posted
As I memention in my intro post here is the first few lines to my fantasy short story. I am looking to see how people feel about this as a hook. Also, it is less than 13 lines, as 13 puts me in the middle of a paragraph. At this time the story is about 1500 words, but should finish at about 7000 to 8000. As long as I stick to my outline.
*** It was hard to breathe. Something rough was covering her mouth. Sleep made her head swim, but she dared not open her eyes to see what was pressed against her. She began to whimper, this must be a nightmare.
“Hush child,” a low voice whispered against her cheek. “We must leave quickly and if you fight with us, we will surely all die.” The voice was insistent, but not unkind. “The storm is here, my Lady, and we must get you to safety!” ***
I'll start by roughing up your first paragraph. Normally, I would advocate switching the first two sentences, because the rough thing is what is making it difficult to breath, but in this case I like that it makes me become aware of things as she does. The tricky thing, for me, is that I don't have any idea who is having trouble breathing. So if you can give me a character name, that would be nice.
You also might want to reconsider the last sentence of the first paragraph, because it's a comma splice. Now, this is a personal qualm, but "this must be a nightmare" seems out of keeping with her fear of opening her eyes to see what was pressing against her. Either she thinks something is there, or she thinks she's asleep but trying to do both makes my head swim.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 25, 2005).]
quote:Sleep made her head swim, but she dared not open her eyes to see what was pressed against her.
For me, the phrase "Sleep made her head swim" made no sense. It dragged be out of the story, as it seemed that something OUTSIDE was the cause of distress. I'd have to agree with Mary on this.
Also for the comma splice, as well, but that could easily be fixed by a semi-colon instead.
You mention that something 'rough' was covering her mouth. I'm hoping that you tell us what it is in the following passage. Since you say "The voice was insistent, but not unkind", I'm wondering why someone who *seemingly* cares for her would be covering her mouth and what is the 'rough' thing s/he is using.
quote: "We must leave quickly and if you fight with us, we will surely all die.”
I was also pulled out by this sentence and had to re-read. I'm not sure, but I think it's just the flow. I would suggest either "...we will all surely die" or drop the ALL entirely, leaving "we will surely die."
As for not having a name yet, I sort of like that hook. She's referred to as "my Lady" (capitol L), so I'm assuming that she's someone of importance. Since she's also referred to as "child", this makes me wonder. Of course, I'd want to find out who she is and why she's so important fairly quickly.
That's just my perceptions!
[This message has been edited by Ahavah (edited May 25, 2005).]
posted
Hi, it reads to me as if you are mixing viewpoint.
'She began to whimper' to me is clearly third person whereas, 'this must be a nightmare' is first person. This isn't the only example.
I thought the first line 'It was hard to breathe' was great, simlpe but I immediately wanted to know why. That statement though is first person the the next sentence switches to third person and straight away grated on me.
Opening with someone in mortal danger though is always a good 'hook' for me.
[This message has been edited by Eddy Gemmell (edited May 25, 2005).]
posted
Well...not necessarily. It isn't inherently bad, but I've seen a lot of stories where it certainly wasn't good.
On not giving a name, there are ways to do this, and ways not to do this. If the first (and all subsequent) reference to the POV character is a pronoun, this is grammatically incorrect and is almost always wrong. Also, withholding the name of the POV character is almost always one of those basic writing mistakes anyway. There are a few ways to effectively build to a name, but usually you don't have time for that kind of game in a short story.
"Sleep made her head swim," is a trifle unusual, though I got your meaning clearly enough (if you meant that she was a bit groggy and still didn't have her bearings straight). It didn't come across as particularly expressive or poetic, though.
This must be a nightmare. There are a variety of schools of thought on these mental quotes. Italics have become standard for the most part, and keeping such quotes short and "realistic" (that is, limiting them to quotable, subvocalized thoughts) goes along with that. Card often has characters that lapse into inner monologue at the drop of a hat, so he uses whichever style suits him at the moment. The chief problem you might have is that the sentence structure you use could lead some readers to believe that "this must be a nightmare" was what she was whimpering.
Your last paragraph is the most interesting. The dialogue is pretty good, and for that I'd be willing to turn the page. Your descriptors don't seem well thought out, though. I think that you meant "murmured" rather than "whispered". And "insistent, but not unkind" is a bit too abstract, not sensory enough.
Overall, I'd say that while I might be worried that you won't be able to develop this kind of opening really well in a short story, I'd be interested enough to keep reading. This opening seems to promise that whatshername will be getting to know mrnotunkind and the story will be about how her preconceptions about the people that serve her will be overturned etc. etc.. That wouldn't usually fit into a short story without being made a bit trite, and it might not be where you're going with this story. That might be a problem, getting people to read the story is no good if they end up hating it. But that's as may be.
posted
What I can add: a quibble about the voice being insistent but not unkind. I take this as a message from the author: "the owner of this voice is a good guy." Maybe this is because I don't know how she could tell that the voice was not unkind.
Rather than closing off doubt (is this person to be trusted?) -- why not leave the question open? This gives us more tension -- we now have 2 possible dangers -- the kidnapper, and the thing the kidnapper says he's saving her from -- and that's a good thing!
posted
Thank you all who have posted already. I like almost all of your points and have done some rewriting. What I have now is 13 lines. I am wondering if it would work as a better hook for any of you. It seemed that only a couple of people would be willing to continue past the first few lines.
**** Kaitlin awoke struggling for a breath. Something rough was covering her mouth and sleep addled her mind. What was happening? Please let this be a nightmare, she prayed.
Fear of knowing kept her eyes shut from the light. Seeing reveals the truth. Her thoughts tumbled over each other fight… run… she picked a third option and began to whimper.
“Hush child,” a man spoke gently to her; his breath was warm on her cheek. “We must get you out of here, and if you struggle, we will surely die.” The voice was insistent. “The storm is here, my Lady, and we must get you to safety!” ****
posted
This does work better, for me at least. One interesting effect, spending more time on Kaitlin's thoughts puts her abductor in a subordinate role for now. He's important to what's happening, but the story isn't necessarily about him anymore.
By the way, are you looking for readers or just getting feedback on the opening?
posted
I will be looking for readers, probably Sunday. I want to get a bit more done on the story. I was really looking to get my feet wet, and see if I could even generate any interest. Thanks Survivor.
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