posted
Hi... if anyone would like to comment on these 13 lines, please do. I'll send the rest to anyone who'd like to read it if you think you might want to give some criticism.
She paused as she removed her jacket. For a moment, she thought she heard voices coming from the living room. When she heard nothing, she put her jacket on a chair and made herself a couple of english muffin pizzas. After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster and setting an alarm, she checked her messages. "This is Bob from Vinyl Warehouse and I'd like to offer you a deal." She blocked out the rest. In the living room she opened the desk drawer and took out the heavy, dark chestnut box. The machine beeped several times from the kitchen after Bob had finished his pitch. As she held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. Reaching the couch, she sat down and placed the box carefully on the coffee table. She was tired from a long day of work and it always
quote:She paused as she removed her jacket. For a moment, she thought she heard voices coming from the living room. When she heard nothing, she put her jacket on a chair and made herself a couple of english muffin pizzas. After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster and setting an alarm, she checked her messages. "This is Bob from Vinyl Warehouse and I'd like to offer you a deal." She blocked out the rest. In the living room she opened the desk drawer and took out the heavy, dark chestnut box. The machine beeped several times from the kitchen after Bob had finished his pitch. As she held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. Reaching the couch, she sat down and placed the box carefully on the coffee table. She was tired from a long day of work and it always
I like the image of the whispering coming from inside the box. You suggested a lot in that one sentence. There's something inside that is sentient. It's small, and the fact that it is whispering is suggestive in and of itself. Is it whispering to her? Is it whispering to anotherbeing in the box? Is it the box itself that is whispering? See? You have me asking a lot of questions, and as a reader when I ask questions I want answers, and I want to read more.
To me, that's what it is all about; getting the reader to want to read on. Anything I have written that gets in the way of that has to be removed, altered or placed elsewhere in the piece.
That said, there are a several issues here that I think come between you as the writer and me as the reader:
So far you have never told me 'her' name, and thus you have had to use 'she' at least 8 times (I think ) that's a lot. I would like to know who 'she' is. Can't you tell me something? Her name at least?
Also, although you clearly have the scene fixed in your mind, you are telling me what is going on and not showing me. As a reader that gets old after a while. Let's look at some of it in more detail:
quote:She paused as she removed her jacket. For a moment, she thought she [edit: had]heard voices coming from the living room.
This isn't so bad. You've made it clear to me that she has just arrived back in her house or apartment.
quote:When she heard nothing, she put her jacket on a chair and made herself a couple of english muffin pizzas. After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster and setting an alarm, she checked her messages.
However, in this section, you are giving me stage directions rather than showing me what is going on. As a reader I would only be able to take several paragraphs of this before I moved on. Perhaps you could try to rewrite these sentences in more of a showing mode than a telling mode?
quote:As NAME held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself.
This is how I might start the story. You have immediately drawn me in. I have a name, several questions and a bit of insight into her character.
That's a lot in just several sentences, and it's hard sometimes to keep focused on showing more than telling, but I think if you will think about these issues a bit and go back and rewrite with this in mind, that you will have something that more of us will be willing to critique. That more of us want to read.
I hope this is of some use. Please keep working on this story. I would like to find out just what is in the box!
posted
Unless the name is supposed to be a mystery I'd reveal it. All the "she"s were really jarring.
It's not bad, but it's not alive either. I felt like you were listing facts and actions, rather than involving the reader. There was nothing that drew me into her world. At this point I can't see "she," but I could go for one of those pizzas.
I think that all it would have taken to engage me was her name and one pertinent detail so I could begin to draw the picture. Michelle
posted
Very nice title in my opinion, just thought I would mention that because I like a catching title. I also thought the 1st sentence was interesting and made me sit up to pay attention, but then agree that the actions of putting the pizza in the oven, etc. were distracting and unnecessary. Maybe you want to give the reader urgency but show that she is not urgent, but then the soft laughter shows us that effectively in my opinion. I would suggest cutting it, too, and that way you have even more lines to carry the intigue you create with this whispering box. What of the idea of having her hit the button to play the messages (don't actually have us hear any as you do here) as she walks over to the desk and retrieves the box? This gives a casual air without getting away from the story. An idea anyway.
