posted
Comments welcome, on the snippet or the whole thing (920 words, SF horror). -- They might have known they couldn't cage her with any computer system. Mona couldn't reach the engines without a pressure suit -- and she didn't think there was one on board -- but encryption locks merely took time. Six months alone on an automated ship is nothing but time.
With three weeks left to Earth, she broke into the specimen area. The "Kryptonite" door was beyond repair, and the lab was under her control.
Mona saw cages, with "hairball" creatures from Meldilorn's South Seas. Locked storage cabinets. Something else, moving . . .
Something nearly cow-sized, with armored, iguana-like eyes, and six legs. She screamed. It turned its eye-holes to her and pricked its cuplike ears forward ... --
posted
This sounds interesting, but there are a few little things that tripped me up a bit.
quote:They might have known they couldn't cage her with any computer system. Mona couldn't reach the engines without a pressure suit -- and she didn't think there was one on board -- but encryption locks merely took time. Six months alone on an automated ship is nothing but time.
For the most part this is good, but the first sentence got me started in the wrong direction.
Consider the difference between, "They might have known they couldn't cage her..." and "They should have known they couldn't cage her..."
It is subtle but I think the difference is in the expected POV. With "They might have known..." I'm expecting the POV of someone who belongs to the group that did the incarcerating. With "They should have known..." I'm expecting the POV of the person who was incarcerated.
quote:With three weeks left to Earth, she broke into the specimen area. The "Kryptonite" door was beyond repair, and the lab was under her control.
I'm sure you explain this later, but I found this a little confusing. I the first paragraph she seems to be concerned with gaining control of the ship or something (mention of a possible need/desire to reach the engines) but then she's breaking into a lab? What do engines and vehicle control have to do with a lab?
I'm probably reading something a little wrong, but it feels like I'm missing some info somewhere between the first paragraph and the rest of the opening.
posted
It reads to me like the story starts when she reaches the lab - I'd start there.
The stuff about how she gets there is pretty perfunctory - if you really do want to start the story there, I'd flesh it out more, make it more vivid and continuous.
posted
I completely agree. Almost every line in the first paragraph seemed to be going off on it's own, then the second paragraph seemed to be the start of a completely different story... it as making me dizzy.
"She couldn't reach the engines without a pressure suit..." "...but encryption locks merely took time"? Um... I'm not sure if that even makes sense... that doesn't even sound like it should be in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence. What do encryption locks have to do with the engines and/or a pressure suit?
"Six months alone on an automated ship is nothing but time."
I'm sure you meant for that sentence to mean more... but with its placement and all... it's almost easier to take it completely literally... I could see it starting a paragraph, or maybe being in a paragraph by itself... but putting it in the end of a paragraph where everything else is already spewing out seemingly random lines... it doesn't really come together... it just adds to the confusion.
"The "Kryptonite" door was beyond repair, and the lab was under her control."
Was the "Kryptonite" reference intended as a metaphor (if it is, that might confuse people), or will there be some better reference explaining the "Kryptonite-like" features of the door later (I think I would have used the explanation before the nick-name so it would make more sense, though)?
Now... as Robyn said... um... why are we suddenly in the lab, what happened to the engines?
Now... for a headache's worth of pulling everything together with logic (mostly for my own amusement and curiosity)... this is how I think it's supposed to be basically coming together (correct me if I'm wrong please, since I'm mostly guessing anyways): Mona is actually one of the caged animals/monsters/aliens in the lab, who is probably some sort of primate, or close relative with enough intelligence to be able to hack a computerized lock on her cage (anyone who's had animals such as ferrets before can probably imagine this concept... no matter how ingenious you may make the lock, they'll always figure out how to get out of their cage) on this automated ship, which is probably delivering "alien animals" for a zoo and/or research to Earth.
Am I right, or was that guess completely random in every way? If I'm wrong, then I think you have a clearer idea of how your focus is making me seasick.
I'd be willing to read the rest, but I have no idea when I'd be able to get to it... if you have time to wait, then send it on over (I'll try not to take much more than a week).
posted
I liked it. It was engaging and interesting and I would keep reading, but I felt rushed. It seemed like so many things were happening that I was getting lost.
I was focused on who would cage her with a computer system. And how? And why? And why did she need to get to the engines? Why did she need a pressure suit and why was there not a pressure suit on a spaceship? Why had she been there six months? Why was the ship automated? Why was she on this ship in the first place?
Then we jump to "with three weeks left to Earth..." and I'm wondering if this is a flashback that will answer some of these questions. It does not seem like a flashback, though, and just provokes even more questions. What happens when she reaches Earth? Is she going to crash? Why did she break into the specimen lab? What is in there? What is a Kryptonite door and why did she want the lab under her control? Was there a danger of it being in someone else's control?
Then we are in the lab and she sees the "hairball" creatures, which is kind of a funny description. I think I like it. I'm picturing a grotesque hairball that a cat hacks up only on a monsterous scale. I don't know if that is what you meant. If it is, great description!
I'm wondering what these creatures are; why they are here, and why this one is not locked up like the others. Did it escape? Did someone let it out?
So, it just overwhelmed me a little, all the questions it provoked with no immediate answers. But that might not be a bad thing! Readers with questions will keep reading to find out the answers. It just made me feel like I was being rushed through the story a little.
I'd be willing to read the rest now that I've gotten all into it.
posted
There's nothing wrong with the writing itself, it just feels disconnected. I agree with Beth, the story seems to start at the lab. Only then do we get any kind of mental picture of what's taking place.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2005
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I could see it starting a paragraph, or maybe being in a paragraph by itself... but putting it in the end of a paragraph where everything else is already spewing out seemingly random lines... it doesn't really come together... it just adds to the confusion.
