posted
Well so far I'm not done with the story but I am too curious about what you guys think of the opening to wait until I've finished writing the whole story before getting feedback. Also I'm thinking about going to OSC's bootcamp and I wonder what you think about possibly using this as my one-page submission for bootcamp? ***
The wagon wheels rumbled and crunched over the horrid mounds in the sand. Each time the passengers felt one of the shells cracking under them, they shuddered, half afraid the scupps would begin to Hatch early in outrage.
Edward and Ann sat silent and tense on the hard wagon bench, their simple Quaker-style black clothing contrasting sharply with the dun of the dunes and the purple of the scupp mounds all around them. Ann clutched her swollen belly protectively, though she was powerless to protect the babe within if the scupps Hatched before the wagon reached the shelter of the cliff caves.
“We left too late,” Edward said again. Ann said nothing. Everything that was to be said had been said already; they spoke only to hear the sound of human voices over the alien debris under them.
posted
There's a few things in the second paragraph that are just really bugging me, but right now I'm too tired to go over in a manner that would really make much sense… so… if no one else tackles it by tomorrow, I'll throw in my pokes… or… I'll probably just throw in my pokes anyways despite the redundancies because it amuses me… Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I like it a lot. It seems very creepy to me.
The one thing that stuck out to me was "Quaker-style." Somehow I doubt that "quaker-style" is a concept that's in the heads of the people you're describing, which makes it a POV lapse.
posted
The second paragraph ended the suspense for me. Maybe if you started with the second sentence of the paragraph the tension would remain palpable. I also agree contrasting the people against the scenery seems like a Movie Shot. I think I would move immediately into one character and connect ASAP especially since this is an dramatic tension scene.
posted
Since this is a one-pager that really counts, let me nit-pick a bit. My commenats are in ALL CAPS.
*******
The wagon wheels rumbled and crunched over the horrid WHAT ARE HORRID MOUNDS? mounds in the sand. Each time the passengers felt one of the shells cracking under them, they shuddered, half afraid the scupps would begin to Hatch early in outrage.I DIDN'T FOLLOW THIS SENTENCE.
Edward and Ann sat silent and tense on the hard wagon bench, their simple Quaker-style JUST AS A THOUGHT: DO THEY KNOW ABOUT QUAKERS? SOMEHOW i GOT THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS IS AN OTHER-WORLD, I N WHICH CASE THIS IS OUT OF POINT OF VIEW black clothing contrasting sharply with the dun of the dunes and the purple of the scupp mounds all around them. Ann clutched her swollen belly protectively, though she was powerless to protect the babe within if the scupps Hatched before the wagon reached the shelter of the cliff caves.
NOW THAT WAS INTERESTING. sUGGESTION: CUT THE FIRST PARAGRAPH AND START HERE. i DON'T EVEN THINK YOU HAVE TO ADD MORE DETAILS TO THIS PARAGRAPH TO MAKE IT WORK.
“We left too late,” Edward said again. Ann said nothing. Everything that was to be said had been said already; they spoke only to hear the sound of human voices over the alien debris under them.
******************
Well heck, I didn't have that much to nit pick. No fair. And I was all geared up for a good bashing. Oh well. Cut the first paragraph and, IMHO, this works fine as is.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited March 08, 2005).]
posted
I disagree with Christine. The first paragraph may need clarifying, but it does set the scene immediately. The people are in danger and they are gambling their lives tying to cross this place.
I would change mounds to something that better denotes the danger (scupp shells maybe?)
posted
I read over the other comments and just had to follow up...LOL, JBSkaggs, I don't know if you've noticed but we sometimes have the exact OPPOSITE reaction to somet hings. For me, the suspense did not BEGIN until the second paragraph.
Here's why, in case anyone cares: In the first paragraph, I had some meaningless description and a bit of confusion....no human factor at all even though I figured there were people on the wagon.
In the second paragraph, on the other hand, I meet two people, one of whom is pregnant, and understand that these creatures that are about to hatch may pose a threat to them. I have people to care about, a dangerous sitaution to fear for them, and at least some hint that the danger will be explained shortly.
posted
I liked both paragraphs! But now that christine points it out, maybe I"d tweak the first para a little to introduce Edward and Ann there, instead of in the 2nd.
