posted
OK, here's the first 13 or so lines. The full thing is 764K, 198 pgs. And yes, I'd like some critiques, please...
She bolted upright, her heart beating fast, a scream caught in her throat, her heart pounding as she clutched the blanket to her chest. Shaking, she looked around the room. Slowly her pulse went back to normal as she realized it was just the dream, the nightmare, again.
She got up and went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, then headed to the sofa and curled up to try to figure out why she'd been having the same experience night after night for the last week.
It was a horrible dream. She was being chased, as happened in many nightmares, and couldn't out run her pursuer. When she looked over her shoulder she saw him, it, slowly getting closer. It was just a vague form the first night, but each time thereafter it took on more definition until, tonight, it became something human, or humanoid, in appearance. And, for the first time, she had seen something ahead of her, glowing softly, suspended in mid air. She knew somehow that, if she reached it, it would be her salvation. But before she could she had awakened.
She sat there, still tense, not wanting to return to bed. Then she shook her head.
'They only come once a night,' she thought to herself. 'Go, get some sleep or you’ll be dead in the morning.’ She smiled a bit at that. ‘Hope that’s not what the dream is trying to tell me.’
posted
OK, maybe I got something wrong...it's 77,423 words in 198 pages *g* Am using Arial 12pt font. But then, maybe the two pics I did for it account for some of the size. I'd take them out before sending it to anyone.
Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I am afraid I am not hooked by your beginning, though. One easy thing to fix is that you haven't told me your protagonist's name. If she's important enough to open with, then she's important enough to have a name.
But the bigger problem, and I am not saying this to be mean - but it seems very ordinary. All we've got is a vague dream of being chased. I want something more - some vivid dream images, maybe, or something more unique about your nameless protagonist - anything.
Also you've stumbled a little on the internal monolog at the end. Don't try to write her thoughts like dialog. Drop the punctuation and the attributions, which are unnecessary - who else would be thinking this? and just phrase them as her thoughts. (Also I doubt she was smiling at her thoughts - she's cranky and tired and she's smiling?)
something like -
Luckily the dreams only came once a night. But she had to get some sleep or she'd be dead in the morning. She hoped that wasn't what the dream was trying to tell her.
Please don't be discouraged. You got a lot of things right here - the POV is solid, and the sentences have all the right grammatical stuff.
posted
I concur. It feels ordinary. I think you have a nice plot in mind, characters that are insteresting and something real scary. However, it's not there in the beginning. Sad, 13 lines really is short, but it's true that's all we have to catch a reader. I even do that when I go book shopping.
So I would like to see character, plot and setting (heard that before? ;-) immediately. Who's she? And what's the main problem.
The last thing I was wondering: why is it a nightmare if the form appearing in her dream is her salvation? I would believe it's a darn nice dream when you can catch salvation out of it.
Just my 2 cents, and with the way the economy is doing, maybe worth less than that.
posted
OK, does this work any better...dump the description of the dream and....... (I know, it's more than 13 lines, sorry)
Erin bolted upright, her heart beating fast, a scream caught in her throat, her heart pounding as she clutched the blanket to her chest. Shaking, she looked around the room. Slowly her pulse went back to normal as she realized it was just the dream, the nightmare, again.
She got up and went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, then headed to the sofa and curled up to try to figure out why she'd been having the same experience night after night for the last week.
She sat there, not wanting to return to bed. Then she shook her head, thinking that luckily the dreams only came once a night. But she had to get some sleep or she'd be dead in the morning and she had too many deliveries to make to be able to function that way.
>>
When the alarm went off Erin groaned, climbed out of bed, and wandered to the bathroom. One look in the mirror told her that she definitely was becoming sleep deprived.
After a hot shower she dressed and grabbed something to eat before heading down to the office, Wizard in tow. She let him out into the backyard, smiling to herself. At least she didn't have to commute to work, which considering what she did all day was a blessing.
Just as she got settled at her desk the phone rang.
"Greene Dragon Deliveries, how may I help you?" she said. She listened for a moment. "Yes Sir. I can be there in half an hour to pick it up." She listened a bit more, frowning. "All right, but it costs more for night deliveries. Nine it is. I'll see you then." She took down the address.
posted
Opinion: the following information belongs in the first paragraph as quickly as you can put it in. It is the first thing I read that hooked me. Where it is now is okay, but if you can develop this sooner, I think it may help:
quote: the same experience night after night for the last week.
