posted
Greetings, all. I've been insanely busy for the past few months...real life and all that nonsense. However, I recently made a return to active writing, and I must say that the wee break has done me some good. This latest story is flowing better than I could have hoped. I penned the first 3,504 words in about forty minutes (a personal best, as I'm a comparatively slow writer ). This tale is actually a fusion of two of my older short stories...two of sixty I had sitting on my hard drive, unused and unfinished. I usually do not ask for readers until the plot is further along, though I’d really like some opinions on the way this one is shaping up.
As far as I can tell, it has no significant continuity or logic errors...though I could be wrong, as I have yet to completely dissect the first rough draft. I have a feeling that I should just pound out the rest of the story and then go back for editing and revision. I'm determined to finish this one. Anyway, the piece is currently (as I said before) around 3,504 words. The category is sci-fi, and my target length is upper-tier novelette form. The story arc is (thankfully) complex enough to justify the projected length.
Ack...I'm rambling. Basically, I wanted to know if some of you would be interested in taking a look at this beast. Be warned: this is the first rough draft, with all the usual dangers that status implies. I'll post the first thirteen lines for those who do not wish to receive the entire document (also, please specify the doc format you would prefer, as I am currently using WordPerfect 11 ; I can also send you the manuscript double-spaced for ease of critiquing, if you wish).
Both full reviews and comments on just the first thirteen lines would be greatly appreciated. I'm seriously considering this for submission, even if I have to revamp the whole thing after I have completed it. I believe the story itself is solid. The one problem you may notice is an overabundance of description, and not enough action...I'm working on that, so please bear with me. Also, in regards to the first 13, there are actually 14. I hope you don't mind, since I thought it would be better to simply finish out the first paragraph instead of leaving that last amusing sentence out. May the forum gods forgive me.
-------------------------------------------- "That Which Silence Claims"
Samuel Herek crept through the night like a shadow amidst total darkness. ‘Unseen, unheard’ was his motto, and that of his comrades. The alternative meant death for any one of them, or at least a very close brush with the reaper, as some had luckily discovered. Herek had been spotted only once in four years, and that had been immediately following the occupation, when enemy troop concentrations were highest. The patrols were fewer now, and not as heavily armed. The reduction was not significant enough to make them tame, though...not by a long shot. Herek gripped the butt of his crude pistol tightly as he recalled the blistering fire of that one unfortunate encounter. The Rayn 'ghosts' had set up an autogun at the head of an alley, camouflaged of course. He’d taken grazing hits in the right shoulder and calf, then stumbled through a nearby doorway. Hobbling away from the gun emplacement’s fury had been a harrowing experience, though he’d somehow made it. The patrol grid was still shaky in those days, and no sentient personnel had rushed to investigate the incident. The ghosts had still been occupied with the planet’s garrison forces back then. Now that they’d gutted the bigger fish, the enemy was moving in on the guppies. Probably because those guppies had bared their sharp little teeth. --------------------------------------------
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
I guess the first question is: Why are you launching into a semi-flashback thing so soon? It almost works, but it's a detraction for me.
Considering this a first draft, then some things to consider for your rewrite (which I think you should tackle after finishing the story, not before -- but that is purely preference on my part)>
Avoid redundancies... for example:
quote:Samuel Herek crept through the night like a shadow amidst total darkness.
This is nearly redundant depending on one's view... if you cut everything in this sentence past "shadow" that would solve it. Perhaps you could add "moonless" before night to make it more like total darkness. But I tend to think of "night" as being relatively dark -- if not completely dark.
But what really bugs me about that sentence is that I have no idea what he is creeping towards. Even worse, I have no idea after reading the entire paragraph. [EDIT: By the way, I get that he his hiding from the patrols, but "where is he going?" is my point.] This paragraph absolutely must state what he is creeping towards or away from else the sentence doesn't belong at all. It's your topic starter... you have to finish in this paragraph. ( I don't make the rules, btw...)
On a different note:
quote: ‘Unseen, unheard’ was his motto, and that of his comrades.
Again, preference, but I would introduce these comrades in the first sentence with Herek (if they are indeed with him at this time... otherwise, well... you know...)
quote:The alternative meant death for any one of them, or at least a very close brush with the reaper, as some had luckily discovered.
I personally feel that everything past "them" isn't needed. The parenthetical "or at least [...] isn't really needed... Actually, it sort of sets up the flashback later on in this paragraph, which itself should probably go.
Anyway, this early in the story, I want to know what he is doing, not what he did. I'll take a flashback-ish thing after I've invested in the character, but not this soon in the story.
quote: The patrols were fewer now, and not as heavily armed. The reduction was not significant enough to make them tame, though...not by a long shot.
Except for the last bit after the ellispses, I like this. More opinion coming your way, but what if you combined these two into one sentence using less words? Check this out:
"The patrols, lightly armed, were fewer; yet signifcant enough to be more than a nuisance."
You do lose a little of the "voice" in my example. And you could say something like: "less heavily armed since killing off the big fish" if you wanted to, instead of "lightly armed) like I did, which would utilize the end of your paragraph nicely....
I hope this helps... Good luck.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited February 07, 2005).]
posted
^^^ I had a feeling the introductory paragraph was somewhat unstable. It needs to include more of my overall focus and less meandering description. I'm not particularly worried, since my intros usually undergo a series of evolutions before they reach what I consider to be 'decent.' As the most important aspect of the story next to POV and overall cohesiveness, I tend to really work on the intro last, after I have completed the rest of the tale. In this way, I am able to completely draw the heart of the story's message into one decisive form. Thank you for your comments, HSO. I'll take them into consideration during my first rewrite phase. Onward!
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Hmmm...it is still quite rough-draftish, at that. Lots and lots of line-edit type things as well as the larger structural issue...any comments I gave would be along the same lines as HSO's.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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). This tale is actually a fusion of two of my older short stories...two of sixty I had sitting on my hard drive, unused and unfinished. I usually do not ask for readers until the plot is further along, though I’d really like some opinions on the way this one is shaping up. 
