posted
This is a very rough draft. I'm looking for people to read the whole thing and, because it's still a very rough draft, I don't want an in-depth critique. I just want to know if the characters and plot are believable and that the beginning is a decent hook. Oh, and that the story itself is basically sound (no "Huh?" at the end). It's supernatural/fantasy and it's about 3,000 words by Word's count.
And, just so you know, this is for The First Line. I've decided to try entering.
***
Having little to his name when he died, the reading of Henry Fromm's will went quickly. His younger sister, Beth, watched with that detachment peculiar to young children as each of the relatives walked back to their cars with the few possessions remaining, complaining all the while that it was a shame that such a nice young man should be taken out of the world before he could restore the family's fortune. Beth thought it was a shame as well, but not because of his age or his lack of business skills. Henry had been the best brother in the world, and the only person left in her family that treated her with any kindness.
"Bethany?" Aunt Louisa's shrill voice made Beth wince and she turned quickly from the living room window.
posted
Hmm... well, I wasn't hooked. Beyond wondering why someone who is seemingly rather young is now among the dearly departed, I really have nothing to make me want to continue reading. Care to hint a bit more at what is to come?
This is going to be a really busy weekend for me, Keeley, so I won't offer to read. I'd love to see it on the next go-round, though.
Susan
[This message has been edited by shadowynd (edited May 20, 2005).]
posted
There seems to be a big POV violation at the start. I think it might be better to start with Beth's POV. Would she recognise her state as being detachment.
I'm not going to be around to read email until Tues, but it you want another then just send it my way. Usual fee + commission
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