Erin had had a long day, after a restless night, and was more than ready for it to end, but that wasn’t going to happen. The first thing that morning she’d gotten a call from a new client asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost more, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up. So, after stopping to check the message machine in the office, she went upstairs to her apartment to grab something to eat and feed her dog, a beast she'd named Wizard because he was so smart. Besides, she’d thought, it kind of went with the name of her business, Greene Dragon Deliveries.
It had become her company two years after graduation. She’d found that she really was not one of those people who ‘played well with others’ as far as the business world was concerned. Not that she wanted to run things really; she just didn’t like taking orders from people she didn’t like or respect. So she’d taken the small inheritance she’d gotten when her mother had died and looked around for something she could do on her own. In the course of her search she’d met the old man who owned the delivery company. He was ready to retire and wanted to sell the company, it’s client list, and the building. He taught her the ins and outs of deliveries and within two months the business was hers. The only change she made was the name. She had a bit of a romantic streak under her practical nature and so had taken her last name, added the ‘Dragon’ and there it was.
Forgive me, I can't remember if this is a short or a novel.
Although the second paragraph leads seamlessly from the first, it feels a bit early to have that much exposition. I'm also a little concerned that your first paragraph is a flashback. What would you think about starting with the phone call as action and working the rest of the stuff in as you go?
posted
Better if I go this way? (and it's a novel)...........
Erin had had a long day, after a restless night, and was more than ready for it to end, but that wasn’t going to happen. The first thing that morning she’d gotten a call from a new client asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost more, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up. So, after stopping to check the message machine in the office, she went upstairs to her apartment to grab something to eat and feed her dog, a beast she'd named Wizard because he was so smart. Besides, she’d thought, it kind of went with the name of her business, Greene Dragon Deliveries.
Now, as she headed to the door to make her last run of the day, Wizard came up beside her, whining.
"You want to come too? OK, probably not a bad idea at that given what time it is."
Half an hour later she arrived at the address her client had given her. It was an older house on the western edge of the city, surrounded by tall trees that hid the view of all the housing developments in the area. That was one big reason she was glad she lived in the heart of Denver, it still had many old homes, some huge, some just family-sized, but all with their own histories.
She let Wizard out and they approached the front door of the house. As they walked up on the porch lights went on.
(and...question...would anyone be willing to look at a part, much further on in the SL, to see if it's logical in it's thought progressiion? It's about 2000 words/32K)
[This message has been edited by Edythe (edited April 18, 2005).]
maybe try thinking of it this way: the purpose of the opening is to get the reader to read more, not to explain the setup of the story. The most common way to do this is to show an interesting character in some sort of conflict (but there are other ways). Sometimes, a lot does get explained in the beginning - but that's secondary to the purpose of getting the reader to keep reading.
Erin had had a long day, after a restless night, and was more than ready for it to end, but that wasn’t going to happen. The first thing that morning she’d gotten a call from a new client asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost more, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up.
Now, as she headed to the door to make this last run of the day her dog Wizard, a large Beauceron, came up beside her, whining.
"You want to come too? OK, probably not a bad idea at that given what time it is."
Half an hour later she arrived at the address her client had given her. It was an older house on the western edge of the city, surrounded by tall trees that hid the view of all the housing developments in the area. Seeing it made her glad she lived in the heart of Denver which still had many old homes, some huge, some just family-sized, but all with their own histories.
She let Wizard out and they approached the front door of the house. As they walked up on the porch lights went on.
Hum, good security, she thought. Must be motion sensors. Interesting. She rang the bell and moments later an elderly man opened the door. He was tall, and looked very aristocratic. He had full head of well-groomed white hair and a slightly beaked nose on which sat a pair of gold-framed eyeglasses. She reminded her of one of her favorite professors when she’d been in school.
posted
Okay, just so you don't think I've fallen off the face of the planet, I have your story and I'm slowly but surely getting it done for you. For now, here's what I think of your new opener:
Wow, bare bones is right! It feels a little too bare bones to me. Bordering on info-dump, even, especially the first paragraph. Otherwise, though, it's pretty good. That last sentence confused me--I think He reminder her of a professor, not She reminded her of a professor.
posted
Your most recent revision is definitely the best so far. I do agree with Jaina, though. It is somewhat of an info dump, but still much improved from the first version.
And this:
quote:Hum, good security, she thought.
should probably be: Hum, good security, she thought.
Italicize her thoughts to separate them from the rest of the monologue. Adding that thought into your story, though, has helped to make it more interesting because now we get to see a bit of her character revealed through it.
posted
well, if the POV is well-established, you don't need "she thought" because of course it's the POV character doing the thinking, and thought attributions are just clutter. you don't need italics, either. Just "hum, good security" would do.
wbriggs - In two sentences - It's about a young woman who becomes the reluctant Guardian/wielder of a dagger with the power to destroy evildoers. She recieves the help of two young men, one blind, the other a hired bodyguard.
posted
I think this is better, but that's not going to stop me from making a suggestion. What if you took the last two sentences of the first paragraph and moved them, in altered form of course, to just after the last sentence in this section. I'm thinking something like, "He reminded her of one of her favorite professors when she’d been in school. Not at all the sort of man to insist on an evening delivery. But this man..."
Only with better writing. Or, you could reference it after "...given what time it is."
