posted
This story has a little bit of language and is a bit on the nasty side. I'd like some crits on the whole thing if possible, it is pretty short.
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“Come on now, Jone, be reasonable.” Merk tried to keep his voice even, the rope ready in his hands. His wife, Jone, clung to the rock wall on the other side of their small cell, watching him warily. After all they had been through together, like the time they stole that viridian coronation robe on Vauxhall 5, you’d think she would trust him. Women sure were fickle.
“Stay away from me, you b**t*rd!” She ducked away when he lunged for her.
“Now, is that any way to talk to your husband? I’ve tried to explain. You know it has to be this way.” Merk kept his tone calm. No reason to let a little disagreement escalate into unpleasantness. Sooner or later, she’d come around. Or he’d catch her.
“You’re insane, Merk. You’ve totally lost it.” He could hear the fear in her voice, that must be why she was exaggerating so. Jone knew he wanted only the best for both of them.
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited May 03, 2005).]
My thought so far: the guy can hear the fear in his wife's voice, but I can't. I just hear anger. Let her cower, or cry, or hold an ineffective weapon in front of her in a trembling hand, or something. She could plead with him to leave her alone. These would communicate fear to me.
posted
Looks like you've got a bunch of readers. I'll take a look.. or I'll take a look at the revision, if you want.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Looks like you've got enough for now. I'll read if you really want more, or you can put me on the list for the next version.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Beth and Rahl, you're on the list for the next go-round. If it is okay, I'll just send it to you when I'm ready. Everyone else, I sent it to you. Thanks.
I'm good for now, I may ask again on the next pass, but then again I may not need to.
posted
I liked the story, just the right depth about the monsters, i dont know if you can but my thougts are to put in a little talk about where merk heard the last words he thought. Dont have to but i think its do able.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2005
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