I am only asking for comments if people would like to share them. This is just more to put some of my words out there as proof that, yes, I do actually write. I've critiqued nothing yet so I know I have not earned the right to be critiqued unless people are so inclined.

This is a story I wrote for a group that caters to erotic mind control. The story is actually more sensual than sexual. I think my skills are a little better now, but I still like the story. It has a dreamy, Freudian quality that I feel rendered it into more than a "stroke" piece.

I do need to point out that the protagonist is named Michelle - not because I'm cheesy (although I am) but because a major plot point referred to the Beatles song, Michelle. I really am not in the habit of naming characters after myself.

(Look at the intro that is much longer than the fragment.)

Michelle stood outside the toy shop and looked into the window in near childlike delight. She knew that her sister didn’t share the sentiment and was in fact bored with everything in the little tourist town meant to recreate a Bavarian Village.

Still Michelle knew she wanted to go in. It was the third toy shop in the town but this one seemed different somehow. More real if that made sense. More magical. How often do you actually find a toy shop that seems magical in this world of big chains and clearance stores? The store just seemed to call to her somehow, inviting her in.

Leaving her sister behind, Michelle walked up to the door and read the plaque next to it:

Open your heart and see your heart's desire.
Accept your passion and feel passion's fire.
Look into your dreams and your dreams will tell you true
Seek out adventure and adventure will come to you.

Michelle walked into the shop and breathed in the smell of cinnamon and something more elusive. She could not quite figure out what it was but it left her feeling strangely sleepy and ... something else?
Michelle

You establish POV is well established, so you don't need to use her name so frequently in the text.

In the first line of the second paragraph, you don't need 'knew', in other words, it would run smoother if you went with 'Michelle wanted to go in'. I guess overall I would say there are too many words. I have this problem with my own writing, I use alot of 'seemed' and 'sort of' and I have to go back and clean them all out, because it makes the narrative hesitent.

quote:

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It was the third toy shop in the town but this one seemed different somehow

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quote:

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It ws the third toy shop in the town but it was different

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I would take out 'if that made sense' from the third line of the second paragraph and I am reluctant to ask a question as it disrupts the narrative flow, so I would
just go with

quote:

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More real. More magical in a world of big chains and clearance stores.

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In the final paragraph I would take out 'she could not quite figure out what it was' as 'something more elusive' already suggests that she can't figure out what the smell is.

I think that rather than inhancing the dream like quality, those hesitant words diminish it, where a more declarative style would enhance the unreality.

The only major point is that the text doesn't end up giving us enough information about the POV character. I was struck by the fact that it was difficult to nail down her age beyond "old enough to read". There are other things that are left open and not addressed, like where she's from and why she's here. It wasn't the particular questions so much as the fact that I didn't even get hints as to the answers that bothered me.

Minor nits...the second line, beginning with "she knew that" calls for the "but" immediately after, rather than a paragraph break. That would also make the parallel between the two uses of "knew" more meaningful (if you're going to keep that). Also, the second half of the second paragraph drifts a bit away from the POV and seems a bit more directly addressed to the audience, begining with the phrase "if that made sense [to you]." This may be a result of the vague impression I was getting of the POV character as much as anything.

"Leaving her sister behind," tends to imply that she moved a significant distance or out of LOS/earshot rather than a few meters in a straight line. Invoking her sister's recalcitrance by means of specifying her posture might be a good alternative. Also, by this point we might want to know the sister's name.

If the sign on the door isn't in German, then it would be nice for there to be some reason for that to be the case. If it is, then that information should be stated, as otherwise the implication is that the quoted text is what actually appeared on the sign rather than a translation.

A lot of the information is contained in the rest of the story. I think, and I know I can't be the first person to say this, that 13 lines is not enough.I do understand the reason though.

The reason the sister's name is not mentioned is that it was a shout-out to a friend and the name is revealed later for the reference.

I agree on most of the comments. I'm a little more confident these days than I was back then. All the "seems" and "somehows" are weak.

Survivor - interesting comment about there not being more information on the character up front. I am working on a story currently where there are 2 details about the character that I feel are pretty crucial to explain her mindset. I stated them almost immediately.

I have a friend that I trust as an editor for my stuff. His comment was that it was too much of an info dump and the details could have waited.

My dilemma is that I really want the reader to have these details in mind when she meets this character whom she meets very early on.

This is a story that has a real shot of publication because I have a friend that plans on editing an anthology on the topic. I don't want to give her a flawed story, and yet if I change the info until later it will change the whole dynamic.

quote:

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The action of the story should reveal the information that the reader needs. That's what makes it a story rather than a report.

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It's a private reference; you're not supposed to understand it. It was meant for the original writing group. What I'm saying is that I understand the point, but it's not actually having to do with my style or my integrity. It was intended for a certain group of people to get the "reveal." The sister appears at the very beginning, and is mentioned at the end. She's not a significant character.

Under any other circumstance the point would be a good one and I do appreciate the comment.

The fragment was just offered as proof that I can write and the only thing I could find that was suitable for this board.
Michelle