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hat said, I've critiqued two pieces posted in this section and would now like critiques for a 13 line piece I wrote,

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Quid pro quo, eh? Okay.

Good use of an omniscient narrator to set up the scene. Can't say I'm particulary chuffed over the last sentence in these 13 lines, though. It feels a bit forced, contrived, and few would find a scar decorative. Perhaps finding a more suitable word in exchange for decorative would solve it.

There's a corpse, so I'm interested in discovering why this person is dead.

The corpse is the victim of a hanging, so I'm interested in whether the person was hanged for a crime or the hanging itself is the crime.

The hanging victim has a distinguishing mark on its face, so I'm interested because I know I should soon meet someone looking for a person with such a mark or that person in a flashback.

However, I have no POV character to care about yet. If this is a longer piece, I might hold that part of me at bay long enough to find out whose story this is and why I should care about that person, that person's plight, or that person's relationship with this hanging victim.

The writing is good. The rest of my nitpicks are personal preferences. I'd rather the lamp's light reluctantly struggle to penetrate to the bridge's underside; the river to be menacing and malevolent instead of simply fast moving; the light insinuating itself impotently instead of boldly scattering shadows; what light is brave enough to reach the hanging victim's eyes to not be reflected so much as absorbed, consumed, destroyed.

Just my opinions.

The second paragraph gets interesting, and the writing flows a lot better. However, like HSO, I don't like the last line, although that's more because I find it improbable that the only light hits on his eye than because it's a little contrived.

So is it really that the body has been "long dead," which to me means weeks or months, but only got hung from the bridge recently? If so, that's interesting. If that's not really what you meant, you'll need to clarify.

I don't have any problem with telling us the date and place in the first sentence like that, but you probably want a line break or at least a period before just plowing into the first sentence.

Does this work as an opening? I'm not sure. I'd probably read a few more paragraphs before deciding if I wanted to read the rest.

But as a reader, I want two things first and foremost: (1) I want good visuals and I want them to "play," and (2) I want my emotions engaged. I want to know how to feel about what you're showing me.

I don't like omniscient viewpoint because it's usually light on both of those elements.

As a reader, I have to "be" somewhere in the physical setting. I have to be seeing it from a real place. The first sentence in the opening didn't tell me where I was, but led me to picture the bridge from a point somewhere above it. I can see the support cables and that the water is flowing. I put myself above the bridge.

Then the next sentence talks about the dark underbelly of the bridge, and I'm asking how I can see that. So I must be under the bridge. My place in the setting moves down really fast. For me, the visual effect doesn't "play" when I have to re-assess my place in the setting like that. The same thing happens to me when I realize I can see the scar. I zoom in really fast.

Also, I want to know how to feel about this hanged man. The more outrageous an image is, the more important it is for me to have an emotional response. I mean, is this a bad guy hung by a good guy or a good guy hung by a bad guy?

My emotions are being held in limbo. I don't like that as a reader.

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one street lamp threw light in all directions. The light darted upwards to the towering support cables and downwards to the fast flowing river beneath.

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The two sentences are choppy to my ear. Try putting a comma after "directions," change "The light darted" to "shafts darting" There is something melodramatic about the word towering with respect to support cables, but I can respect fast flowing river.

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As the light scattered shadows just below the dark underbelly of the bridge, it exposed a black figure, swinging from the end of a rope. A corpse, long dead, had been hanging for hours. It swung peacefully. The leisurely movement and tiny creaking sounds of the rope stood in stark contrast to the screaming countenance frozen on the victim’s face. The only light reaching the victim reflected from a set of cold, lifeless eyes, decorated underneath by a small scar.

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The irony in the second paragraph doesn't work me. This is a dead body. I don't know if you should be so hokey about it, or maybe just not in this way. I have a question, the corpse is long dead but hanging for hours, are you trying to say that the man was murdered before he was hanged? The "leisurely movement" strikes me as inappropriate. It's a corpse. There is no leisure in a corpse, just death, unless you are trying highlight the fact that there was no wind.

In general, you set the scene fine, and there are times and ways to be cute, I'm just not sure this is one of them. The overwriting seems to take away from the gravity of the story. This is all in context, though. Just the way it's written, it is hard to take the murder seriously, take the dead body seriously, and I don't know if that's the best start. I say you get in and get out of the scene. I don't know what you want to achieve, but cut the irony and explain it with straight. With thirteen lines, you can only expect so much. I'd keep reading, which is good, but my expectations wouldn't be very high, which is bad.

>screaming countenance frozen on the victim’s face.
I don't think it's possible for a corpse to have an expression. There are no active nerves able to tell the muscles to make an expression.

Also, don't change anything just because we said so. Consider the comments, make the changes that you think will work.

As for more scenes - you can either post like you did, and get comments on the 13 lines, or request readers for a larger chunk. It is a good idea to let people know some basic info, like the length and the genre, and the kind of comments you're interested in. ("Here's the first 13 lines of my first chapter. It's an alternate history piece and this chapter is about 2500 words long. I'd like a few volunteers to read the whole thing, and possibly subsequent chapters, but I also welcome comments on the first 13. This is an early draft so I'm more interested in your reactions to the characters and plot than wordsmithing. Thanks!")

I got some good feedback from this group in this section and would like some help with some larger chunks. I've finished my 100,000 word financial thriller and would love to get some help on larger sections. I have a brief synopsis at http://shadowislandproject.com/newtoproject.htm#SHADOW_ISLAND_PLOT