I am thankful for any criticism (or praise!) you might have for what I am enclosing below.

The first thirteen lines (actually twelve as that was a paragraph break) are:

I don't want to read a book about how cool you are, or read about a whiny man who is blessed with skating one of the most tragic circumstances of the human condition: death.

That's why I'd skip over to the next book, rather than read a story about an ancient with the sensibilities of an eleven year old during summer vacation.

I imagine that you address all of these issues in the story, but for 12 lines, I'm moving on to the next book.

Do you have any positive suggestions for my "hook" that would hook you into buying the book?

For one thing, scenes that open with people sitting around brooding about how bored they are tend to be dull. For another thing, you haven't really started a scene here - you haven't shown me anything at all, you've just told me that Rik is old and bored.

I'm just not drawn in.

welcome aboard.

How about if, instead of telling us that Rik is old and bored, you show him doing something more active than brooding? Taking a more active approach to the storytelling tends to draw the reader in more effectively than exposition in a "clever" voice.

For those of you who might still wish to critique the writing (not as a hook, but as part of a story), I would still appreciate that very much.

The description is ok for now. It's when you shift into his interior monologue that it begins to fall apart for me. The biggest problem is that it's repetitive. You give us his thought - this woman deserves so much more etc etc - but you also tell us that he's in turmoil, and you tell us that he's bitter, and you tell us that he's despondant. I suggest whacking all of that, and just leaving his thoughts - they are clear enough that you don't need all the explanatory baggage cluttering things up. Resist the Urge to Explain.

Then I just didn't understand at all what you were saying with the last sentence.

But I do think this is a better beginning, overall - you're showing a guy in conflict, not just sitting around. Now we're kind of wondering what's so bad about this guy, and why he doesn't trust this woman to make up her own mind about what she wants (is he really a condescending jerk? Or is she really too incompetant to make her own decisions? Does he have power of attorney for all her other decisions, too? How did she get to be so incompetant? Accident? Maybe oxygen was cut off from her brain for too long? Or maybe she was born that way?), and what he's going to do next.

I think I'm starting to get some of what you're saying. Try this on:

Comments:
You refer to her eyes being green twice. I would like to hear a more specific description of them, a better word for green. He is in love with her, he must have a better description of her eyes than that they were green. Especially if the candle light was giving her face a different effect than natural light.

Rik desperately wanted to hide his inner turmoil from Jenna, hoping to face his despondency without worrying her. His inner struggle had nothing to do with her - she had been supportive beyond all imagining. Despite this, he knew he needed time - alone - to sort himself out.

with actions and dialog, instead of telling me?

It probably won't happen in 13 lines. (which means, btw, 13 manuscript lines - not 13 lines on this board- I think you are cutting yourself a little short.)

This is kinda fun - I'm willing to keep playing via e-mail if you go beyond the 13 lines.

I really appreciate the comments I have received. How else to make it better (i.e., publishable)?

Here's another stab:

-----

But how can I do the inner dialog stuff openly or with action and dialog if the whole point is to hide his situation from Jenna so she won't worry/attempt to help? Rik is keenly aware he is struggling within himself and he alone has the power to heal what is broken.

Can you suggest something to help me see what I'm missing?

Oh, I forgot. The next paragraph adds a bit..

------
He struggled to chat with his wife, offhandedly mentioning several of the more pleasant moments they had had together. As he thought of each, he compared the man he had been then with the one he had become. Each successive comparison drove him into a blacker state of pessimism. He longed for a return of his passion, his sense of infinite frontiers open wide on the distant horizon before him. They went home with Rik still searching his soul for an end to his apathy.

She asks him what's wrong. he seems a little distracted, she thinks.
He says nothing, darling, nothing's wrong, of course, and tries to change the subject. But under the table he's fiddling with his napkin and maybe he feels his stomach getting all knotted up like it always does when he lies.
But she doesn't believe him and presses him.
He presses back, trying harder to cover it up.

----
The evening had started well. Rik and his beautiful green eyed wife, Jenna, went to one of their favorite places in Seattle for dinner. The atmosphere was relaxed and romantic, with a beautiful tinkling waterfall at one end of the place feeding a koi filled stream meandering among the tables. The golden light of the candles played light and shadows across her face, sparkling in her wide set eyes. As always, she dazzled him with her serene and loving smile. Rik desperately wanted to hide his inner turmoil from Jenna, hoping to face his despondency without worrying her. His inner struggle had nothing to do with her - she had been supportive beyond all imagining. Despite this, he knew he needed time - alone - to sort himself out.