My point being, that I don't need to know it at the very top of the story.
posted
Any better? Moved the 'info dump' to here. Seems awkward but...*shrugging*
Hum, good security. Must be motion sensors. Interesting.(That part is in italics in my copy, just can't figure how to do it here) She rang the bell and moments later an elderly man opened the door. He was tall, and looked very aristocratic. He had full head of well-groomed white hair and a slightly beaked nose on which sat a pair of gold-framed eyeglasses. She reminded her of one of her favorite professors when she’d been in school, rather than a man who would have been so insistent that she come this late in the evening.
The first thing that morning she’d gotten the call from a new client, a Dr. Alexander, asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost more, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up.
"Welcome Ms. Greene. Please come in." He glanced at Wizard. "He may come in too, if he's trained to behave."
posted
Thanks, Edythe. It's no hard and fast rule, but: how about starting when she gets the dagger? or the bodyguard shows up?
If this doesn't work, your reason might be something like, "yes, but the reason it's interesting that SHE gets the dagger is her relationship to her mother," in which case you might start with her interacting with her mother. Or whatever. My point is, getting up to go to work in the morning is ho-hum (most of us do it 5/7 of our days!) so you'll need a hook beyond this, I think, although your character is engaging.
posted
Just read your latest version. This might be a good place to start -- visiting the professor -- but I am only interested if I know why THIS visit is interesting.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Well wbriggs ... the visit to the professor is the start ... of everything. I can't put the whole nine yards in the first 13 lines because there has to be a lead up to her getting it. No one knows about the dagger except one person, and it isn't her, but she is the protagonist.
And maybe it's just me but I like knowing the characters I read about have real lives before they're dumped into their adventures or romances or whatever is going to happen to them. *g*
posted
You can still show aspects of your character's normal life while making it interesting to the reader. Right now, it looks like your big problem is getting your reader to care about your character and her situation.
It might be better to start her off with a conflict of some kind. It doesn't even have to be the main conflict of the dagger or anything like that...just something to draw the reader in and get them to sympathize with the character.
rickfisher does this really well in his novel, Greycloak. I'll pitch it over to him to explain, if he's around.
[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited April 19, 2005).]
posted
Okay, I can't watch this anymore and say nothing.
Edy, stop changing your story after every suggestion. Please trust me on this. Get a whole bunch of opinions, and then distill them into their most common denominators. Sit on them for a while (i.e., forget about them), and come back to them later.
You're running yourself in circles. Everyone here means well, but you can't keep changing your story to please everyone.
Myself, I was perfectly fine with this opening with the dream, because it foreshadowed an impending event. And just because something has done been done before, doesn't mean you can't do it again. It worked once, it might work again.
This whole "avoidance of cliche" thing is well-meant, and should be given careful consideration, but sometimes the premise works no other way. Anytime I read someone say, "ooh, that's cliche," I think... So? Heck, EVERYTHING has been done before probably. You can't really avoid it, and if you try to avoid it, you'll still do something that someone else did once or a thousand times . You can only write your own unique version of a story, in your voice, in your words.
So... where am I?
Right. Stop changing your darn story! And if you do change it, make sure it's because YOU want to change it.
posted
Well, shoot . . . I hate being put on the spot. (But I love the compliments.)
First off, I agree with HSO's last post. You'll just wind up spinning your wheels.
Second, yeah, I do think that you want to start out with a conflict situation. I don't mean knives flashing and infants screaming, but something to push us to take sides, right away. As it is, we're getting the form of a story without any story there. That sounds harsh--I don't mean that there IS no story, but that the reader can't see it yet. YOU know it, and YOU can see how these events are an integral part of it. But WE can't. So that's why (in a few weeks, when you've had time to think about everyone's comments and gain sufficient distance) I think you might want to start later, when this encounter begins to become threatening, perhaps. Or invent a small conflict which can get us to that point.
Conflict isn't an absolute requirement, by the way. If you're REALLY good with character, you can carry us a long way just with clever character interaction (although that's really a type of conflict, too). Or if you're a GREAT stylist, you can immerse us in your fascinating and unusual handling of the language, for at least a while. I'm not either of those things, and I know very few authors who are. So I wouldn't recommend going that route.
Ask yourself, what makes this beginning interesting to you? What is it about the direction it's taking us that made you want to start here? Once you've got the answer, figure out how to make the READER aware of that factor in your first thirteen lines.
quote:Ask yourself, what makes this beginning interesting to you? What is it about the direction it's taking us that made you want to start here? Once you've got the answer, figure out how to make the READER aware of that factor in your first thirteen lines.
I think that's what I was trying to get at when I was suggesting that this opening felt like exposition. It's not that the information was unimportant, but that I couldn't see the importance. More importantly, and this is a subtle thing, it was reported as fact relating to your character, rather than being generated by your character's actions and thoughts. (Ugh. That sentence is almost meaningless.)
Perhaps an example:
quote:Sandy had gotten up early to deal with the dogs. It was affecting her perfomance in the marathon. She could not focus on keeping up with the runners around her as the marathon wore on. Her brain felt as tired as her legs, and her thoughts wandered.
quote:Sandy struggled to keep up with the runners around her as the marathon wore on. Her brain felt as tired as her legs. The sleep she lost by getting early to deal with the dogs seemed to drag her to the back of the pack. She tried to focus on the run, but her thoughts wandered.
Although imperfect, I hope it does a better job than my convoluted sentence of showing what I'm talking about.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 20, 2005).]
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