posted
Here is the intro for a scifi short story I'm working on. In this intro I'm trying to convey the sense of craziness in the room. Tell me if it works, and if it grabs you.
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The tiny robotic beetles swarmed around Lewis’s feet, and the lone lightbulb in the storeroom cast sinister shadows that made the numbers seem even greater. Lewis had the sudden fear that the beetles were coming for him, and he started to frantically stamp the floor with his boot, savagely crushing the beetles that happened to be nearby. As he smashed the beetles he felt their tiny metal bodies snap under his foot, a flash of heat, and heard a faint electronic scream. Those that were not crushed scurried over the floor with an eerie clicking as their tiny mechanized feet prickled over the metal floor of the cramped storeroom. The sound drove Lewis into a frenzy, and he started to sweat and heave with the effort of stomping. In the midst of his fanatical dance, Lewis realized that merely stepping on the beetles was not going to work, there were just too many of them. Already some were on the ceiling of the storeroom, crawling into corners, cracks, and underneath shelves and boxes and tables. He had the feeling of being in a beehive, trapped. A sudden wave of nausea overcame him.
posted
I think I would be grabbed if I had reason to care about Lewis and his reason for being in the storeroom. If tiny robotic beetles are swarming around me, I wouldn't hang out unless I absolutely needed something from the storeroom. So, what does he need from the room and why?
Also, because there is a lone lightbulb (which is always the case in fiction -- someone care to tell me why this is?) how big can this room possibly be? I've envisioned a closet, actually... but I know you want it to be bigger than that.
Anyway, I think you have an idea that hasn't been setup properly. We need to start a little earlier, get to know Lewis's motivation for going into a storeroom with many robotic beetles that are freaking him out.
posted
This segement makes me feel dizzy. It just seems to accelerate more and more. I think it is because of the amount of adjectives and adverbs. But the piece as a whole is on the verge of working, for what you want it to do, namely show his situation.
You have 6 adjectives in the first sentence for instance.
posted
I'd agree, I want to know why he's in there and why he's afraid of them (too insectlike? they've been known to eat people?) but I *am* getting the sense of panic. Nit-picks:
> and heard a faint electronic scream. That doesn't seem likely. My car "screams" when its fan belt is loose, but why would the "beetles"?
>was not going to work, there were just too >many of them. Comma splice -- recommend a ":"
>A sudden wave of nausea overcame him. I think you need more setup before I can believe this. (I know fear and claustrophobia can cause nausea, but I think it's hard to get the reader there so quickly. If you saw The Passion of the Christ . . . great scene, Gethsemane, but the characters were ALREADY excited as the curtain rose, and it took a while for me to get there with them.)
posted
The biggest problem is that Lewis seems able to unerringly identify these as robotic beetles that have metallic bodies and make electronic noises. Given his apparent state of agitation and fear, it seems unlikely he would be able to gather this unlikely information unless he already knew quite a bit about these beetles (and why they might be "coming for him"). As HSO said, you might need to start earlier, or maybe you could present the POV information in such a way that he starts with a fairly coherent (and informative) grasp of the situation before he starts freaking out.
Some things we should understand before Lewis freaks out: Why are these beetles more disturbing than regular beetles? Does he already know what they are? If so, then what are they? Why is he in the storeroom? Can he get out if necessary?
You can probably think of more such elements than I can, since you have the story in mind. But remember, to identify with a character, we must feel that we know what the character knows. We don't have to actually know everything the character knows, but we should never feel like the character is acting for reasons which he understands even though they are unknown to us.
posted
Yep, I get the idea that its a very small room due to the 1 lightbulb thing. Maybe that's right though eh?
Also, I didn't have any problem at all with the fact that Lewis already they were robotic beatles because I know the story is sci-fi & its probably normal for these things to be around in his universe.
However, thinking about it now, if these things aren't every day creatures then maybe you could start with a single one of them creeping through a small hole. Give Lewis the chance to inspect it & then see that more and more keep piling through, and in no time the room is full of them.
That might build up the dramatics a bit too. If you start off with a small curiosity which turns into a big frenzy.
I thought it was good though & thought there were a lot less problems than the other guys have come up with.
posted
Right, there is one more thing I want to point out. I missed it first time around, sorry.
quote:and he started to frantically stamp the floor with his boot, savagely crushing the beetles that happened to be nearby
The bold part in the above quoted section. Consider phrasing this differently. Let me explain:
"started to" and "began to", and whatever else that is similar, usually implies a contradiction is going to follow. For instance, "he started to leave, but changed his mind when he saw..."
In this case, Lewis is stomping. He may begin to stomp at some point, but if you tell he is stomping then we'll automatically know that he had to begin that action -- usually the moment you tell us.
So, to tigthen up your prose a bit, look for these phrases and ruthlessly cut them. The second "started to" above, where Lewis begins to sweat, is forgivable. Though, I would probably recommend making it more active by showing us that he wiped sweat that formed on his brow, or that his shirt clung to his sweaty back... whatever you want... you could do it a bunch of ways. But avoid the "started to" thing unless you're going to contradict it. "He started to speak, but couldn't find the words to say how he felt." See? Yet even here, it could be rewritten as: "He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words to say how he felt."
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