Whilst i'm working on my computer novel thing, I've decided to do some short works as well. At least this way I can finish some writings some time soon.
Here's the beginning of the short story i'm working on:
God created everything. He created light, the earth and the angels. One of these angels was called Lucifer, or as some know him –Satan. Even fewer know him as Adam. God also created good and evil and he infused the knowledge of both into a forbidden fruit tree in the Garden of Eden. Adam ate from the tree and ever since mankind has been poisoned with evil.
Doctor Cornelius was once again about to make history. His previous successes in devising and performing procedures to control criminal behaviour were well documented. But this time his achievement would be monumental. After years of research, examination and testing he had managed to pinpoint the source of human iniquity --an infinitesimal substance that could be seen (only if you knew exactly where to look) on appropriately magnified brain scans. He knew this latest surgical procedure was destined to be a breakthrough. There was literally zero risk in the operation involved. Frontal Lobotomy was the closest relation to Cornelius’s new method, but even with the advances in laser and radiation technology, the fatality rate was still high.
Whadya reckon?
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 05, 2005).]
posted
I was hooked on the first paragraph. Then I read the second one and began wondering how the first paragraph related to it. The only thing I saw to relate it was the reference to evil. Then I started wondering if the first paragraph was from one of Doctor Cornelius's research papers or whether it was him or another (yet unintroduced) character speaking.
So yes, I was hooked, but then I got pulled out of the story by my need to relate the two paragraphs. Then I noticed that the paragraphs where both pretty info-dumpy and nothing had really "happened" yet.
posted
Same as NewsBys, I was hooked by the first paragraph but jolted out of the story when the second one started. It has no connection to the first one.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I wasn't hooked by either: they're both summary. I suggest you put the protagonist in a particular time and place, and show us what he's seeing, hearing, feeling, or doing. This isn't a hard and fast rule for all time, but it's usually the way to go.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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also I'm confused by your description of a surgical procedure. you tell me there's literally zero risk, which I absolutely do not believe for any surgical procedure at all, and then you tell me something about frontal lobotomies, and that the fatality rate is high. do you mean to contrast frontal lobotomies, which are highly fatal (really?) with the new procedure? it seems muddled.
posted
Not to be offensive, but this sort of reads like the blurb on a dust jacket. It interests me, but as written, it doesn't feel like a story -- it feels like half of a blurb.
Consider not summarizing. Tell us a story. When the past is relevant to the present, then bring up the information. Ease us into your world and we'll follow along. Dump it on us with too much at once and we'll be confused, or worse: put the story down. Give us a good reason to care about the doc.
posted
The only thing that interested me was this:
quote: One of these angels was called Lucifer, or as some know him –Satan. Even fewer know him as Adam.
Other than that, I had no clue where you were trying to take this, and in a short story, that's two paragraphs of wasted space. You don't have the room to be wordy in short stories that you do in novels. Every sentence has to be absolutely crucial to the rest of the story, or you're better off cutting it.
Posts: 437 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
Okay folks. I guess I've gone a bit wrong somewhere. I'll redo this & put more action in from the doctors point of view & try and bring in the reason for the operation that he would be performing in a sentence or 2's time later.
There is a big connection between paragraph one and two. It just isn't explained yet. It will be explained as soon as the operation gets underway and the doctor realises he has found the source of pure evil in the human brain and set it free from this patient.
Another version for you all to try out very shortly.
posted
Hmm. Actually, I just read HSO's comment a bit closer.
You dont need to care about the doc. The doc is just going to perform an operation, but I'm setting his credentials & using his character to bring in the story about why the operation is taking place & the (made up) science stuff that will cause the events that are to pass.
The patient is going to be the one that you will care about. However, I cant show it from his point of view. The doctor is the guy who's invented this cool new procedure & is meddling with stuff he shouldn't be. You will see the story from the doctor's eyes, but you will feel more for the patient.
Somebody is bound to say that the PoV needs to be from the patient. But, it wont work. Trust me. All sorts of bad stuff is going to happen to the patient. He's going to become godlike once the evil is taken out of him. However, I cant have him going around saying 'hey, i'm great. I'm like god' because god wouldn't be as proud to be feeling stuff like that. The doctor is going to be in awe of the patient & worried about what he needs to do to put matters right.
Sounds weird eh? But I guess it's kind of like the Sherlock Holmes thing. You need to see it through Watson's eyes otherwise you'd get a bit fed up of knowing what all the answers are before they are revealed. Also, you would get fed up of Sherlock boasting about how brilliant he is.
I dont want to try and justify any poor writing by going down this route though. I'll rewrite the beginning taking the comments on board so far. See how this fares you all & then offer up the whole thing when its finished.
What's the limits on wordcount for short stories BTW? I've got a feeling this will run to about 4000.
posted
You can show it from Watson's POV, that's fine - but you need to establish Watson's POV in order to do that.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
cool. Some serios doctor Cornerlius Point of View on its way. Tell you what. It will be so PoV'ified that you'll start to call yourself by his name by mistake.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
It sounds pretty interesting. At first I thought the transition seemed kind of off from the first and second paragraph. Then I thought, maybe there is more than I noticed at first, and I got more interested.
Posts: 39 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I've done a new version now & posted it in a new thread. I'm not sure that's the correct protocol - but I did it way down here & it didn't get read. Most likely because everybody has already posted their comments and therefore no need to keep coming back and checking for updates.
Let me know if this is wrong.
Cheers.
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 06, 2005).]
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