Averil had put on two layers of wool jumpers, a scarf, hat, gloves, leather jacket, petticoats and a wool skirt, and the cold still managed to stick its sharp little fingers into her bones till they ached. Walking to the village, bah it was always such a chore. The road down to the village was steep and shod with rough coarse stones. Her boots never felt like they gripped properly.

“ If I fall over – as usual – I’ll have to handle comments all day”
Oh Averil still haven’t learnt how to walk yet? Stay off the drink eh Averil hehehehe.
Idiots
Had she remembered to put on tidy underwear? Oh gods imagine what they would say if she was wearing her old faithfuls. At the thought of that she felt her courage run and hide.

Averil tried to look as though she was striding confidently.
Stomp went her left foot.
“I am a proud confident woman”.
Stomp went her right foot,
“I am not intimidated by anyone”.
Positive visualisation that was the key.

[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 02, 2005).]

I rather liked there character talking back to the situation. Seems as though these comebacks might be more internal rather than spoken, in which case italics would be a better choice than quotes.

Some tweaking points: ‘had put on’ is a weaker construction; ‘wore’ would work better. Similarly with the second sentence: a dash would probably punctuate Averil’s thoughts better and give the ‘bah’ a good, well, bah, and remove the vague ‘it.’ ‘Walking to the village – bah – was always such a chore.’ The third sentence could stand as is with a comma between the two adjectives, ‘rough’ and ‘coarse.’ When ‘her’ comes in, we’re too far away from Averil so there’s a foolish inclination to think ‘her’ belongs to ‘road,’ so name the pronoun instead: ‘Averil’s.’ However, that sentence leaves me hanging and seems like it’s out of place. You might add something to better tie it in with the preceding sentence. Plus, the ‘never felt’ would be more immediate if she 'felt' in the present.

I’d italicize Averil’s thoughts, as well. Keep that whole second paragraph together, from ‘If’ to ‘hide’ (I’m not sure how you meant it the way it’s presented here.). Commas after ‘Oh,’ ‘drink’ and ‘eh.’ Question mark after ‘Averil, ‘ then capitalize the first ‘h’ in the series of ‘he’s.’ Period after ‘Idiots.’ ‘Oh gods imagine’ could be ‘Oh, gods imagine’ or ‘Oh, gods, imagine.’

Last paragraph: I think it’s ‘were’ rather than ‘was,’ but this type of construction is my bugaboo. Again, keep all of this paragraph together on the same continuous line, with automatic line breaks, not line breaks as they are here. Italicize Averil's words to herself, unless she’s actually speaking them aloud, in which case, it would help to say so.

Don’t let all that fool you. It just takes a lot of words to note simple suggestions. I am drawn into the character and am rooting for her. I like the writing style. As GZ noted, the setting needs clarification. All in all, not bad.

There is, however, a lot to nitpick over. The punctuation in this fragment needs lots of attention. At the moment, I'm feeling too lazy to point them out, but I know someone will eventually. It doesn't matter how interesting your story is, if the punctuation is atrocious, it makes it nearly unreadable.

Another thing: Aren't rough and coarse synonyms? I suggest keeping one of them, cutting the other.

Consider reordering the list of clothes so that we can see her dressing for that occasion. Start with the first things she puts on and then work your outward until she's fully dressed. In other words, scarf and gloves should come last, I feel.

Good luck.

Let's take it line by line, shall we? I'll only pull apart the lines that need help.

"Walking to the village, bah it was always such a chore." I think someone mentioned this before, but it would be best here if you separated the "bah" by dashes. The way you've got it now is bordering on a comma splice (it isn't, but it's trying to be one).

"The road down to the village was steep and shod with rough coarse stones." Only problem here (aside from the rough/coarse thing that HSO pointed out) is that you could use a comma after "steep." It's not necessary, but I think it would help things flow better.

"If I fall over – as usual – I’ll have to handle comments all day" You want a period at the end of this sentence, and I want to know if she's muttering to herself (I can see this character doing that) or if she's thinking it. If she is thinking it, you should italicize it to avoid confusion.

"Oh Averil still haven’t learnt how to walk yet?" Commas after "Oh" and "Averil" are needed. Also, maybe replace "learnt" with "learned" unless you're introducing us to a bit of slang here (though, as HSO points out below, that's up to you).

