posted
This is an everyday, ordinary kind of story-- so does it make it mainstream or what? I do not understand where things fall when they are not under a genre. Any one here interested in reading this sort anyway?
The whole thing is 1500wrds. I apologize in advance but I did a few experiments in present tense (please don't smack me), and this is one of them. Here for your critiquing delight are my first 13 according to Word: -------------------------------------------- The shadows start whispering, repeating the words of the Bingo ladies shopping at the corner market, and the men pumping gas at Colson’s. Lisa stares at a corner of her bedroom and listens. Jim left you, they hiss. She creases her brow and whimpers. Shadows shouldn’t talk.
The bedsprings creak as she stands. Catching herself on the nightstand, she watches the shadows dance and tilt with the room. She’ll prove them wrong. Burgundy liquid sloshes within a green-stemmed bottle on the stand as she pushes away from it to stagger across the room. She means to go for the desk drawer, but instead her slender fingers brush aside yellowed news clippings, marking trails of dust on the desk’s cherry wood top. Lisa grabs at one and raises it up like a trophy.
“See,” she rasps, “it says James Brail is dead. Dead, you hear? So leave me alone.” Her last words break in a whispered plea. Tangled brown hair falls curtaining her face. She knows she has lost.
[This message has been edited by catnep (edited March 10, 2005).]
posted
I really picked this apart, but I want you to get that so far, I am really hooked. If it's finished, I'll read it.
--
The shadows start whispering, repeating the words of the Bingo ladies shopping at the corner market [I DON'T FOLLOW. BINGO LADIES ARE LADIES PLAYING BINGO, RIGHT? NOT SHOPPING. OR DOES IT MEAN SOMETHING ELSE?], and the men pumping gas at Colson’s. Lisa stares at a corner of her bedroom and listens. Jim left you, they hiss. [I GET THAT SHADOWS WOULD SAY THIS. BUT WOULD THE SHOPPERS AND GAS PUMPERS REALLY SAY THIS?] She creases her brow and whimpers. Shadows shouldn’t talk. [I LIKE IT. I'M HOOKED. YOU MIGHT TRY: Lisa stares at the corner of her bedroom and listens to the shadows. They whisper, repeating . . . BECAUSE THIS WAY WE DON'T HAVE LISA'S STARING AS AN INTERRUPTION OF HEARING ABOUT THE SHADOWS.]
The bedsprings creak as she stands. Catching herself on the nightstand, [WHY? WAS SHE STUMBLING?] she watches the shadows dance and tilt with the room. [*WITH* THE ROOM? IS THE ROOM DANCING AND TILTING? MAYBE YOU MEAN *IN* THE ROOM?] She’ll prove them wrong. [SHE CAN MAKE JIM NOT HAVE LEFT HER?] Burgundy liquid sloshes within a green-stemmed bottle on the stand as she pushes away from it to stagger across the room. [SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T DO THIS TO STAGGER, DID SHE? BUT TO WALK. STAGGERING WAS UNPLANNED, I SUSPECT.] She means to go for the desk drawer, but instead her slender fingers brush aside yellowed news clippings, marking trails of dust on the desk’s cherry wood top. Lisa grabs at one and raises it up like a trophy. [WHY COULDN'T SHE GO FOR THE DESK DRAWER?]
“See,” she rasps, “it says James Brail is dead. Dead, you hear? So leave me alone.” [OK, I GET THE PROOF NOW. MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE SAID, SHE KNOWS THE SHADOWS ARE WRONG. PROOF IMPLIES EFFORT, TO ME, AND THIS WAS EASY.] Her last words break in a whispered plea. Tangled brown hair falls curtain[ing] her face. She knows she has lost.
I will have a few questions to ask when you are done, but I would rather get your first take without any influence from me. Thanks for what you have posted so far here, too!
posted
It took me a couple of reads to figure out she is supposed to be drunk. Right?
Is the "burgundy liquid in a green bottle" wine? If so, then maybe just call it a "half empty wine bottle". Then it would be more obvious that you want us to understand she is drunk? When you described it as "burgundy liquid" is makes me think that it is supposed to be some unknown substance.
Otherwise, once I figured out she was drunk, it read pretty easily. Even though I don't like reading present tense, it was interesting. The opening paragraph definitely caught my attention.
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited March 11, 2005).]
posted
NewsBys: Yep, she is, and you are right about my needing to make it clearer. It is funny how obvious something seems in the writer's mind since after all, the writer knows everything (sometimes).
Shi Magadan: I am sending it over. keep in mind...this isn't a fantasy, etc. but I am beginning to think it might be more interesting if I twisted it into one.
[This message has been edited by catnep (edited March 11, 2005).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
