posted
Here's a short story I wrote some time last year. It's a horror story(or something lke it), and runs 7600 words. The title I have now is "Hospital Ward."
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Dave awoke in a room that he had never been in before. He had seen rooms like this before in television shows, and it was just not the room he was familiar with; he was also familiar with the wardrobe that normally came with such rooms. The room was white and padded, and the dress code was a strait jacket. It wasn't till he tried to get up and fell over, that he realized that his ankles were bound. His neck ached, but he gave no heed to it. Dave was too busy being afraid. He crawled to the back of the wall, and sat there not making a sound. He didn't know what to do. Dave became even more afraid, but this fear gave him strength. The worry of where his wife, Susan, and his daughter, Peggy, were would not remain silent. "Susan! Peggy!" He called the names, but no answer came. He didn't know whether to be relieved that they might not be here, or be even more afraid that a worse fate befell his loved ones.
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If you want to read the rest of it, tell me.
[This message has been edited by Mr_Megalomaniac (edited April 09, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Mr_Megalomaniac (edited April 09, 2005).]
posted
It appears to me that you have some problems with the mechanics of writing.
Dave awoke in a room that he had never been in before. He had seen rooms like this before in television shows, (THIS COMMA IS NOT NEEDED) and it was not the room he was familiar with ;( THE SECOND PART OF THIS SENTENCE CONDERDICK THE FRIST AND YOU SHOULD END THE SENTENCE HERE BECAUSE THE REST IS A NEW THOUGHT) he was also familiar with the wardrobe that normally came with such rooms. The room was white and padded, and the dress code was strait jacket. (THIS IS TWO SENTANCES, THE ROOM IS ONE TOPIC, THE DRESS CODE ANOTHER.) It wasn’t until he tried to get up and fell over, that he realized his ankles were bound.(I DON`T THINK YOU NEED THE COMMA IN THIS SENTENCE) His neck ached, but he gave no heed to it. Dave was too busy being afraid. (I DON`T THINK WE ARE BUSY WITH BEING AFRAID, WE MAY BE PREOCUPIED WITH FEAR, BUT NOT BUSY.) He crawled to the back of the wall, and sat there not making a sound. (WHERE IS THE BACK OF A WALL? AND THE COMMA IS NOT REQUIRED.) He didn’t know what to do. (THIS IS INFOREMATION ONLY DAVE WOULD KNOW.)Dave became even more afraid, but this fear gave him strength. (AGAIN SOMETHING ONLY DAVE WOULD KNOW.)The worry of where his wife, Susan, and his daughter, Peggy, would not remain silent. (THE FIRST THREE COMMAS ARE NOT REQUIRED) ”Susan! Peggy!” He called the names, but no answer came. He didn’t know whether to be relieved that they might not be here, or be even more afraid that a worse fate befell his loved ones. (AGAIN SOMETHING THAT ONLY DAVE WOULD KNOW.) Well thays the way this old puppy sees it. Ablelaz.
posted
Quote: "Oh hell. I'm going to steer clear of this discussion for a bit."
Because that bit I posted is as horrifying as ablelaz made it out to be, or because you think this thread is going to get anger managment problems, or both?
posted
Hi Meglomaniac, Just a few thoughts on your writing. This first 13 lines has some very interesting ideas that just need polishing. It may be that I'm tired so take it with a grain of salt...
1. "and it was just not the room he was familiar with; he was also familiar with the wardrobe that normally came with such rooms". This sentence doesn't make sense to me when I read it. "Just not" implies that he was not familiar with the room. "Also familiar" implies that he was. (not just?)
Make sure that your ideas are clear and well communicated.
2. You need to clarify your point of view and make it more interesting. Have your character think or say more. There are some very good ( I found them helpful) exercises on this forum showing you how to do this. Also Jeraliey (though I may have this wrong) showed how this could be done in 'fragments and feedback" for another writer.
3. Try to break up this big block of words to keep attention all the way through.
4. Relax with your language and get tense with your grammar. It is good to know where to put commas (not that I can talk really but faith of the converted etc).