"Stay off the drink eh Averil hehehehe." You need a comma after "drink" and one after "eh." What I would do after that is put a question mark after Averil, and then just mention the laughter, not actually write it out. As in: "Stay off the drink, eh, Averil? And then they'd laugh as if that was some amazingly witty comment."

"Idiots" needs a period at the end of the sentence, but I like the effect it gives to have this word as its own paragraph.

"Oh gods imagine what they would say if she was wearing her old faithfuls." You need commas after "oh" and "gods."

"At the thought of that she felt her courage run and hide." For clarification, I'd put a comma after "that," but it isn't absolutely necessary.

"Stomp went her right foot," For consistency's sake, change that comma into a period.

"Positive visualisation that was the key." You need a comma after "visualisation." Although I agree with others in that the term "positive visualisation" is rather modern for the feeling you're giving us here. What you change it to will have a lot to do with your character, but the thing that came to my mind first was "thinking happy" or "thinking good."

That about does it! This is a very strong beginning, and it will be interesting to see where you take it.

Good luck!

There are many words where an "t" substitutes easily for an "-ed". Spelled, spelt; leaned, leant -- are just two examples.

Limo, if I recall correctly, is from New Zealand, where "learnt" is more commonly used than "learned"; just like in the UK and Australia (perhaps).

I'm not picking on you, Jaina... but some of my crits have come back with "use 'leaned' instead of 'leant'". To which, I usually sent back a reply saying: "I'll use any darn word I want, thank you." (okay, I never said those words.)

quote:

---

American editors are much more likely to prefer "learned."

---

Are they? Would they really, now? I think if they saw a manuscript was coming from overseas (a big clue is the internation reply coupons that come with the manuscript), they would consider the slight differences in language trivial. Perhaps, they might use their editorial prowess and change the word to suit American tastes, but I don't think they'll reject a manuscript because the UK or whoever conjugates with a "T" rather than an "ed".

I could be wrong, though -- I'm not an editor. And I do know they are looking for any reason to reject a manuscript -- so there may be some validity to it. But if my manuscript was rejected for that, I'd probably not consider that editor competent. I can imagine the rejection letter now: "Good story, got hung up over the "learnt" thing, though. Sorry."

(see, Jaina, I told you that I've got my eye on you.... .... ... )

Then again, I'm just starting, and I don't have much experience with editors at all, so don't take my word as fact about that. Just my humble opinion.

Grammar/punctuation is my nemesis, unfortuantely I tend to write how I speak and I read too much poetry which tends to mess with the punctuation part of your brain. So be as grammer nazish as you wish!

HSO is correct, down in this part of the world learnt is correct English, learned is BAAAAD so you may have to deal with that in my writing here. After reading the battle of spelling between HSO and Jaina I write: "if you think its is an important publishing issue I'll changed it afterall - but I really don't like to. I'm very stubborn".

Also while I know it is traditional accepted practice to italicise thoughts - I can't I'm sorry - I spend a couple of years working as a designer and you learn that ITALICS ARE BAD people overlook them, don't read them clearly or properly...I can do other fonts if that would make it easier but aesthetically italics make me nauseous...sorry (smiles hopefully and offers chocolates, flowers and delicious cookies). Otherwise will name my first born after all of you (poor thing) if you continue to hassle me about grammar/punctuation. Anyhow revised version coming up...p.s setting and reason are after these first lines, should they be earlier?

Averil wore petticoats and a wool skirt, two layers of wool jumpers, a leather jacket, a scarf, hat, and gloves and the cold still managed to stick its sharp little fingers into her bones till they ached. Walking to the village – bah - was always such a chore. The road down to the village was steep, and shod with rough loose stones. Averil’s boots felt like they never gripped the road properly, she regularly slid all the way down the hill.

“ If I fall over – as usual – I’ll have to handle the comments all day”, she muttered this under her breath, then cringed, imagining the remarks. Oh, Averil still haven’t learnt how to walk yet? Stay off the drink, eh Averil, hehehehe. Idiots! Had she remembered to put on tidy underwear? Oh, gods imagine what they would say if she were wearing her old faithfuls. At the thought of that Averil felt her courage run and hide.

