I'm learning first hand how difficult it is to start a story. Some of you have read an attempt or two I've made at a first chapter. I've since changed everything. At this point I just want to know if I'm off to a reasonable start yet. Any and all comments would help. Thank you in advance.

Liz Wilston, trailing her mother through the city, lost her stride and stepped on a sidewalk crack by accident. She knew the saying, ‘step on a crack, break your mother’s back,’ but she couldn’t help it. Her father and older brother Brian walked behind her, and if they noticed an obvious break in her stride they would laugh. Liz disliked the family’s tendency to look down on her as the baby of the family. Also, the slip of paper in her back pocket had distracted her.

The message from her fortune cookie after lunch in Chinatown was an odd one. She knew not to take stock in things like fortunes and horoscopes—the wording they used said things so vaguely that anybody who wanted to could find meaning in it, but that didn’t matter. Liz reached into her pocket, and hoping that luck would take her side this time and provide a glimpse into her future, she pulled out the message.

It read The world of entertainment will provide you with an opportunity for greatness.

I'm probably not the best to offer opinion on a YA piece, so apologies for that. However, I don't see anything particular that makes me want to read further. The writing is fine, it's just the setting.

Yet, I do think the first sentence would flow better if re-ordered slightly:

quote:

---

Liz Wilston, trailing her mother through the city, lost her stride and stepped on a sidewalk crack by accident.

---

Perhaps: "Trailing her mother through the city, Liz Wilston accidentally broke her stride and stepped on a crack on the sidewalk."

That flows better in my opinion.

The end of the paragraph just strikes me is a bit out of place or coming way too late as a distraction for that results in stepping on the crack.

Hope this helps. Again, I'm not much for YA, so... take it for what it's worth -- probably little in this instance.

good luck,

HSO

I'm not sure it matters at this point. Whether YA or adult, I'm afraid I'm not finding much in here that tempts me.

"Liz Wilston, trailing her mother through the city, lost her stride and stepped on a sidewalk crack by accident."

Right here, the very first sentence, trips me up more than it tripped Liz. I'm not sure why, but I think it's the sentence structure. For some reason, simple sentence structure work best for sentence number one. They need to be snappy and grabby. Something like "Liz Wilston lost her stride and accidentally stepped on a sidewalk crack." No frills, nothing about her mother needed yet, just the plain facts.

You follow up with family details that are told rather than shown, and thus lack power. If her brother and father had noticed and actually laughed at her, that might work better. Then we can see her realtime reaction to their poking fun at her.

Then there is lead-up to a fortunate cookie message. This is the part that really lost me, I think. It felt like a tease, but not one that meant much to me. I've read hundreds of fortuntes in fortune cookies and until they actually start coming true it's not a hook.

"She knew not to take stock in things like fortunes and horoscopes—the wording they used said things so vaguely that anybody who wanted to could find meaning in it, but that didn’t matter."

So, she has the insight not to believe in fortune cookies, and yet, she struggles with not stepping on cracks?

I keep looking for threads, articles, books, anything that can clue me in to the elements of a good beginning. And I'm not talking about general "how to" advice. I need specifics that make sense.

MICE:
Millieu: When telling a story that is more about a millieu (place, setting, time travel can be a millieu as well) you begin when the main character goes to the new place and end when he returns. Example: Gulliver's Travels.
Idea: When telling a story that's main point is the eventual revelation of an idea (as in a mystery story) you begin with the question and end with the answer.
Character: When a character change is the central element, you begin with the character realizing they need a change (Note: this is NOT necessarily when their problems begin) and end when they change or accept what is.
Event: When an event is the central focus of a story (epic fantasy, more often than not) you start when something goes wrong with the world and end when its fixed (or the world ends)

Those are more general. More specifically, the book I would recommend it "Beginnings, Middles, and Ends" by Nancy Kress. I posted an exercise she suggestes in Writing Class, if you're interested. She analyzes not only where to start, but also how. THings like starting with conflict. (In fact, if you don't start with conflict, it's a difficult, uphill road.), useing telling details that provide information without saying, "Hey, look here, this is like this!" Subtlety is important.

I missed your post on beginnings five days ago. I have to check that thread more often. I have to remember to use that little feature in the upper right hand corner that allows us to view older posts. I’m taking a close look at Kathleen’s three assignments. They’re dated from last summer, before I joined Hatrack. Other newbies around here may want to take a look as well.

By the way, I view my story as a character story. Very helpful:

quote:

---

When a character change is the central element, you begin with the character realizing they need a change (Note: this is NOT necessarily when their problems begin) and end when they change or accept what is.

---

I don't want to bore you with what the story is about. Just suffice it to say that I'm trying to edge my way into family conflict. I over did it in previous drafts, provided too much and didn't get to the point fast enough.

In general, how much can we expect from the first thirteen lines? I wouldn't mind discussing that here.

What, in your estimation, comprises the perfect first 13?

Liz Wilston stepped on a sidewalk crack, but her mother’s back didn’t break. What a gruesome saying—Liz couldn’t believe she actually enjoyed that game once. She stepped on another crack, and then another.

Mom, walking up ahead, took large strides in her navy-blue trimmed tennis sneakers. The muscles in her calves rippled, and her denim shorts fluttered in the wind. Liz’s legs ached. Surely her mother’s did too, but Mom kept walking.

Liz glanced behind to check on Dad and her older brother Brian, but they showed no signs of slowing. If they didn’t, Liz couldn’t either, or they’d call her whiner again. ‘Sometimes you just have to suck it up,’ Dad had said.

As written, the first paragraph gives us the image of a girl who is trying to prove that she doesn't believe in silly old wives' tales. Then in the next paragraphs we get a sense that she's actually annoyed with her mom and her whole family. I think you might be able to juice up paragraph one a little bit by giving us a sense that her purposefully stepping on the cracks is, at some level, because she's mad at her mom. Then we've got conflict right away.