posted
Quicksilver “Don’t be late,” I say through a mouthful of clothes pegs as I take another pair of threadbare socks from the washing basket. “You know how I worry.” “Yes mum,” comes the over-practiced reply. “Can we go to Rabbit Valley? Pleease,” the youngest whines, deliberately batting her eyelashes. I watch her as her blond head, bobbing up and down, disappears over the curve of the hill and I stand and stare at the vacant landscape. I sigh in disbelief. “Eighteen months,” I say as I pin the last of the clothes to the line. My mind dances dangerously back. “Eighteen months since we fled like refugees to this cottage in the bush,” I say as I pull the cane chair into a sunny place on the veranda. It creaks as I lean back into the cushions and close my eyes. I feel the anxiety of the dark days at the back of my mind and I am drawn to it. I feel the sting of his hand across my cheek and the rank smell of his breath as he pulls me to him.
[This message has been edited by Deyna Moon (edited April 03, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Deyna Moon (edited April 03, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Deyna Moon (edited April 03, 2005).]
posted
I'm not sure if you want me to reply to this post or to your other one. I'll reply to this one since you have more text here. Specific comments first:
I don't know if "over-practiced" sounds right. All kids say that. Is it really practicing? It's just normal life.
"The youngest whines" Since we are supposed to be in the mind of the mother, would she really think of her child as "the youngest?" or would she think "little Betsy" or whatever?
You have them asking for permission after you've already indicated that they are going somewhere. Perhaps you could move the request to the beginning.
There is a really abrupt transition from bucolic images to darkness. Maybe provide a bit more of a transition.
General comments:
Overall there are some immediate things which would probably keep me from reading much further. The most major is going so quickly into a flashback. On the whole if you have to transition into the past that early in the story, you started in the wrong place. If the beginning is only a frame, consider cutting it altogether or clearly setting it apart as a frame, then beginning your story at the beginning, instead of having the whole thing be just a memory. If you choose to present the story in the format you have it in currently, be aware that it may be very difficult to publish, and that the reader will be distanced from the events: after all, if it is just a memory and everyone is okay, why do we care?
Also if your imagery is very graphic, I probably wouldn't want to read it.
Since the mother is the viewpoint character, try to express things the way she would think of them, not the way that an outside observer would see them.
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited April 03, 2005).]
I like this newer version better! You are a lot more descriptive and I find myself wanting to know more. But I agree with autumnmuse about some of her comments. It's still seems to need more work.
But I do want to say.... I figured out what the "pegs" were when I first read it, and that it is probably another term for what we know as "clothes pins". However, I found it interesting to learn what another place in the world calls them, and I'm not sure there is anything wrong with using a term that the reader has to figure out. Afterall, part of reading is discovering other places and other cultures(fiction or not). So I thought pegs were okay.
[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited April 03, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited April 03, 2005).]
posted
OK, I now know what pegs are – Hey you learn something new every day. Apparently Wenderella and Beth both figured it out in their first read, so I think Wenderella is probably right, that there is nothing wrong with using this word, especially if that is what the POV character calls them. I would not change this word just because a few readers (me) are a bit slow on the pickup :o)
This revision is a LOT better then the first. I understand the imagery much better this time around, and am even a bit hooked. I would keep reading, and in my opinion that’s what matters :o)
posted
Thanks everyone for your help. Much appreciated. I know this topic is not everyones 'cup of tea' so to speak but I like to write about the human condition. It is what inspires me.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2005
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