Averil tossed those thoughts aside, straightened her shoulders and tried to look as though she was striding confidently. Stomp went her left foot. “I am a proud confident woman”. Stomp went her right foot, “I am not intimidated by anyone”. Averil’s foot slipped and she almost fell. “All right mountain”, she whispered, “you intimidate me”. Reminded of how unfriendly the mountain was towards her she started taking very small careful steps, pride be damned.

[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 02, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 02, 2005).]

"all right," please, not "alright."

DOES IT BEGIN TOO MUCH IN THE MIDDLE? - No, it is probably at the right point as long as the conflict is introduced soon.

DO YOU FEEL ANY CONNECTION WITH CHARACTER? - A bit. She seems rather young. In my mind she 6-8 years old. A settled on this age range because she is worried about what her peers will say if she falls. I can connect with her, but hope that her story focuses on situations and conflicts that are engaging to the adult mind.

DOES IT NEED MORE DESCRIPTION? I don't think so. I have an image of a cold environment, mountains, steep rocky inclines. Since she is wearing wool and leather I'm thinking it is a farming or herding environment. Right now, I'm picturing something along the lines of Heidi.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN READING MORE? Yes, as long as the conflict and situations are interesting to an adult, versus being interesting for a YA audience.

One problem I had with her logic - If I was walking down a really steep, rocky incline, and I was afraid of falling, I would be more concerned with injury then with the state of my undergarments.

How nice to have someone at Hatrack that can look out on the Tasman Sea too. (I'm from Tasmania).

I read it and liked it very much, then read HSOs post and reread it with a New Zealand accent and it was even better. Maybe give us some fush 'n' chups to help us along... (okay, okay I can hear you saying 'under-arm bowl' from here) My wife is from Auckland BTW.

I enjoyed the character's voice and would like to read more if you don't mind.

Be warned, the americanisms around here can drive you crazy but the other stuff makes putting up with it worth it. Oh and don't mention the war...

[This message has been edited by hoptoad to include a cute eek-face to ensure people understand that it is meant as a joke.]

[This message has been edited by hoptoad to include the word eek-face because I think it's a cool new word that I will teach my kids.]

BTW was the analogy of the slippery slope deliberate?

BTW2: 'Alright' is cool. Okay less so. Remember the Traveling Wilburies... well it's alright so long as you have some to rant at, well it alllllright so long as you don't care too much....

A little advice if you're interested. Don't go off and rewrite everything, let the comments settle in your mind and when they do, the ones that serve to improve your story will be more obvious.

Kids these days, with their slang. why, in my day -

Its quite a good word to quickly some up feelings as well without resulting in a curse.

Maybe that's one of the reasons its appearing in games and stuff on the net. All the decent curse words are banned and you just get £$%$£ instead.

[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 05, 2005).]

I also like the following words, probably because they begin with P: Pah, Pish, Pthbb, and Phhh.

However, all these words do remind me of Penelope Keith in To the manor born. Or something you might hear on Monarch of the Glen.

Bah! always reminds me of stifled laughter, like you want to say "bah hah hah!" Interesting how 'sounds' written into a story can mean such different things to different readers.

So when I read Bah! I thought it was a good-natured, dismissive, roll-of-the-eyes kind of word.

Anyway I have finished first drafts of that tale if anyone would care to read it. I and am going on to finish this story now that I am on holiday, but I am at a quandry because it reminds me too much of another story I have read.

Any brave volunteers for the second tale will be gratefully accepted, there will be no reward except that which comes from noble scarifice and suffering ... all very character building.

please?

[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 17, 2005).]

Actually I may go through this one with a fine tooth grammatical comb and see if I can't get rid of any obvious errors. Very strange 5 years of latin and no grammatical ability whatsoever. I blame it on medieval english at university.

This tale which I am finishing now looks to be about 4K at the moment but the punctuation and grammer will be bad (health warning) so I may reread it with my grammar dictionary in hand.

Oh I knew about shod and it was deliberate. I like the way it sounds and the subtle personification iit allows.

I'll do all the checking and finish it off on tuesday which is good because we're a day ahead and 7 hours behind you so I have extra time.