posted
I might be going in the wrong direction here. But before I go any further...
Just to set the scene, Pendaran is in a saucer craft... --------------------------------------------- For a time Pendaran found it hard to think... hot and cold pinpricks consumed his body... his substance was changing... his personality shifted... his thoughts...
When light returns, it is white and pervasive. The floor melds into a staircase, leading down to the translucent ground. The Children of Pedryvan lift the Man Without Dreams and Pendaran follows. Scott’s trail of blood concerns him. This is a triumphant return and it is not.
Silver disks, propped upon three legs, circle the crystalline chamber. They number over ten score. The ceiling stands at a hundred man-heights. Diffuse light pours from every direction, for illumination is the natural state here. It takes effort to create darkness.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited March 16, 2005).]
posted
I like the last paragraph a lot. Very cool.
I'm a bit thrown by the following:
quote:Scott’s trail of blood concerns him. This is a triumphant return and it is not.
Who is Scott? I wonder, and whose triumphant return? Pendaran's, Scott's, or the Man Without Dreams (and is that man actually Scott?)
And, one final question about this possibly unreferenced pronoun:
quote:[...] his body... its substance was changing.
I say "possibly" because I think you're saying Pendaran's body substance is changing, but I'm not sure. Better not leave this to interpretation. What is "its" referring to?
This is taken from near the end of the chapter, and a chapter 5 at that. Hopefully the reader will now by then that Scott Landon=The Man Without Dreams. If not I'll have another major rewrite to do.
posted
Fair enough -- I would have commented differently if I had known it wasn't the start of the story.
In any case, I feel using "his substance" rather than "its substance" would avoid confusion -- for those of us easily confused, a group I'm reluctant to admit I am part of.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited March 16, 2005).]
posted
I like the alien-ness of it all, which is a big part of why I read sf. Lots of it confused me, though.
For a time Pendaran found it hard to think... hot and cold pinpricks consumed his body... his substance was changing... his personality shifted... his thoughts... LOTS OF ...'s HERE, MAYBE SOME COULD CHANGE. SINCE IT'S SF, I DON'T KNOW IF THE CONSUMPTION OF THE BODY AND CHANGING OF SUBSTANCE IS METAPHOR OR NOT. I WOULD LIKE A VERB TO GO WITH "HIS THOUGHTS."
When light returns, it is white and pervasive. The floor melds into a staircase, leading down to the translucent ground. The Children of Pedryvan lift the Man Without Dreams and Pendaran follows. Scott’s trail of blood concerns him. This is a triumphant return and it is not. [I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING. VISION? LIFE-AFTER-DEATH EXPERIENCE? WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR A FLOOR TO MELD INTO A STAIRCASE? THE GROUND IS TRANSLUCENT; DOES PENDARAN FIND THIS AS REMARKABLE AS I DO? HOW DOES PENDARAN KNOW WHAT THE GROUND LOOKS LIKE -- DID HE GO DOWN THE STAIRCASE? WHAT'S PENDRYVAN? WHO'S THE MAN WITHOUT DREAMS? WHO'S SCOTT? WHY IS PENDARAN CONCERNED? WHY IS THIS TRIUMPHANT AND NOT? WHO RETURNED?
MIGHT BE GOOD TO RENAME PENDARAN OR PENDRYVAN TO AVOID CONFUSION.
IS PENDARAN STANDING UP? SINCE HE FELT SO DISORIENTED EARLIER, I IMAGINED HE WAS LYING DOWN.] ] Silver disks, propped upon three legs, circle the crystalline chamber. [DID WE GO DOWN THE STAIRCASE OR WAS THAT JUST DESCRIPTION?] They number over ten score. [HOW DOES PENDARAN KNOW?] The ceiling stands at a hundred man-heights. Diffuse light pours from every direction, for illumination is the natural state here. [WHO'S THINKING THIS? PENDARAN, STILL? HOW DOES HE KNOW?] It takes effort to create darkness.
-- I think if these confusions are resolved, I'll see a beautiful and eerie ship to explore.
Edit: oh, I see now from later comments that much of the questions are answered earlier. Still, some may be worth asking.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 16, 2005).]
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