posted
A couple months ago I posted the prologue to my book for all sorts of hacking an slashing. Everyone's feedback gave me an overload of ideas to work with; so many that I set the chapter aside to gain some distance.
Anyway, I think I've finally come up with something worth posting. Here's the first thirteen lines. Do your worst to make me my best.
“What’s your name?” Sola asked the boy sitting on the swing.
He looked up at her, “Who wants ta know?”
“I’m Sola – I mean I am The-One-Who-is-Half. You and I have a task to do. Now, what is your name?” She took a step forward and squatted down in front of the child. The more he told her about himself the better chance she had of finding him again.
“Papa told me never to tell my name to no strangers, so there,” he stuck his tongue out and blew spit on her face.
Sola couldn’t understand the child’s opposition. She had made countless attempts to find him and failed, but this time he had called to her. She had flung her consciousness backwards through time itself to heed that call and now he sat on that infernal toy being obstinate. They did not have time for this.
How long is it? Are you looking for readers on the rest?
I'm usually willing to do around 3000 words. Give or take. Send it if you want to.
quote:The more he told her about himself the better chance she had of finding him again.
I have to say, though, that this line threw me. I couldn't figure out what it meant. Hadn't she just found him? Why would she need to find him again? Wait for this until you can take the time to explain it. And this point, IMO, is not the time.
I'd also kinda like to have some hint of HOW he called her.
I also think you could stand for just a BIT more scene setting right up front--some scenery to draw me in, some little hints of who/what Sola is (some kind of characterization).
posted
That line didn't throw me. Actually, I liked it all except for the little bastard. Hopefully he doesn't need to be sympathetic through the novel because I already want to see him trip and knock out all his teeth on the seesaw.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
This is interesting. It is sparse as far as the setting. We might presume the boy is in a playground or maybe a backyard? But where and when? Also when I read that she had sent her consciousness back through time I wondered how her body seemed to be there. Perhaps this is answered later? The first 13 lines certainly beg a lot of questions; I have to admit I'm curious. I personally wouldn't refer to a swing as a toy, but maybe Sola would.
Posts: 150 | Registered: May 2005
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The only problem that I have with it is the last line is that the last line is a real cliffhanger, and makes it seem like some sort of blurb on the back of the book.
posted
I'm hooked to. (And I didn't like the previous version at all.) What suggestions I have: -- “What’s your name?” Sola asked the boy sitting on the swing.
He looked up at her, “Who wants ta know [HOW ELSE WOULD YOU PRONOUNCE "TO KNOW"? I'D GO WITH STANDARD SPELLING]?”
“I’m Sola – I mean I am The-One-Who-is-Half. You and I have a task to do. Now, what is your name?” She took a step forward and squatted down in front of the child. The more he told her about himself the better chance she had of finding him again. [GOOD HOOK.]
“Papa told me never to tell my name to no strangers, so there,” he stuck his tongue out and blew spit on her face. [SEE STRUNK AND WHITE ONLINE FOR DETAILS ON WHERE TO USE COMMAS. I AGREE: THIS KID'S A BRAT AND I WANT HIM SWATTED.]
Sola couldn’t understand the child’s opposition. She had made countless attempts to find him and failed, but this time he had called to her. She had flung her consciousness backwards through time itself to heed that call and now he sat on that infernal toy being obstinate. They did not have time for this.
They had a universe to destroy. [ANOTHER GOOD HOOK]
posted
Thanks for the feedback. I'll send out copies to all of you. I purposefully left the environment sparce in this chapter. Hopefully all of you will understand my reasoning for this by the end of it, otherwise I haven't done my job properly.
For WBriggs: Glad you liked my changes. Your previous comments helped out alot.
Also, I found an amazing book that gave me a fresh perspective on writing called "Beginnings, Middles and Ends." I highly recommend it to anyone who needs a recharge.
posted
I can't offer to read right now because of rolling time shortages, but I wanted to chime in here to say that this is an excellent hook. If I but had the time, I would love to keep reading. Maybe another portion, maybe another time, and maybe I'll see it on a bookstore shelf and just have to buy it. Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
This looks good, though I still don't like "The-One-Who-is-Half" bit (not least because it's a pain to type ). You could do a better job with Sola, instead of letting the fact that she's there to destroy the universe establish her character by itself.
If you're doing something where he's locked himself in a delusion or something like that, this opening might be cheating a bit. Only a bit so far, though. And I don't really think you're doing that anyway.
I'll try your opening. But if I don't get to the end of the chapter, it's not my fault
posted
To those of you who I have sent drafts to, thank you for your time. I've looked through the comments from all of you and found some intrinsic clarity issues. I have since done edits that hopefully clear up the issue. Here's the new opening. I hope it clears up any confusion.
“What’s your name?” Sola asked the boy sitting on the swing. The child was only a subconscious figment of the man’s mind she had entered, but would hopefully serve as an important messenger between them.
He looked up at her, “Who wants to know?”
“I’m Sola – I mean I am The-One-Who-is-Half. You and I have a task to do. Now, what is your name?” She took a step forward and squatted down on the sand in front of the child. She needed to build a relationship with his subconscious and names seemed like a good place to start.
“Papa told me never to tell my name to no strangers. So there,” he stuck his tongue out and blew spit on her face. Sola couldn’t understand the child’s obstinacy. She had flung her consciousness backwards through time itself because he had finally called to her in a dream. They did not have time for spats.
posted
This is much clearer. The only line that bothers me is the line of dialogue " I am Sola, I mean I am..." To me it reads like a robot, not like a real person. This could be intentional if it isn't you might concider cutting " I mean I am". This would make it read quicker and sound more like a real speaking voice. I also don't think you need the word " subconscious" , the idea is still clear without it.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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You've increased the clarity...but you're now further away from Sola and the boy on the swing. Hmmm...
This is why I always advise against opening with a line of dialogue. Opening with dialogue assumes that nothing else needs to be mentioned first, and for some reason that's almost never the case when someone opens with a line of dialogue.
In this case, we need to know that Sola knows she's in a dream and that she knows that the child is not the actual person she's come there to see. You patch that information in after she says the line, so it takes place in the wrong context.
It also puts you on the "defensive" to be coming up with explanations for a character's actions after they do things. It's anti-climactic. Normally, you want the reader to be wondering how the character will respond to a situation, then deliver the response. In this case, you deliver the response, then explain that it was in response to a situation that we wouldn't normally guess at.
Worse, your clarifications calls the "hook" line into real confusion. Before, we were encouraged to wonder what that might mean. Now...it feels more like "so which does it mean?" That's just me.
I suppose that I felt like the previous version had a somewhat confident coyness to it (which, though we all hate to admit it, does work sometimes). This version has lost the confident feeling and thus seems genuinely confused rather than coy.
I should probably read a larger chunk of your chapter and get a feel for your style and story before I start worrying that this version of the opening is suffering from "overcorrection syndrome". But I'll understand if you'd rather forgo the beating for now.
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). You could do a better job with Sola, instead of letting the fact that she's there to destroy the universe establish her character by itself.