ALSO PLEASE NOTE NO ONE IS PERFECT AND WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES that's the only way you learn. At least that's what I tell myself after each asinine escapade,
take care li
[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 12, 2005).]
posted
Huh. Nobody decided to explore ablelaz's understanding of "the mechanics of writing". I suppose I'm just as happy.
Anyway, for an actual comment...the opening isn't very evocative, and yet the language isn't always perfectly clear. The first line is a good example. "Dave awoke" is a boring way to start a story, and not very informative compared to various alternatives. He could be waking up from a pleasent sleep or he could be crawling out of a drugged stupor back into his bruised, pain-racked, meat-machine. The opening, and the rest of the text, gives no clue as to which is the case. And the rest of that sentance, "in a room that he had never been in before" manages to be both mundane and confusing.
Horrifyingly, I find myself impelled to give the advice that is ever so much more trite and yet confusing than the passage to which I now apply it.
posted
I like the hook (he's in a padded cell and doesn't know how he got there). I'm not as fond of the discussion of how he knows about it, and I find it unnecessary: he knows it's a padded cell because it's a cell (a small room) and it's padded. That's enough. How about:
Dave awoke in a padded cell, wearing a straitjacket. He tried to get up*,* and fell over, and realized that his ankles were bound.
[Then have him try to recall what happened before -- at least, that's what *I* would do if I were him. When you do this, it will likely give cause for him to worry about his family.]
posted
Thanks for all the suggestions, and I see what you all mean. I may need to start reading my stories aloud to see if that'll help me be more aware of my own writings. After learning from this story and getting alot of school work out of the way, I hope to be able to focus more on the critiquing of others' works.
Posts: 39 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
So is critiquing other's works. I always find it much easier to spot the errors in someone else's words than my own, which in turn, makes it easier to recognize the same flaws when I edit my own work.
Listen to what Survivor is telling you, but allow me to expand a wee bit. "Show, don't tell." Specifically, let's look at, "Dave became even more afraid." Can you give me a word picture of what this fear felt like? Did his heart race, did his mouth feel dry, or did he wet himself? What is he thinking while he's afraid? I'll bet that the words running through his head are not, "I'm even more afraid." Now, your next sentence touches on thoughts but it could be developed.
Yes, it sure does. Occasionaly I have a tendency to write things objectivly and make it seem less important than it accually is, because I like to give things a dry sense of humor. Apparently it doesn't work as well with the more important parts of the story. Who knew? (Everyone else, but me...)
[This message has been edited by Mr_Megalomaniac (edited April 11, 2005).]
posted
Quote: "Even more revealing than reading your own stuff aloud is listening while someone else tries to read your own stuff to you. It can also be very painful. "
Even before I got to the very painful part, I cringed at that idea, and thought, "Ew, never!" Which is probably a sign that it would be very helpful. I remember having my mom look over some of my papers before college, and that was horrible. Though, partly from the way she sipped her coffe. (I can still hear it.) The coffee probably helped in some negative conditioning about how I feel towards it.
posted
"Survivor, I'm glad I amused you," she said, while thinking that she was glad she had amused him.
Kathleen, I'll add a caution to your suggestion; the value of having someone else read your stuff depends on the ability of the reader. Some readers will stumble over "See Spot run."
posted
I think a reader would only have to be marginally competent...that way they would stumble over absolutely everything that might possibly be a problem. That would be even more help...seeing where any POTENTIAL problems lie.
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Hi Mr Megalomaniac---I’m sorry to see how you perceived my effort at critiquing your bit of prose. Quote. {Because that bit I posted is as horrifying as ablelaz made it out to be or because you think this thread is going to get anger management problems, or both?} I didn’t set out to make your post as horrible as I could. I didn’t set out to make your post anything. I simply tried to point out some of the errors you were making, both in punctuation and wording. Am I always right? Not so as I would know it. In fact I consider it a good day when I am right seventy-five per cent of the time. Critiques I do on this board are only based on my opinion, use what you think is helpful, discard what you think is garbage and save the rest in case your caught short while walking in the woods. Talk to you soon—ablelaz.
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