All right. I'm going to 'attack' the first paragraph. Because I feel it could be a lot tighter and say more with less. It's easier for me to rewrite it in this case. Don't take offense to it, please. First, your original paragraph:
quote:Erin bolted upright, her heart beating fast, a scream caught in her throat, her heart pounding as she clutched the blanket to her chest. Shaking, she looked around the room. Slowly her pulse went back to normal as she realized it was just the dream, the nightmare, again.
Now another way:
"Erin woke screaming from the same nightmare she'd had for the past week. Shaking, she clutched the blanket to her chest until her heartbeat returned to normal."
Now, when you read the above, I cut out the "looked around the room" (and took a liberty or two) because it doesn't add anything, really. I incorporated my earlier recommendation, too. Then I sort of "economized" the whole thing into two sentences. My preference would be to add more right after this. Probably the once-a-night thing would do for me.
But anyway, I'd be happy to crit about 5,000 words to start. If it hooks me past that, I'll keep going. My email is in my profile.
Good luck.
-HSO
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited April 11, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited April 11, 2005).]
posted
I agree with both J and HSO. This is a lot better, although the changes are subtle. good work.
Is Wizard a dog? You might want to clarify what kind of pet he is. If it's a dog or other ordinary pet, telling me will keep me from getting distracted by wondering; if Wizard is something extraordinary, telling me he's a dragon or whatever will help punch up the beginning.
I can read the first chapter, too. Up to about 5k.
posted
If you want me to read, I will, but I might not have it back to you until the end of the week. If that's not a problem, send it over. Posts: 437 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
What would happen if you dumped the first section entirely and started with, "When the alarm went off..."? Then at the end of the first paragraph say that she'd woken screaming from the same nightmare every night for the past week.
It'll just cut to the chase a bit more quickly--although if you write it that way I'm sure someone will complain that using a flashback will mean you've started the story in the wrong place. So, I'll clarify that I'm not suggesting a flashback proper.
posted
The beginning sentence or 2 was a bit cliche for me.
Maybe think about describing the action in the dream (without letting the reader know it is a dream just yet) instead of recalling what happened in it just after you start the story with the girl bolting upright. Oh, and I only read it quick. But I think we ought to know her name. ...I haven't read the other comments yet btw.
Maybe something like: Sarah knew it was coming for her. She was trying her hardest to run away from it. But her legs just wouldn't work. It was as though she wore concrete boots. One foot plodded in front of the other, she just couldn't seem to go any faster. The thing behind her was gaining on her. Damn, come on, I need to go faster.
She bolted upright in her bed. It was the same dream again. But this time, she could make out that the thing was a person, not just an empty form. She wiped her forehead and her hand came back damp with perspiration.
Hope this helps.
Edit: Oh sorry, my critique was based on the first version. I think some of it still stands though.
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 12, 2005).]
posted
Starting from a dream is, from my very personal experience, a nearly impossible hook to use effectivly.
Some sentences are ineffective because of their structure. The entire 2cond paragraph, for example, which also happens to be one sentence. I can not absorb information shot at me in such a fast pace.
You sometimes stop to redefine a word. The first was OK, although I personally did not like it. The second time, however, was not so good --
quote:him, it,
. Is it a he or is it an it?
Furthermore, you use this same overloading structure on a grander scale, too often for it to work the way it could.
quote:
She bolted upright, her heart beating fast, a scream caught in her throat, her heart pounding as she clutched the blanket to her chest
4 bits of information.
1 sentence.
quote: She got up and went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, then headed to the sofa and curled up to try to figure out why she'd been having the same experience night after night for the last week.
4 bits, the last of which is loaded heavily.
quote: It was just a vague form the first night, but each time thereafter it took on more definition until, tonight, it became something human, or humanoid, in appearance
The "tonight" part here is a big jag, imo.
To end this off, let me say that so what? All this fear is of something that does not exist for a character whom I do not care for (why should I with such limited information?) and do not even know the name of!
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