posted
First 13 lines of SF short I'm working on. Please comment on this segment. Is anything awkward? Would you keep reading? Any and all comments greatly appreciated.
___________________________________________ The setting sun immersed the tower’s apical chamber in brilliant light. Sara caught herself staring at David but still allowed her eyes to numb with hypnotic comfort. David stood at the eastern window, flooded by light that haloed his white robe. She couldn’t stop staring, it was easier when she knew him to be god and she wished he had never told her he wasn’t. Twenty years of devotion--an utter waste. Fighting the urge to bow her head in supplication she walked to the opposite window and dimmed it to a dark amber.
In the distance she could see a raven carving its path across the sky, a lonely speck of darkness against the crisp backdrop of the Aba Mountains. Despite the omen... ____________________________________________
However, I do like the apparent sexual tension that's going on here. I like the fact that you're doing a good job of conveying Sara's hurt feelings.
The biggest problem, I think, is that in these seven sentences there are an abundance of new concepts introduced with little or no explanation. I think you're trying to leap into this a little too quickly. We have:
1. A tower chamber. Where is it? Is there someone in it? 2. Sara. Is she in the tower? What is she doing there? 3. David. Is HE in the tower? Who is he to Sara? 4. The eastern window. Is this window somehow significant? Is IT in the tower? 5. White robe. Is this significant in some way? Why is he wearing it? 6. ...when she knew him to be a god. David is a god? Sara has known him for a long time. What's changed? How did it happen? Why did he tell her he wasn't a god? Why did Sara ever believe that he was? 7. Twenty years of devotion. So, how old are they? What are they to each other? What has happened to make Sara consider the last twenty years a waste? 8. ...window and dimmed it to a dark amber. Is there glass in the window? What does it mean by 'she dimmed it'? How does she do that? Is it magic? Or is this a sci-fi story and she flips a switch? 9. ...she could see a raven. The window was just dimmed. Can she still see so clearly through it? 10. Aba Mountains. Are they significant? Why are they called the Aba Mountains? 11. ... the omen. What omen? What is it? What does it mean for Sara and David?
By making this list, I don't mean that you need to go back and systematically answer them all as part of the opening. In fact, don't. Please, don't!
What I'm trying to convey to you is that you're introducing a multitude of story elements too quickly. Take it a little slower, draw us into the scene by developing the scene in a little bit greater detail. For instance, use Sara's name in the first sentence to make it abundantly clear where Sara is. IE:
"Sara caught herself staring at David as the setting sun immersed his tower chamber in brilliant light."
I'm a bit befuddled by the "...allowed her eyes to numb with hypnotic comfort." What does that mean? That she kinda zoned out? Why? It sounds too much like you're trying too hard to be clever with the language, and failing in conveying what you mean by it.
"still allowed her eyes to numb with hypnotic comfort"
Readers are suggestible. A good thing! Tell 'em the character's heart is beating fast, and they get excited. But if you tell them her eyes are getting numb, theirs may too, which is a bad thing!
Also, I don't see why Sara would feel this way: in the next sentence we heard about her inner dissatisfaction, which isn't numbing or comforting.
I'm mildly hooked. I want to know what it's like to have a friend (lover? ex?) who's officially a god.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited June 13, 2005).]
posted
It's interesting that you've both picked up on the relationship aspect. I did not want this to come out until later on in the story.
Sara only knows that she loves David as a god, she does not yet know that she loves David the person. Now she's found out that he isn't god, thus the conflict.
But, from your comments it is clear that this beginning does not have the effect I was going for, in particular, the line, "...numb with hypnotic comfort," is awkward.
Thanks.
[This message has been edited by Shi Magadan (edited June 13, 2005).]
posted
It's a little awkward, but I did sort of like it. You do need to take it easy, let the language flow at it's own pace. Don't take agrammatical shortcuts and stuff.
posted
Whenever you put a man and a woman in the same scene and throw in some tension, that tension is automatically interpreted by your audience as sexual tension, or at the very least the potential for sexual tension. If that's not what you want you have to work quite hard to make sure your reader understands that.
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I always wonder why people start stories with charaters emotional reaction to some event when the reader doesn't (and couldn't possibly) know or care about them.
I agree with djvdakota that there are too many questions sprouting from this passage.
The 'feel' of the place works for me and the characters are interesting but I always want to know more about a charater and 'live' with them for a while before I can empathise with them.
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