[This message has been edited by catnep (edited February 27, 2005).]
posted
Chevy – I agree with Mike that the most interesting part of the fragment was the whispering inside the box. I also found it intriguing that she laughed. My immediate response was fear, as I am not used to whispering inside small boxes. Therefore, that makes me want to know more about the whispering and about her, that it was commonplace to her.
I think there was a little too much description. You could probably sum up most of that in a sentence or two and get on to the good part of the whispering box. I’m curious too so keep at it!
posted
Thank you for all the comments. Very good feedback. I've rewritten the intro here:
As Beth held the heavy, dark chestnut box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. A phone message continued from the kitchen as she sat down on the couch and placed the box carefully on the coffee table. "...at Bob's Vinyl Warehouse we offer the best deals..." She blocked out the rest. She was tired from a long day of work and it always felt nice to sit down on something comfortable. For a few moments she rested, until she could no longer ignore the curious little whispers. Smiling bemusedly to herself, she opened the box, and suddenly she could hear them all. "There you are, indeed!" she heard the fat woman's voice, "I was just telling them all that you'd be here soon."
I removed or revamped some of the stage direction type lines. I thought that this would make later things seem unclear, but I realize that it makes perfect sense later on.
I do still have a question, however. There were a couple of comments about not using the name. Should I use the name more here, after the first use? There's no one else to distinguish from and I thought it read strange to keep using her name. What do you all think?
The full story is around 2700 words and the toaster cooking and phone messages occur again later with more significance...
Again, thank you for the criticisms.
[This message has been edited by 77chevy (edited February 27, 2005).]
posted
I think the name thing worked ok here. But the idea is to avoid the repetition of she-she-she-she-she, and remind the reader what her name is every once in a while. And once you introduce the fat woman in the box, "she" is quite likely to become ambiguous unless you construct your sentences carefully.
I like this version more than the first version. good work. but I would whack the word "bemusedly."
[This message has been edited by Beth (edited February 27, 2005).]
posted
I'm afraid that, although the second version is better in many ways, it wouldn't interest me quite as much, mostly because it doesn't give the sense that Beth is very used to this. She hasn't hurried home to open the box, nor did she just find it. I'd probably start with the following (this is mostly just a cut-and-paste job--I'm not trying to rewrite anything for you, though I had to add/change a word or two for continuity):
quote:After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster, Beth went to the living room, opened the desk drawer, and took out the heavy, dark chestnut box. As she held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. She placed the box carefully on the coffee table.
It always felt nice to sit down on something comfortable, especially when she was tired from a long day of work. For a few moments. . . .
This cuts out the answering machine altogether (why push play if you're not going to listen?), and still gives us the sense that everything is normal and under control before we hear the voices.
One thing that really bothered me, that is still included in the above version, is "rolled her eyes and laughed to herself." To me, eye-rolling indicates "Yeah, right," or "Ay, caramba!" Nothing that made me roll my eyes would EVER make me laugh.
Ditto Beth on "bemusedly."
As far as the use of "she" goes: 1) you definitely want to give us a name right away, and 2) MOST of the rest of the time, when it's not ambiguous, you'll use "she." The problem with repetition comes not so much from repeating the word "she" as repeating sentences where "she" is the subject. You've taken care of this to a certain extent by varying your sentence structure. But "she" (or, now, "Beth") is still the subject of practically every sentence and dependent clause. The box itself, the whispering voices, and possibly even the couch could all be made subjects, with the action of the sentence being the way they affect "her" (a nice change from "she").
[Edit]Don't let the above paragraph trick you into switching any sentences into passive voice. That's not what I meant.[/Edit]
I'll read the whole thing. Make sure to include "Hatrack" in the subject line.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 28, 2005).]
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) that's a lot. I would like to know who 'she' is. Can't you tell me something? Her name at least?
