posted
This is just the start. I've been working on this for the past few days. Give me some feedback, please, and if you would like to read on I would be more than happy to e-mail what I've got so far. -------------------------------------------- Guy woke up that sunny Saturday afternoon with a pain in his right shoulder and a searing headache right between his eyebrows. He stared at the cieling for a moment before sitting up. He pushed himself up by his left arm and folded his legs. He was sitting on a couch, a peculiarly beautiful tan, suade couch. Guy took another look around the room before lying back down on the couch. He lay, starring at the cieling once again before he sat up and gave the room another glance. Where was he? He had absolutely no idea.
[This message has been edited by Gunslinger (edited June 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Gunslinger (edited June 07, 2005).]
posted
Nothing's hooking me yet. I hate it when somebody tells me, "that's been done before" -- what hasn't? -- but I see their point: if you're going to do something that's been done before, add something to spice it up. Guy wakes up and doesn't know where he is. It's happened a lot in stories. I need more to get me interested. Maybe there's some interesting clue in the room you could show -- and start there, perhaps.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
You also have a minor style glitch, in that almost every sentance starts with "Guy" or "He" and has a structure similar to every other sentance. In a sense that's good, because it means that you're concentrating on Guy. But it's also bad, because you don't want to focus on a main point till it becomes the only point. That causes it to lose it's place as a main point.
A minor point, when I wake up with no idea where I am I certainly have little clue what day it is. Also, "peculiarly beautiful" seems like it should mean something, but it doesn't. Just saying that the couch was tan suade and still beautiful rather than horrible tells us more.
More significantly, you take a good long while in terms of both text and story action to let us know what Guy is thinking, and then we don't get much. It is possible to read this up to the last line without catching on to the fact that Guy is in an unfamiliar setting. Whether or not it's supposed to be some form of "objective" narration, it reads a bit like it . Even the last line gets tainted, despite being clearly about the character's internal action. You're only telling us one thing about what's going on in his head...and it's that a certain bit of information is not in his head right now.
Anyway, this is my number one rant, so I'll cut this one short and assume you can find the rest somewhere. Mostly I'm just suggesting a way you can "spice it up."
posted
So...Guy wakes up, sees a bunch of stuff, and then wonders where he is. That kind of sounds like my mornings. >_> <_< Anyway, my point is that I don't really see anything here that draws me in. I need some more...intrigue or mystery to get me wondering about what's happening to this character, what's going on around him.
Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Ok...I've made a few changes and i lengthened it a bit. --------------------------------------------- Guy woke up that sunny Saturday afternoon with a pain in his right shoulder and a searing headache right between his eyebrows. He stared at the ceiling for a moment before sitting up. He pushed himself up by his left arm and folded his legs. He was sitting on a couch, a peculiarly beautiful tan, suade couch. Guy took another look around the room before lying back down on the couch. He lay, starring at the ceiling once again before sitting up and giving the room another glance. Where was he? He had absolutely no idea. What was his name? He did not know. He laid back down again and closed his eyes, believing this to be a mere dream, but it wasn't, it was real. After realizing that this was no dream, guy stood up next to the couch and tried to remember something, anything about how he had gotten there. he looked at every piece of furniture, but couldn't remember anything. the coffee table added a nice touch to the room, he thought. He glanced out the window to see a great turquoise lake surrounded by trees. He walked to the window taking slow, short strides. He was in a sort of cabin. In the woods maybe? There were no other houses in site, only trees and water. He looked around for a front door. Strange, he thought, this room should have a front door. He circled the room looking for a door, but there were none. He could not recall ever seeing a house without a door. How did he get in here then? He sat back down on the couch, his head spinning with thoughts. --------------------------------------------- Ok, I think I'm breaking the 13 line rule, sorry. Another thing, am I supposed to put his thoughts in quotations?
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
No, quotes are for dialogue. And you don't need them anyway.
The amnesia thing has been done...better. Honestly, the first time I read this, I totally missed the fact that he didn't remember his own name, First, because I already thought his name was "Guy", and second, because he doesn't think about it after he notices it. That makes it seem totally unimportant. Like everything else.
A sense of import is developed from our investment in the story, what we--as an audience--are led to desire or fear happening. There are a variety of ways to get the reader to care about the story, and this text doesn't seem to use any of them.
For an amnesiac point of view, you have a couple of options. The best is to have it be a character we already know (well) from earlier chapters in the story. That avoids the dreaded unreferenced pronoun error, and we already care about the character by the time we get that far in the story (overall, we're probably relieved to find out that the character is still alive, even while being alarmed by the amnesia, which might jeopardize other things we care about).
If you're commited to opening with an amnesiac character, then you probably have to use deep penetration/stream of consciousness up to the point at which your character realizes that he doesn't remember his own name. How you resolve the POV thereafter is up to the character. And you'll just have to accept that most people have a hard time getting into a text that opens with an amnesiac POV.
posted
Sorry if you think that I may be pushing this little story to it's limit but I am a mere teenager just trying to better my writing skills. I have rewritten it and am asking for more critique. Thank you. --------------------------------------------- A dozen newspapers sat on the front porch of the cabin, the paperboy had quit coming after noticing that the only things interested in the paper were the raccoons that tore it to shreds on a daily basis. The trees swayed back in forth and the waves of the lake hit the dock as the sun crept up above the trees and day commenced.
Guy woke up on an unfamiliar couch with a splitting headache directly between his eyebrows. He sat up and folded his legs as he glanced out the window at the beautiful, turquoise lake. A few ducks were fighting over a piece of bread that somebody had thrown in to them.
Guy glanced around at the foreign room that he was residing in. he got up and walked to the mirror on the wall to the side of him. He looked in the mirror and could not recall ever seeing this face before. It wasn’t his…was it? The cabin, the lake, and his face were all completely alien. Even his own name he could not remember.
posted
My thought is that all the descriptive detail is not only unimportant, it's getting in the way of what you are trying to say. Who cares about ducks or the color of the lake at this point? Unless you are going to USE that information right away to progress the plot, I'd suggest you drop it. It's distracting.
The point to focus on is: what does waking up with no memories do to this Guy's emotions? Is he confused? Is he afraid? The description you need to focus on is his emotional state upon discovering he's lost his memories. Emotions, not ducks, will hook us in.
quote:Sorry if you think that I may be pushing this little story to it's limit but I am a mere teenager just trying to better my writing skills. I have rewritten it and am asking for more critique.
One more comment: You will find that those of us on Hatrack trust, and respect, that everyone here is seeking to improve their writing skills. Thus there are no punches pulled during the critique. We won't soft-peddle it, we won't dance around it. We've all learned to check our egos at the door. You don't need to apologize for anything, sweetie. Just be aware that one of the hazards of playing with the big dogs is that no one is going to be treating you like a pup. Our critiques are made for the purpose of helping you write, and we can't do our job if we aren't plain-spoken about what works and what doesn't.
There is a difference between critique and criticism. Critiques are professional and only related to your writing with an intention of helping you identify flaws and improve your skills. Criticisms of a personal nature, negativity, meanness - saying things intended to hurt someone's feelings - these things are not tolerated here.
Critiques might FEEL like criticism, but you have to get clear between the two. Remind yourself: "This isn't personal. This is someone's best effort to help me improve my writing skills."
We're glad you are taking the steps you need to become a better writer! I sure wish I had of had the courage to do this sort of thing when I was your age!
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