I really liked the phrase "horrid mounds" for some reason.
posted
I know the Quaker comment bothered a few of you, but this is actually a colony of Quaker/Puritans on a different planet. In the story universe, these people left Earth in search of a simpler time, and live kind of like the Amish, just on a new world. Describing their clothes as "Quakerish" IS what they are thinking, but whether they were or not it would only be a POV violation if my POV was that tight. However, in this case, I'm going with LO POV.
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited March 08, 2005).]
posted
Hi Autumnmuse. My observations are stylistic I guess.
You seem to double-up in your descriptions, for instance:
rumbled and crunched silent and tense simple Quaker-style black
It sets a rhythm, I don't know if that's what you intend, but it distracts me as a reader.
I think too that you could remove some of the adverbs without a problem like:
quote: contrasting sharply with the dun...
could be just as effective as: contrasting with the dun... and
quote: clutching her swollen belly protectively,
could be: protecting her swollen belly
A couple of other points is: 'The alien debris under them' is actually under the wagon. In fact they are the alien in this environment.
I get no image of what may be pulling the wagon.
I don't know why 'the Hatch' is written with a capital H, unless it is some way the settlers delineate the seasons similar to capitalising the F in Fall.
I find the idea of 'hatching in outrage' understandable in context but hard to reconcile, if these hatchlings were pupae with some life experience (whatever life experience Scupps may gain) then you could reconcile it, but 'born' in outrage seems illogical. Born with defensive or aggressive instincts, yes, but how can something be outraged without a point of reference?
So maybe sharpen up the description, make it leaner. Get rid of non-critical adverbs.
Now for the good stuff: The idea of a purtian colony of a remote desert world sounds great. I don't know how they got there without an appeal to modern technology but the 'justification' would be interesting. I think the idea is cool and piques my curiosity.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited March 08, 2005).]
posted
Overall: I am definitely hooked! Riding past eggs that might hatch into monsters any minute -- creepy!
--- The wagon wheels rumbled and crunched over the horrid mounds in the sand. Each time the passengers felt one of the shells cracking under them, they shuddered, half afraid the scupps would begin to Hatch early in outrage. I LIKE THIS A LOT. I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HORRID MOUNDS; I UNDERSTAND THEY'RE MOUNDS WITH HORRID *THINGS* IN THEM. I DON'T LIKE THE CAPITALIZATION OF "HATCH." I DON'T SEE A REASON FOR IT.
Edward and Ann sat silent and tense on the hard wagon bench, their simple Quaker-style black clothing contrasting sharply with the dun of the dunes and the purple of the scupp mounds all around them. Ann clutched her swollen belly protectively, though she was powerless to protect the babe within if the scupps Hatched before the wagon reached the shelter of the cliff caves. IF THEY'RE ON ANOTHER WORLD, IS THERE A GOOD THEIR BEING AT ESSENTIALLY AN EARLY 1800'S LEVEL OF TECHNOLOGY? AT LEAST, I *THINK* THAT'S A HORSE AND BUGGY. IF NOT, TELL US IT'S MOTORIZED.
“We left too late,” Edward said again. Ann said nothing. Everything that was to be said had been said already; they spoke only to hear the sound of human voices over the alien debris under them. THIS PARAGRAPH I DON'T LIKE AT ALL. IT'S SOMBER, AND I'D RATHER BE TERRIFIED.
posted
Autumn – I loved it, especially the first paragraph. It was deliciously creepy. At first, I stumbled over “horrid mounds” but then the next sentence cleared it up so I was ok with that.
I also had a problem with the words “Quaker-style clothing,” for the same reason as others did – it was jarring. What if you just made a quick mention of their clothing in terms of black and white or however you think would best contrast with the desert and then work in the Quaker aspect later in the opening? Just an idea.
I do not feel that the tension was completely lost in the second paragraph but I think that having it come from Ann’s POV instead of an omniscient POV would make it even MORE tense.
I did not like the third paragraph because it seemed to drop like a stone compared to the previous two. With a comment like, “We’re too late,” I expected a stronger reaction from Ann.
