posted
It all started moments before Ridge McCabe was murdered. Ridge had nearly dozed off behind the wheel of his cruiser on the way to work after pulling an all-nighter. He worked for an accounting temp firm that provided services to companies across the greater Boston area. Sixteen hour days were normal during each monthly close period. The first few weeks of each month were called the close. The close was when the accountants closed the previous month’s books. After almost falling asleep at the wheel, Ridge knew he had to get some caffeine into his body as soon as possible. He pulled into the parking lot of the Coffee Slamz, a tiny convenience store just off of interstate ninety. The Coffee Slamz special was available seven days a week. If you bought one twelve ounce cup of coffee, you received a free doughnut. This special was too much to resist for just about any self respecting coffee drinker, let alone someone who had nearly fallen asleep at the wheel. A doughnut sugar rush would definitely help tide him over.
[This message has been edited by Kurt Hausheer (edited February 25, 2005).]
posted
I don't really know what you're looking for, but besides an intriguing first line (and only so because the murdered person happens to be the POV character), this piece is rather mundane so far.
If you give us more info, including what you're looking for here, we might be able to more specifically address your concerns.
The first line is good, but the story immmediately moves into an information dump. Now the problem with the '13-line rule' is that you are forced to interest us as readers within that first 13 lines or so, or we won't ask for the rest and provide a critique. So, how about reposting it minus that info dump?
posted
It does my heart good to know that I'm not the only person on here to post something and have everybody immediately think "infodump!"
I get the impression by the first line that Ridge is going to die soon, since it is only "moments" before he is murdered. That being said, I don't care what his job is. He could be a circus performer or an accountemps temporary or a manager for McDonalds and I couldn't care less. Why? Because he's about to die! The last thing anyone thinks about when a character is going to die is what the bloke's job is. We're more interested in why he's going ot die, who he's leaving behind and how they'll act, what kind of person wants him dead, etc.
So, really, you could cut the second paragraph, and probably the fourth (or most of it anyway, since it's probably important that he's at the Coffee Slamz), and give us a lot more to work with as far as getting us intrigued.
One question: is the whole story set in the moments before Ridge is killed, or is there any action after he dies? That makes a difference in how much we need to know, too. We'll need to know more about Ridge if he's going to be the main character all the way through, and some of that infodump stuff will be necessary later on.
posted
Actually, the problem I had was that you say "It all started moments before..", but you actually take me back hours, if not days before that by telling me where he works and how long he's been working. Even discounting that, you take me through several minutes of time starting with "Ridge nearly dozed off".
If you skipped all the setup and jumped straight to the moments--the in media res moments right before he's murdered--then I'd buy that that's when "it" started. If, as your first sentence implies, nothing else mattered in his life before that moment, then I don't want to know about it. On the other hand, if it does, then you might consider losing the opening sentence. Why do I need to know ahead of time that he's a dead man when he's going to be murdered so soon. I don't even know what the momentous "it" is, so I can't get excited about finding out how "it" came to be. Does that make sense?
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited February 27, 2005).]
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