Jenna easily sensed Rik's discomfiture. Being married to a man like Rik for decades had made his moods - and sometimes even his thoughts - as plain to her as headlines on a newspaper. She finally decided she had had enough of the mystery.

"Is something wrong, Rik?" she asked. "All evening you have fiddled with your drink and looked quite obviously preoccupied." Watching him closely, she said, "Can I help?"

Rik look up from his plate - eyes at first wide in shock as if he had been caught in a deception. Almost as quickly, he smiled weakly, realizing how well she knew him.

"Nothing you can help me with, my dear," he said contritely. "I'm afraid I am struggling with a bit of a self-inflicted problem that I must work out for myself."

Jenna would have none of that. Clearly this man was struggling - a child could see that. But struggling with what? Why couldn't they work through whatever it was together, as they had numerous previous challenges - both personal and impersonal?

But you are getting closer to showing me what's going on, in an active way, instead of just telling me in a static way.

The next steps: a) write it from a consistent POV; b) remove the opening paragraph, and weave the description smoothly into the scene. this way you are starting actively rather than with a block of static description.

you really shouldn't go over 13 lines here, though.

The only other comment I might have is..

quote:

---

Jenna easily sensed Rik's discomfiture. Being married to a man like Rik for decades had made his moods - and sometimes even his thoughts - as plain to her as headlines on a newspaper. She finally decided she had had enough of the mystery.

---

You'll get lots of advice here on hatrack, but if you keep changing your story a half-dozen times to match the advice people are giving, you're going to find you've been running around in circles and have wound up completely frustrated. Beth (and others) often have great advice on fragments and you should pay attention to what she says, however, WAIT some time before revising your fragment or posting new ones. Give the advice time to sink in -- get other opinions, and so on.

I see this happen a lot here and, in my opinion, it's rarely a good thing. I've seen somewhat good fragments go horribly wrong with people rushing to conclusions. Sometimes someone will say something that you instantly recognize as a good thing, and you will want to make that change quickly. But, but, but... don't jump at the first opinion offered. Wait, assimilate, then decide. Otherwise, you're writing for a very limited audience, possibly.

DSO, I am aware of the phenomenon you're talking about. I am such a writing tyro that I wanted to try out a few things to see what I could learn. I'm not really running in circles, but instead trying to push some buttons to see what comes back that might help me with my writing.

Beth and SkorPiun, I was peripherally aware of the POV shift, but didn't think anything of it. I recently read a story where the POV shifted every few paragraphs with only a subtle hint to tell the reader which POV he was at in each. I thought it was an interesting twist. I suppose it is a nono in traditional fiction, and probably I would be better off without it. I just wanted you to know it wasn't completely unintentional - more experimental <smirk>.

I will take what I have learned from the crits above and try to go through my entire story and be as effective at being self-critical as I can.

The real problem for me is that: self-criticism. I have spent the last year off-and-on writing what I have so far (I have a family and a day job that keeps me very busy). During the course of that I have formed a lot of what may be bad habits. Unlearning these while self-critiquing the writing won't be easy, especially for one of my own huge ego.

I have been a very successful engineer for years and years now, which has inflated my internal belief in my own ability to be right a lot of the time. However, my engineering career has done little to build my writing skills.

Going back to square #1 by doing something new (writing fiction) necessarily involves a lot of suppression of reflex and humility that I had just about eliminated from my makeup after all these years. (Perhaps I could benefit from conversion to an Eastern religion or something to learn some real humility...)

{Beth, your comments about my responses here, "no ego involved," are a misperception, I'm afraid. It's true I am trying to suppress my ego here so I can learn from you valuable folks. But doing so in the privacy of my own mind while reading through my writing is a fish of another kettle...}

Clearly 66K words isn't something you can ask someone to read through in an afternoon. The story really does go a lot of very interesting places. I'm very excited about it, and I want to do it justice with writing that grabs the reader's attention and won't let go.

Would any of you be interested in reading a chapter or two or three? I would be most grateful for any crits. I wouldn't want you to do so until I have run through them with my newly critical eye, so it might be a couple of weeks (I'm about to leave on vacation) before I can get it to you anyway.

i think i am now obligated to read the first chapter when you're ready.

Also, I have been poking around the http://www.sfwa.org web site reading all of the cautions for novice writers, etc. I'm embarassed to say I'm doing many of the things listed there.

I think I'm going to do a rewrite. I will start a new topic when I have enough to be worth reading.

I appreciate your offer to read Ch.1 Beth. Someday soon (ish).