Overall, I’m intrigued. And still creeped out. *shudder*
posted
Definitely a fascinating concept here. And I think I picked up on what you were doing almost right away (probably by the first sentence of the second paragraph, which is really pretty fast for sci-fi). What you've got here is very good. Though I greatly admire many of my peers on this forum, and greatly appreciate their comments, I would have to disagree with most of the suggested changes, in light of what you are trying to do here. The only changes I would suggest are eliminating some of those loose adverbs, giving some immediate clue as to the means of locomotion for the wagon (whether it is motorized, horse-drawn, or lizard pulled makes a big step towards establishing the setting), and dropping "style" from the clothing description. If they are Quakers, then just say "Quaker clothing." If they are not actually Quakers, then a quick description of the clothing is probably less jarring (this seems to have jolted a lot of readers); this last is possibly the least useful, though, since I don't know a lot about your colony. Again, I like your concept, and I think you've got a good thing going here. Oh, one other possible change. If Edward and Ann are the only passengers in the wagon, give their names in the first paragraph, rather than waiting until the second. If not, you should clue us in quickly as to who else is along. This is a lot of verbage to basically say that I think you've got a good thing going here.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Ok... the "Quaker-style clothing" thing, which was one of the problems. I understand that the characters would identify with the "Quaker" concept, but you haven't really given the reader any reason to. This is the beginning of you story, right? At this point, the Quaker reference seemed to just jump-out out of nowhere. They're Quakers... do we really have any reason to think this? What I would do is maybe just leave the color reference of the clothing in and take out the Quakers reference... but I understand you want to kinda direct the readers mind to the fact that they are Quakers... I can't think of any proper wording for it right now, but basically, you need to do it with a wee bit better subtleness... and not just bluntly, flat out say, "oh'by'the'way, they're Quakers" type of thing... ya'know.
The capitalizing the H in "Hatch" kinda confused me at first too, but I was just gonna chalk it off as a typo, but then hoptoad said you might be going for it to be a statement of season, like how Quakers and farmer types usually capitalize "Harvest"... so... um... cool...
For "clutching her swollen belly protectively," I think it'd flow better with "protectively clutching her swollen belly" But that didn't bug me too much, you could pretty much go either way... it's just an opinion of what I happen to trip over...
Maybe it's just me... but I'm seeing the word "scrupps" too much... it bugs me... I don't know... it just seems to kill the flow when someone makes a word so repetitive...
And as everyone else is saying about the wagon. If you're trying to make this seen as dramatic as you are, you really need to describe more, you're relying too much on the reader just assuming everything... I'm sure it's very dramatic in your head, but could you maybe share with us what it is you're seeing?
posted
All problems being noted, this is still pretty good. I have two general problems. One is that you don't establish POV. We could be in a clumsy Omniscient or a sparse and poorly developed POV for Edward, Ann, or a third person that knows both their names.
Okay, just kidding, that's the only general problem. Everything else comes under POV, including the reference to "Quaker-style black clothing" (I agree with everyone that nitted you on it).
Still, despite the fact that you don't have a POV, the passage moves pretty well, with one or two already noted exceptions. The exposition is well handled, even though the lack of POV hampers you a bit.
I can't speak to whether you should use this particular opening as a submission for bootcamp, though I will say that you should try and retain your own wording through any revisions you make to this, if you plan to use it thus.
posted
"I will say that you should try and retain your own wording through any revisions you make to this, if you plan to use it thus."
I couldn't agree more.
I prefer to say it this way.
This is the way I prefer to say it.
The way I prefer to say it is this.
I encourage critiquers, whenever they feel the urge to make a suggestion on phrasing or language, to consider whether it is a personal preference or something that really bothers you. If it bothers you, try to say why rather than simply suggesting a rephraing. Is the language confusing? Is there pronoun confusion? Does it not flow properly and if so, why not? (There are a lot of possible reasons for this.)
posted
I very much appreciate all your suggestions. I have tried to incorporate many of them into the revision, while staying true to the image in my mind.
I am posting the new version in a new thread, called "Respite - Revised"
Please tell me what you think and thanks again!
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited March 09, 2005).]
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