posted
This is the last 13 lines to the same story as my previous post. The only reason I'm putting it up is because I'm concerned that it may be too campy, you'll see when you read it. It should be pointed out that the golden memo had been lost years ago and contains the identity of Jeremy's soulmate (this isn't the main plot, just a sidebar). And that the piece is meant to have a comedic element. Thanks.
***
“I could always make a fortune on a new book...” Jeremy let the words hang in the air for a moment. “I think I'll call it the 'Neo-testament'.” He couldn't seem to stop grinning.
“Alright! I said I'd see what I can do.” Sarcomere relented. “Oh, I almost forgot. You'll be happy to know that I've found the golden memo for you. It turned out that I'd actually sent it to-”
“Don't tell me you idiot!” Jeremy sat up and glared at him.
“Wh-,” Sarcomere seemed startled by Jeremy's vehemence. “Why not?”
posted
Well, I tend to like strange endings that deliberately leave a plot strand open. I think the key is probably to make sure it is a minor enough strand that your readers won't mind being left dangling. If I had really cared where the golden memo was while reading the story, this ending would probably make me mad. But if the rest of the story was in the same humorous tone, the joke at the end would trump having the loose ends tied up, at least for me. It kind of reads like Terry Pratchett, where most of the story is there to set up plays on words and other humor. If that's what you're going for, I'd say it works.
Posts: 269 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I like the punchy rhythm of your dialogue. Humor with words is often made stronger with rythm, as you will notice if you pay attention to a variety of two person comic routines. The end is very definitely set for the "beat" that makes humor funny. So that works.
Obviously having not read your entire piece I can't tell if the flavor is "too campy" because if your entire story is in that over-the-top vein it can work just fine. The only issue would be if your story was mostly more serious, with only light punches of humor. In that case, the ending would need to carry more weight, but otherwise I think it could work fine.
I read your opening on your other post, but didn't have enough info there to tell for sure what the overall tone of your work was.
If you want a crit on the entire thing, feel free to send it over to me.
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