“Don’t be late,” I say through a mouthful of pegs as I bend down to pick up another pair of threadbare socks from the bulging washing basket. “You know how I worry”. “Yes mum," comes the over-practised reply. “Can we go to Rabbit Valley? Pleeese,” the youngest whines batting her eyelashes,with deliberate intent. “Eighteen months..." I reflect as I watch them run at break-neck speed down the hill through the long grass. “Eighteen months...!” I marvel. "We ran like refugees to this cottage in the scrub".
Well...I have to be honest I'm not hooked. I have very little interest in what's going on and I think your being a bit too vague. Perhaps you need to be a bit more descriptive and tell the reader what makes this woman and her kids especially interesting.
Regards, Wenderella
[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited April 03, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited April 03, 2005).]
posted
First Shouldn’t... Cherished moments are like quicksilver, they slides too quickly from our touch. Be... Cherished moments are like quicksilver, they slide too quickly from our touch.
I place my comments in brackets ... {}
quote:“Don’t be late,” I say through a mouthful of pegs {what are pegs?} as I bend down to pick up another pair of threadbare socks from the bulging washing basket. {it might just be me, but this sentence is a bit awkward} “You know how I worry”. “Yes mum," comes the over-practised {spelling correction: practiced} reply. “Can we go to Rabbit Valley? Pleeese {spelling correction: please, or pleease if still you wanted to drag it out},” the youngest whines batting her eyelashes, { add a space here }with deliberate intent. “Eighteen months..." I reflect as I watch them run at break-neck speed down the hill through the long grass. “Eighteen months...!” I marvel {OK, at this point I am not sure what Eighteen months means, or why you are marveling at it. And are you actually supposed to be saying that out load, and why are you shouting? Or is this something you are supposed to be thinking to yourself? }. "We ran like refugees to this cottage in the scrub". {Again, not sure if you intended this to be something you are saying out load. I am not sure what the sentence means to be honest (maybe that will be made clearer in the coming sentences). Does this relate to the 18 months? }
This is not a very large sample either, not a full 13 lines at least. It might help to have a bit larger sample to critique on.
[This message has been edited by SkorPiun (edited April 03, 2005).]
posted
Thankyou Wenderella, for the welcome and to ScorPiun also. I have made the corrections you suggest and added a few more lines. I appreciate your help and look forward to doing the same for you.
Pegs are the clips with which wet clothes are pinned to the line to dry and I think that the clue to this is in the mention of the washing basket. I suppose it is possible that in some parts of the world people only use drying machines and dont hang their clothes out in the sun but in this land of perpetual sunlight it is the done thing. This is a story about domestic violence and the clues to this is about the 14th to 18th lines.
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