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China: T'ang Dynasty

Sun Wukung, the Monkey King, twirled his Golden Cudgel over his head. Leaping over the White Bone Demon, he spun and brought the Cudgel crashing into it. The skeleton scattered into individual bones. Before it could reassemble itself, the Monkey King brought the gold-tipped end of his Cudgel down on the skull, grinding it to dust.

"Well done, O Noble Monkey King!" General Chu Pa Chieh waddled forward and poked the skeleton's remains with his rake. "I would have joined you in this glorious battle, but did not want to deny you the pleasure of vanquishing the demon."

The Monkey King's simian face split into a grin. "Have no fear, Pa Chieh. The White Bone Demon has many cousins with whom you can join battle. In the ages to come, one will surely swear vengeance upon us."

Pa Chieh swallowed heavily. "I look forward to that honor."

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Chapter One

China: One thousand years later

Marie bounced on her toes as she waited for the elevator.

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I won't post any more since I'm already over the limit. I'd also be interested in a better title

Thanks for any and all of your thoughts.

[Edited in response to subsequent posts]

Maybe it's TOO quick. But since the point is just to portend future vengeance, I don't think you'd want a detailed account of the fight. Maybe it could start as Monkey King looks at the bones he just shattered, grinding them before they can reassemble -- keep the hook, but w/o telescoping the fight.

I am unclear on whether Monkey King is a title or a description. If a description, maybe "King of Monkeys" would work.

I don't like the general's stuff (2nd paragraph). When I hear, "I would have helped you but you were having too much fun," I note that I only hear this in fiction -- I'd think real warriors would help each other. Same problem with the Monkey King's reply: have no fear, there are lots of pissed-off demons who'll want vengeance ... that would not lead me to have no fear! Maybe another way of saying this is: if these 2 characters don't take the danger seriously, neither will I. (I had the same problem with the "Tomb Raider" movie. Lara Croft never seemed worried ... so neither was I.)

But I do like the prolog, and I think it sets the stage just the way you wanted.

Wbriggs, we were posting at the same time. You have pinpointed my fear about the Monkey King and Pa Chieh's interaction, but I'm not sure how to fix it, because of larger goals. [Fighting urge to offer explanations instead of just fixing it.]

Does this do anything for you to explain Pa Chieh?
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General Chu Pa Chieh poked his head above the rock he had hidden behind during the battle. "Well done, oh noble Monkey King!" He waddled forward and poked the skeleton's remains with his rake. "I would have joined you in this glorious battle, ..."

BTW in Australia have 'no fear' means the same as have 'no doubt'.

Edit: i just had a moment of fear and self doubt thinking that maybe a staff and a cudgel were the same thing, but they aren't.

2. A stout stick used as a weapon; a cudgel.

Whew.

Beth -I agree with your nit-pick and have implemented it.

I like it. By the time I read it, you'd already fixed those other nits.

I think hoptoad's comment on staff/cudgel is worth thinking about, though. Even though the words can mean the same thing, you start out talking about his "Golden Cudgel" caps and all. This makes it a very special item. So when you follow up by mentioning his staff, it certainly gives the impression that you are talking about a different implement. In this section, at least, I would use "Cudgel" (capitalized) only, all the way through.

While I had no problem understanding the Pa Chieh interaction, I think that the modification you made ought to clarify it.

I think I'm breaching ettiquette here by explaining instead of fixing, but the explanation excites me and you didn't actually ask me to fix anything... so I feel reasonably safe. These two characters are the most famous folk-heros in China. There's a thousand chapter epic about the adventures of the Monkey King and this prologue is my rewrite of one tiny, tiny section. The original way cooler. Check out "Journey to the West" if you want to read some kick-hiney martial arts.

First of all, it is correct so say "O Noble King" not "Oh Noble King" The latter simply looks wronge. When you see "O great leader" or "O God on high" or anything like that, it's the single letter.

Second, I was willing to go with the generals "I would hvae joined you but..." because I got the impression that this was more ceremonial that a battle. He had to act quickly but he was grinding down a pile of bones before they reanimated, not tackling a horde of Mongolians. I thought it might have been an inside joke. With the new paragraph, I changed opinions. I got the opinion that the bttle really had been fierce, that I simply did not understand or had missed the fierce parts, and that the general was a coward. I was ok with him being a coward because I expected more explanations of a lot of things. We are only 13 paragraphs in and so far, nothing seems unbelieavable in and of itself.

Thanks for all of your comments thus far. They've helped me feel okay with adding this thing, which I do think helps. It's just we always talk about "Prologues bad". I think the bad ones are the ones that are sort of a "The story to date" narration without character. The Chapter Zero ones (to quote Christine) are okay.

