posted
Ok <takes a deep breath> I'm new here and here's the first 13 of the novel I'm working on. I have about 8 chapters done, plus a few more of unedited stuff This starts with the first chapter and doesn't include the prologue.
Legacy of the Medallion
The black imp mewled piteously as the dark force fell upon it. It pawed at it’s face and rolled in the dirt before sitting up and cocking it’s head. It listened to a voice it had never heard before and was filled with a new awareness. Moving silently from tree to bush to shrub, it neared the old woman’s porch. Its eyes glittered eerily in the glow of the first moon. Slinking under the silver bush beside the steps, it pricked its finely tuned ears and settled in, an uninvited and unacknowledged guest. Alwynne ran her gnarled fingers over Armina’s braids. “Mina, all will come about in its own time.” Armina felt restless in their sleepy village. Her lessons in the elementals with Alwynne were progressing well enough but far too slow for her taste. The sweet fragrance of the thick hyacinth vine drifted over the porch and brought to mind thoughts of far away, exotic places. She sighed. “Grandmother, do you use your magic to read my thoughts?”
posted
[deletions] in brackets, COMMENTS and ADDITIONS in all caps.
POV problems (as described below), and for me, a lot of confusion. There's too much I don't know about what's happening.
Finally, I'll note that having a girl dream of faraway places is so ordinary I'm not at all hooked. The imp thing may hook me, depending on what it's about.
I'm going to post again, and show some things I think might help.
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The black imp mewled piteously as the dark force fell upon it. It pawed at it’s face and rolled in the dirt before sitting up and cocking it’s head. It listened to a voice it had never heard before and was filled with a new awareness. [IF YOU TELL US WHAT THIS IS AN AWARENESS OF, YOU WON'T NEED THIS PHRASE.] Moving silently from tree to bush to shrub, it neared the old woman’s porch. Its eyes glittered eerily in the glow of the first moon. Slinking under the silver bush beside the steps, it pricked its finely tuned ears and settled in, an uninvited and unacknowledged guest. [RECOMMEND YOU PICK A POINT OF VIEW AND STICK WITH IT, AT LEAST WITHIN A SCENE. THE IMP'S POINT OF VIEW WILL BE HARD. WE'VE BEEN WITH IT FOR A FULL PARAGRAPH AND WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S GOING TO THE PORCH, WHERE IT CAME FROM, OR WHAT IT KNOWS (IF ANYTHING) ABOUT THE DARK FORCE.
WHEN YOU SAY IT'S AN UNINVITED, UNACKNOWLEDGED GUEST, I THINK YOU'RE SWITCHING TO OMNISCIENT POV. LEGAL, BUT HARDER TO PULL OFF.]
Alwynne ran her gnarled fingers over Armina’s braids. [NOW WE'VE GOT A NEW POV. DISTRESSING! I'M NOT SURE HOW THIS RELATES TO THE IMP, ALSO.] “Mina, [IT'S CERTAINLY LEGAL TO DO THIS, BUT SINCE WE'RE JUST GETTING TO KNOW THE CHARACTERS, I SUGGEST ONE FORM OF A NAME PER CHARACTER.] all will come about in its own time.” [WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?]
Armina felt restless in their sleepy village. [ANOTHER POV?] Her lessons in the elementals with Alwynne were progressing well enough but far too slow for her taste. The sweet fragrance of the thick hyacinth vine drifted over the porch and brought to mind thoughts of far[ ]away, exotic places. She sighed. “Grandmother, do you use your magic to read my thoughts?”
posted
I'm going to have a stab at clarifying this. All the STUFF I ADD IN CAPS, it's just what I imagine you might have meant -- I'm not trying to tell you what your story is.
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Legacy of the Medallion
The black imp mewled piteously as the dark force fell upon it. It pawed at it’s face and rolled in the dirt before sitting up and cocking it’s head. It listened to a voice it had never heard before and was filled with a new awareness.
NO MORE CREEPING ABOUT IN THE DARK AND LOOKING FOR BUGS TO EAT [OR WHATEVER THE HECK UN-POSSESSED IMPS USUALLY DO]: IT WAS A PUPPET TO A NEW MISSION, AN EVIL MISSION, WHICH VERY WELL MIGHT GET IT DESTROYED. IT COULD CRY; IT COULDN'T STOP ITSELF.
Moving silently from tree to bush to shrub, it neared the old woman’s porch. Its eyes glittered eerily in the glow of the first moon. Slinking under the silver bush beside the steps, it pricked its finely tuned ears and settled in TO WAIT.
