posted
This is my first post. I haven't lurked nearly enough, but the forum looks exceptional, so I decided to come in head-first. Please excuse any blunders.
The following is from a complete epic novel (the first in a six book series) that I'm just about ready to put to bed. I'm anxious to get the prologue and first two chapters critiqued, but it's rather meaty: 20K words. I'd very gladly respond in kind; I have a fair amount of online crit experience.
The story is a modern horror/fantasy, but the opening scene takes place 4500 years in the past, in ancient Gabon, Africa.
"Solitude Among the Choir"
At 553, he was by far the oldest member of the tribe, and his knowledge of the spirit world, and his powers, were legendary.
But Kharrum the Golden-eyed had no desire to lead them. He sometimes gently advised, but never commanded. Such, he believed, was the role of a wise father with grown children.
Seeing his beloved tribe in extremis though, so diminished by their sorrow, he led them now in a quiet song of prayer.
Here in this evil place, now at the end of the world, nothing adequate could be said. None spoke, some wept; all were too exhausted for rage. So they sang for their dead--oh, so many of them--that the dead might find some deserved peace.
Entwined with their song, bound like fine thread to a common weave, Kharrum’s Calling Song summoned a mighty spirit.
This intro looks very good and interesting, leaving me to only nitpick on a couple of points.
quote:At 553, he was by far the oldest member of the tribe, [...]
Is that 553 years old? That's how I read it, but maybe this tribe counts ages differently... whatever it is, I think it might be a good idea to say what it is.
The other thing is:
quote:So they sang for their dead--oh, so many of them--that the [...]
I find this passage both interesting in voice and a distraction -- meaning I got hung up here while reading. Whose voice is this: the narrator's or Kharrum's? I ask because the prose so far seems omniscient up to this point, and then... we'll there's that aside -- which could be the narrator's... I suppose what I'm saying is that I've not identified the POV yet... this might be only my problem, though... others might see it more clearly.
Anyway, I'd be happy to give your prologue a look over, and we'll go from there.
posted
Welcome to hatrack. I didn't want to leave this hanging (I've been neglecting F&F for too long and need to get back to it) but I don't have time to read long stories this month. I'm trying to meet a March 1st novel proposal deadline.
So I will say this much: The opening worked fairly well. I was hung up on the 553...I thought it was an age but for a second I thought it was a year, too. Right now this reads like well-done omniscient POV (rare). It's obviously got some promise and if you had posted this two weeks ago or three weeks from now I would go ahead and ask for the prologue. In fact, if you still need help next month let me know, although I understand that once you're done and ready to go you're just read to go. Sometimes it gets to the point where the answer is send it out and don't wait for endless conflicting opinions about how good it is.
posted
Given the setting I assumed you meant 553 years old as well, after all Noah lived to 900+.
That said, I've become sensitive to doing things like just saying he's 553, as opposed to working that information in more subtlely.
Unless the 53 part is important, it would be less jarring if you said something like:
"For over 500 years Kharrum had been the reluctant voice of wisdom...blah blah blah"
I didn't used to have a problem with just plugging in an age, but so many people have been critical of it, in my work and others that I've become hypersensitive to it.
posted
Thank you all for the welcome and the replies.
I had originally written ...years of age... but cut it while trying to snip words for a tight 13 lines. I guess I got a little over-zealous. Thanks for the help.
posted
I just received a report that your prologue is "amazing." I gave it some thought and decided that I might be able to squeeze in some time to read next week, if you still want me. And if you have time, I could also use an extra set of eyes on the first three chapters that I'm getting ready to send off in a query package. So far, I've gotten good reports but only from people who read a previous version and that's suspect... Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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