As for the title... Here's the dilemna. This is the first in a series, the two kids (and their family) are the only recurring characters. (Each book can stand alone.) So I'd like the title to be something that can modify from book to book ala--A Series of Unfortunate Events, or Harry Potter and... I guess I could give the kids a more dynamic last name and go with "The Blanks and the Monkey King" sort of like The Bobbsey Twins. sigh. The current last name is Garison.

I had played with calling this "Journey to the East" in homage to the original Monkey King story which is "Journey to the West." But book 2 is set in Tennessee with Cherokees and book 3 is in London with Faeries...

In each book the kids run into trouble and wind up meeting that culture's Trickster character who helps them out.

Prologue: While it isn't evil, it can be over-looked, especially by inexperienced (i.e. younger) readers. So how do you get them to read it? This particular prologue isn't very long; in printed form it could serve as a cover page for the first chapter with a title at the top like "The Monkey King". Turn the page and there is chapter 1.

Title: This is difficult, especially sine I've only read your query letter and now the prologue. What about something like:

Trickster Tales: The Legend of the Monkey King

Trickster Tales: Revenge of the Bone Demon

Book 1
Trickster Tales: Journey to the East
Book 2
Trickster Tales: Journey to the Old West
Book 3
Trickster Tales: Journey to the Old World

Do you get the 'Monkey Magic' TV show in the US?
It is has a cult following here.
(In fact we had a production of it here in the Botanical Gardens over the summer, Tripitaka... flying clouds, staff hidden in his ear, the lot. It was great and very popular)

I like Websters, I do, (note the irony _ for RFLong's benefit) but I don't agree. 'Cudgel' usually refers to a short stout stick, like a truncheon. It is neither here nor there because words change all the time, a democratic process.

*** rant deleted : suffice it to say that if you look up cudgel in Webster it will not say : a staff ***

Back to the point, I love Monkey, my kids love monkey, and you will have a market in Australia. By the way the Monk was played by a woman in the TV program, a strange and confusing thing for an eleven-year-old. Was that part of the story?

****Edited to reinclude rant for HSO: I have a similar nitpick when installing software, occasionally you get a program that asks if you speak "US English" or "International English" what is that all about?

I have even seen it as British English, and I have seen it as UK English... ****

There you go mate. No worries. Beaudy.

quote:

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I have a similar nitpick when installing software, occasionally you get a program that asks if you speak "US English" or "International English" what is that all about?

I have even seen it as British English, and I have seen it as UK English...

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Well, the UK and Australia have similar spellings, while the US has variant spellings that don't jive anywhere else. Since the UK and Australia are the same, apart from accents, then I suppose that qualifies as "International". Really, maybe it should be "originally-spelt" English, or OSE, and "newly-spelled" English, or NSE -- thereby avoiding any patriotic bent or hurt feelings for non-inclusion in software programs.

Edit: Phew! Crikey, that was close... world nearly ended 'n' stuff. Thanks for saving it.

(jokes, just jokes)

Seriously though, is the monk a man or a woman?

She'll be right. Eh?

http://www.chinavoc.com/kungfu/weapons/w_cudgel.asp

It is interesting because it comes from an old english word cuggel or cycgel which meant 'a ball or weight' which indicates a weighted stick.

Oh well, cudgel away I guess...

While you're at it check out: www.monkeyheaven.com/masako.html and see what I mean about the monk.

Yep. Chu Pa Chieh is Piggy. I couldn't find a graceful way to mention that his head is a pig's here and finally decided that within this context, it didn't matter. The people who've read this in conjunction with the first time the kid's meet Pa Chieh haven't even noticed that I didn't say that he had a pig's head in prologue land.

Oh. The monk is a man.

Robyn Hood, you've read my mind. The word "Prologue" will not appear anywhere on here.

Okay, your title ideas are starting me on a new direction. What if "Journey to the..." is the bit I keep. So I'd have book one "Journey to the East: The Legend of the Monkey King."

Book 2
"Journey to the South: The Trickster Rabbit"

Those titles sound really good, a little more catchy than "Two Ordinary Children..."

It does have a faery tale quality to it and your prologue reinforces that.

Oh, by the way...A heck of a lot.

::shoos and beats it, at least for a bit::

Consider what you really need in this scene and what you don't need. My sense is that you need introductions for Sun Wukung and Chu Pa Chieh, but want to leave the Bone Demon somewhat mysterious. To that end, it might be a good idea to try cutting the first paragraph entirely and expanding the rest of the narrative with a bit more description. Opening shot, Monkey is just finishing grinding up the skull of the Bone Demon, and he looks around for his porcine friend. Same stretch of dialogue, but with more attention to the flavor and character of these two legendary heroes. Monkey's brash impudence and unshakable confidence in his own invicibility, Piggy's...lack of the same, despite his physical prowess.