. Or maybe the chanting and dancing is the tip-off, and you just have to make her connect that detail with the identification.

6) You say that her distressing vision contains two images that she doesn't understand, a girl and a clearing, but before you say that the vision involves her. If she's NOT the elf-girl standing in the clearing, then that should be made, ah, clearer. If she is, then she DOES understand that image, she just doesn't understand what it means, and furthermore she would likely identify the image as "herself" not "a female elf".

7) Maybe post something about what you're aiming for with the "Tavern Tales" series?

Sorry to be so negative. I'm a profoundly negative person.

[This message has been edited by Mekvat (edited January 17, 2005).]


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W. Rought
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WOW THANKS that was actualy what I was looking for. No lie. I wanted someone to honestly rip it apart like you did. Seriously I love your critque! I got about 200 more pages that need it. Interested?

P.S. Seriously there is no sarcasm here. I have been looking for someone to do what you did. Not to say I did not appreceate the other critques. They were all good.


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