posted
Okay, the reworked version is about 8.5k words, SF. I'm eager to have people rip it apart. Any takers?
___________________________________________ Misha had chosen a point of entry into the forbidden territory where he knew he had a straight shot at the flower. The tracer reading happened to coincide with the crumbling stone wall, thus giving him a visual cue for the otherwise invisible border.
It was a simple plan, even for a twelve year old boy. Get in, snap the capsule shut around the flower -- thus severing it from the stem -- and get the hell out. Misha knew it wasn’t a particularly great plan, but he decided minimalism is a virtue and went with it. Besides, he had neither the time nor the resources for anything that might actually work.
posted
"Misha had chosen a point of entry into the forbidden territory where he knew he had a straight shot at the flower.The tracer reading happened to coincide with the crumbling stone wall, thus giving him a visual cue for the otherwise invisible border."
What's wrong with:
"Miska had a straight shot at the flower. The tracer stayed on the crumbling stone wall, giving him a visual cue for the border.
It was a simple plan, even for a twelve year old. Get in, snap the capsule shut around the flower and get the hell out. Misha knew it wasn’t a particularly great plan, but it had a minimalist virtue. Besides, he had neither the time nor the resources for anything that might actually work."
I don't quite like "even for a twelve year old," because if he were thinking this, he wouldn't disparage his own age. It's a nice beginning. As you can imagine, I like terse.
posted
When you're twelve and considering facing death, you think about the fact that you're twelve. You might not think "I am twelve", but you do think about the fact that you're a bit young for this.
As for what's wrong with "Miska had a straight shot...", it leaves out some crucial information. Like the fact that there is a forbidden territory rather than just a crumbling stone wall and a flower. Or the fact that Miska is pretty young.
Anyway, I recall looking forward the this version, so I'll cut any further comments and just offer to read it.
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