posted
The light was gone. The plan had worked. The ocean of light surrounding the City was extinguished. Jenny had committed the last year of her life to creating the darkness around her. Now that she had succeeded, she was awed by its beauty.
Jenny surveyed the City, her soul glowing with the ecstasy of the glorious black. She glanced up. Clouds blanketed the night sky, covering the stars about which she had learned in school. She had seen them once, long ago, on a trip so far from the City that its light had faded to a green glow beyond the horizon. Perhaps now she would see them again, but not tonight. It was fitting that the stars remain hidden. Now was a time for darkness.
Jenny rose to one knee. Screams laced the muted air, floating from every direction. She hardened herself against pity. It was unavoidable that those who had never known night would panic at its sudden appearance.
Night. Jenny savored the rare word. Formerly rare, she thought. She giggled.
“Would you knock that off?” Kendrick said. “You’re freaking me out.”
Jenny snapped her teeth shut. The darkness seemed offended by her companion’s braying. Fool, she thought. How much longer must I endure his presence?
[This message has been edited by J (edited January 01, 2005).]
posted
Now that is an interesting opening. Set the hook in the first line; well done. I love that: "The light was gone. The plan had worked. The ocean of light surrounding the City was extinguished." Whammo, first line, right in your teeth. First thing I wonder is, WHY? I assume Jenny is an Anti-protagonist, and she has some how cut the lights off. Leaves me asking questions, wondering. Which is what it's supposed to do. I'd like to read more.
Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2005
|
posted
Yeah... I would pretty much have to exactly agree with Netstorm. I'm not going to re-word and re-type everything Netstorm just said, so.... Nice job.
Oh yeah, there is one thing... It painted a awesome mental picture as you discribed the glow of the city from far away. Maybe that was just me... Oh well. Nice job.
[This message has been edited by AStJohn (edited January 02, 2005).]
posted
To answer your question, Survivor, I'm looking for general impressions, particularly as to whether anyone finds the speed with which the reader is thrust into the unfamiliar mileu disengaging.
I'm also, as always, more than appreciative of any comments or criticisms on style and language use.
posted
Hmmm...the speed at which we're thrust into the milieu wasn't a problem, partly because we aren't thrust into a milieu just yet. The main impression I got was that this is going to be a sort of dark comedy...about darkness Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted
Nice opening, very good hook. I feel the wording is perfect, don't change a thing. I want to read MORE! email more to be please?
Posts: 35 | Registered: Sep 2004
|
Sorry I've been so non-responsive--I've been getting killed at work lately.
I appreciate those that asked for more via email. Sad truth is there isn't more than a couple of pages--yet. I plan to have a couple of chapters done in a week or two. I'd be happy and grateful to send it to whoever is still interested when it's ready.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
