"Leah lay quietly on her straw mattress, fingering a silver medallion hanging around her neck. The raven-haired beauty was deep in thought about her crystal-blue eyed love living far away in his elven land. His promises to her have kept her warm at night, and her hope to see him again, has kept her breathing. Her delicate fingers danced over the luminous amethyst, when she heard a woman's blood curdling scream followed by a ground shaking growl. She rushed to the window, and through the twisting branches of her family's oak tree, she saw a large towering beast, he raised a great axe and sliced the head off of her neighbor. It threw aside the neighbor's body with a tremendous force and then reached down and grabbed the screaming woman that was hiding behind the neighbor. The woman shrieked and pleaded for her life as the beast began to drag her away. Leah grabbed the window sill and dug her finger nails into the wood. She strained to see who the woman was, when she finally realized, it was her mother."

Ease off a bit on the adjectives. Some are good, but too many detract from what's happening.

Neverthless, let's look at the first few sentences and dissect them thoroughly.

quote:

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Leah lay quietly on her straw mattress, fingering a silver medallion hanging around her neck. The raven-haired beauty was deep in thought about her crystal-blue eyed love living far away in his elven land

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First thing: Never use the word "fingering" in fiction. Trust me, it's not the word you want to use. I am reluctant to expand further on that, but just take my word for it. There are hundreds of words that will work better and not... (nope, not going there... stop that, HSO)

Next, the medallion may indeed be hanging around her neck, but do you think of medallions that way? Probably not. Chances are, you see it as: "wore a medallion." So, why not use that instead? Hanging and neck are typically reserved for the gallows -- people about to hung by the neck for whatever they did to upset someone.

Second sentence: Does Leah think of herself as a "raven-haired" beauty? I ask because, whether you realize it or not, you're writing this scene in her POV. Do you think of yourself by your hair color when you're lying around dreaming of boys? I would think you don't -- but I can't be sure; I never know what any woman really thinks. Still, my belabored point is don't tell us what Leah looks like. Just tell us what she sees and feels and thinks. Anything that is outside of this, typically personal description (except when relevant, say like: weight) should be excluded from the narrative.

Interestingly, that second sentence packs a lot of information in one hit. The trouble is that it is too much information for one sentence. Consider using at least two to bring these details out. But, doesn't her "crystal blue-eyed elf" have a name? Wouldn't she think of his name? I would, if I were dreaming of a woman I loved. I'd be thinking about her name a lot, and, of course, what she looks like. But I'd always have her name on the brain. Always.

Bear with me, I'm going to rewrite these two sentences (and make an assumption or two) to illustrate my points:

** As she lay quietly on her straw mattress, Leah gazed at the medallion she wore around her neck. Luke had given it to her, and touching the medallion now made her feel closer to her elven love so far away. She missed looking into his eyes: crystal-blue, like jelly-roll, like sculpture (sorry, I was just listening to the Pixies while writing that bit, but you get the point. Forgive my silliness, please.). She missed him.
***

Now, I made this longer on purpose... not to show that my way is better, but to show you to take a little time to setup the information. There's time. Not a lot, but don't cram it all in at once. Also, note how I make 'Luke's' eye color relevant. Because Leah is thinking about them right then; she misses his eyes -- the way he looks at her when he's feeling happy, sad, amorous. Whatever. Make the descriptions relevant for the moment.

Does this make sense?

quote:

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The raven-haired beauty was deep in thought about her crystal-blue eyed love

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In other words, I don't trust your character at all after this. I'm afraid that she's going to be so perfect and self-centered that she's going to make me sick.

After that, you get better, although you need to watch out for the adjectives (I'm thinking specifically the "blood curdling scream followed by a ground shaking growl" because both of those -ings are cliché and they're close enough together within the text that they're distracting).

Leah lay <quietly> on her straw mattress, fingering a silver medallion hanging around her neck. The raven-haired beauty was deep in thought about her crystal-blue eyed love <living> far away in his elven land. His promises to her have kept her warm at night, and her hope to see him again<,> has kept her breathing. Her delicate fingers danced over the luminous amethyst, when she heard a woman's <blood curdling> (CLICHE, either describe the scream another way or just delete those two words) scream followed by a ground shaking growl. She rushed to the window, and through the twisting branches of her family's oak tree, <she> saw a <large> towering (redundant-scratch one of these adjectives. I suggest 'large' since it's the more bland of the two) beast,(comma splice) he raised a(n) <great> axe and sliced the head off of her neighbor<.>, <It> threw aside the <neighbor's> body with a tremendous force and then reached down and grabbed the screaming woman <that was> hiding behind the neighbor. The woman shrieked and pleaded for her life as the beast began to drag her away. Leah grabbed the window sill and dug her finger nails into the wood. She strained to see who the woman was, when she finally realized, it was her mother."

other critiques: show up front that there are two women threatened by the beast. It was kind of jarring to see the beast slay the woman and then go after another woman that we didn't even know was in the scene until he decided to go after her.

Cut some of the adjectives, and when you do use an adjective make it count, don't necessarily go for the first descriptive word that comes to mind.

Too many instances of 'was'.

hope this helps

Just some nit-picks.
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Leah lay quietly on her straw mattress, fingering a silver medallion hanging around her neck. The raven-haired beauty was deep in thought about her crystal-blue eyed love [living] far away in his elven land. His promises to her have kept her warm at night, and her hope to see him again, has kept her breathing. Her delicate fingers danced over the luminous amethyst, when she heard a woman's blood*-*curdling scream followed by a ground*-*shaking growl. [PARAGRAPH]

First of all, this is actually a nightmare she is having about that night. She is getting close to giving birth to a half-orc which was conceived that night she is dreaming about.

In the coming paragraphs the nightmare is actually what sends her into labor.

Secondly, I was trying to build-up her innocence because the beast ends up doing something to her in the coming paragraphs that will forever change her life. I was just trying to show that she is lost in her own world until this event occured.

Thank you everyone for your comments. And yes HSO, I think I understand what you are saying.

[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited March 30, 2005).]

wbriggs: I don't know if they use this term in real fiction so often as they use it in fanfiction... I should have thought of that before I wrote it, but I thought I'd seen it on this board a couple of times. Basically, a Mary Sue is an angelically beautiful girl with either jet black or platinum blonde hair and radiant blue (or in the worst cases, violet) eyes. She's the kind of character that's so perfect she makes you want to gag. Leah isn't a Sue yet, but I saw a lot of Sue potential in this paragraph, and I tried to head it off as soon as I could.

But now, since I know that Wenderella is trying to contrast her innocence here with what the beast does to her, it works better for me.

Jaina: Thats okay!