posted
Right now, I'm toying with 3 openings. The reason is I feel a need to let people know something in advance. Here are the 3 openings; I welcome your opinions.
Opening 1:
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer. "They are definitely changing course," Jared said.
--
Opening 2:
It took ship-eating monsters, and saving a ship full of passengers, to make Jared a felon.
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
--
Opening 3:
Jared first met his advocate in a cold briefing room. He was eager to meet her, since there was nothing else to do in prison, but also ashamed, since security measures forbade prisoners to wear clothing. An injection they'd given him paralyzed his arms; he couldn't even put them on the table.
She gave him her introduction. He recognized the script, from video dramas. He'd never paid much attention, so he didn't know if the advocates' manual would require her to really help him.
"I now invite you to describe the events from your perspective," she concluded. "You are under no obligation to do so, but it may be in your interest. These proceedings are being recorded."
"I saved a Senator's family from explosive decompression," he told her.
#
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
[Edits for minor corrections people suggested.]
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 21, 2005).]
posted
Based on what I see, I'd go with opening 1. Though I'd recommend choosing "Jared said." or "the pilot said." The parenthetical left intact is a bit awkward.
2 is -- sorry for saying this -- a bit corny. Ship-eating monsters? Can there be another way of saying this?
3 utterly neglects to name any character within a complete scene. That's why I'm adverse to that one.
posted
I have to agree with HSO, the first opening is the best of the three and you need to fix the "Jarad, the pilot, said." I think the information in the 3rd opening may be closer to your plotline, but it didn't work as written. Too many questions unanswered before you dive into the inner story.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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On the radar display, the objects were moving closer. "They are definitely changing course," Jared, the pilot, said.
--
This one, more than the other two, feels like it starts at the beginning. On the other hand, it feels very distant. I know it's only one paragraph but even so...I think the first sentence threw me right away. The phrasing itself distances me from the story. We start with "On the radar display..." which gives a sense of setting but throws the suspense of the sentence by putting the more important aspect....the closely moving object, into the last part of the sentence. Then introducing the first character we meet in such a formal way kind of threw me too.
After reading all three options though, I would recommend going with a tweaked version of this.
--
Opening 2:
It took ship-eating monsters, and saving a ship full of passengers, to make Jared a felon.
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
--
The first sentence here is cheesy, I think. Yeah, I think that describes my feelings about it best.
-- Opening 3:
He first met his advocate in a cold briefing room. He was eager to meet her, since there was nothing else to do in prison, but also ashamed, since security measures forbade prisoners to wear clothing. An injection they'd given him paralyzed his arms; he couldn't even put them on the table.
She gave him her introduction. He recognized the script, from video dramas. He'd never paid much attention, so he didn't know if the advocates' manual would require her to really help him.
"I now invite you to describe the events from your perspective," she concluded. "You are under no obligation to do so, but it may be in your interest. These proceedings are being recorded."
"I saved a Senator's family from explosive decompression," he told her.
#
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
--
The only thing I can say about this is that the frame doesn't compel me much. It feels slightly forced. It also just feels like you're starting at the wrong time in order to provide a sense of suspense about what will ultimately happen to the main character.
posted
That's better. Altho' I'd like to see the advocate's name, too, if Jared knows her name. I suspect he would, since he was looking forward to seeing her.
posted
To be honest, none of the openings worked for me, but the first one seems to start where (at least if feels like) the story really begins, so I'd go with that one.
Also, your title, "Nachalnik," I'm curious as to why you chose this word. Is it something you made up? "Nachala" is the Russian word for "beginning," or rather, the romanization thereof. "Nachalnik" with a soft "l" is the Russian word for "beginner." Not sure if this was your intention.
[This message has been edited by Shi Magadan (edited March 21, 2005).]
posted
I like #1 as an opening, but there is something about #3 that also grabs me a bit. I think it is probably because you are putting me right in Jared's head. I like looking through his eyes and the POV feeling I get from #3, but I agree with Christine that it probably isn't the true beginning of the story. Often, if you go directly into a flashback, it can be an indication you're starting in the wrong spot (just something to consider).
Could you hold onto opening #3 and use it in chronological order, later in the story? I really like it, just not as the opening here.
posted
Why are the prisoners naked? What is gained by the prisoners' arms being paralyzed? What does an advocate do for a prisoner? Is this advocate state sponsored or does Jared have family with money? What's in the advocate's manual?
The point is that you set up a scene and then jump into the story without the reader fully understanding what was going on in the prison. I like you starting the story in the prison. I think it may be a stronger opening if done right, but in the 3rd opening you jump into Jarad's story too soon. A flashback this soon in the story is just disconcerting.
posted
#3 seems a bit too dry for me. I'm rather bored with the whole conversation, which doesn't stir in my mind that anything exciting has happened. It's a wild idea, but you could stir it up by having him reply to the advocate, when she asked what he had done, with your #2 opener... "Save them from ship-eating monsters." That would get a rise out of her!
#2 by itself could be a great opener, if your story is ala Douglas Adams "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". If it's a serious story, then yeah, a little campy. But it could work if the hero has a quirky sense of humor (ala Han Solo).
#1 - short. efficient. Not really engaging to me... but I'm hoping it would lead to the ship-eating monsters faster...
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