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SITTING ON HER GRANDMOTHER'S PORCH [NOTE THAT THIS LINKS THIS SCENE TO THE LAST -- SO WE KNOW THE IMP IS NEARBY], HAVING GRANDMOTHER BRAID HER HAIR, Armina sighed. Her lessons in the elementals with Alwynne were progressing well enough but far too slow for her taste. The sweet fragrance of the thick hyacinth vine drifted over the porch and brought to mind thoughts of far away, exotic places.
“Mina, all will come about in its own time,” GRANDMOTHER SAID.
“Grandmother, do you use your magic to read my thoughts?”
posted
Generally, you should post the first thirteen lines of your text, even if you are calling it a prologue. Just post whatever is going to be on that half page the editor sees first.
Also, it is good if you can clarify what you want to get out of this thread.
posted
Thanks for the feedback, Wbriggs Is this any better? Meenie
Legacy of the Medallion
The black imp mewled piteously as the dark force fell upon it. It pawed at its face and rolled in the dirt before sitting up and cocking its head. It listened to a voice it had never heard before and was filled with a new awareness. Moving silently from tree to bush to shrub, it neared the old woman’s porch. Its eyes glittered eerily in the glow of the first moon. Slinking under the silver bush beside the steps, it pricked its finely tuned ears and settled in to wait and to listen. Mina stood on the porch, looking into the twilight sky with her Grandmother, Alwynne. She felt restless in their sleepy village. Her lessons in the elementals with Alwynne were progressing well enough but far too slow for her taste. The sweet fragrance of the thick hyacinth vine drifted over the porch and brought to mind thoughts of far away, exotic places. Alwynne ran her gnarled fingers over Armina’s braids. “Mina, all will come about in its own time.” She sighed. “Grandmother, do you use your magic to read my thoughts?”
posted
ACK Survivor... You're right, I'm sorry. Let me try again... Here's the first 13 from the beginning. I guess I'm trying to get to the story too quickly What am I looking for? Critiques, readers, to know how the reader feels as he/she reads this... This is a heroic quest-type fantasy, just good-ole swords and sorcery. I'm not looking so much to write "outside the box" as I'm trying to tell a good tale with characters that are likeable or at least memorable. Meenie
Prologue
Dreth’s rage had not faltered after 58 years of imprisonment. All of his beautiful, evil power confined to this misted island and the only way he could view the rest of the world was through his shadows. They could weave their way through the woven layers of magic that imprisoned him and find a host without the spirit to fend them off. Then he could watch, he could follow, could even attack within the physical limitations of his host, but these soul-less creatures could not channel his perfect magic. His heart was filled to bursting with the fury of it. He could not guide the course of the world through them. There was only one way he could break the magic that bound him and that was to find it’s source and destroy it. He’d spent the last 58 years looking for it and would never stop until he’d found it. And when he found it, nothing would help those who stood against him.
I The black imp mewled piteously as the dark force fell upon it. It pawed at its own face and rolled in the dirt before sitting up and cocking its head. It listened to a voice it had never heard before and was filled with a new awareness. Moving silently from tree to bush to shrub, it neared the old woman’s porch.
posted
Surprisingly, the "prologue" you omitted before is actually more interesting and engaging to me than the place you originally started. I can see why you called it a prologue, it takes the POV of a character that is probably not going to be a major POV character in the rest of the story.
It's interesting that you were able to notice that and identify that part as prologue (rather a short one, but I'll get to that later), because the part that follows is not in any well defined POV. Nor does the wandering narrative serve any clear purpose on its own account, we only have a clear idea what is happening if we already read the prologue.
I'm going to suggest that the part about the imp should still be from Dreth's (by the way, kind of a lame name for your baddie) POV, since he is watching and following by controlling it. Further, the prologue itself should be longer, you should give us a taste of Dreth's mentality and motives rather than rather blandly stating them. Further, use a solid tense to establish it as a scene happening at a particular point in time rather than possibly being a summary of how he's spent the last fifty-eight years.
A point to consider, really evil people may know perfectly well that they are "evil"--that the behavior they engage in is universally condemned--but they just don't care. Some dabble in evil for "shock value", just do things to get a rise out of everyone, and some indulge in a wish to "educate" the world around them in the realities of power/life/whatever, but that isn't the core of being evil (indeed, the behaviors I've just described are not, of themselves, evil). The core of being evil is to want evil things, and not be concerned about whether they're evil or not. To show us that this guy is really evil, let us in on what he wants to do once he gets loose (just wanting to have freedom from imprisonment, though something that many evil people want, is not itself an evil desire either).
Oh, and consider renaming the guy.
Overall, I'm not ready to commit to reading much further, but if your story is pretty formulaic, then presentation issues are your main concern anyway. And I think that you do need to work on your bad guy a bit more. He's interesting, but not all there yet.
posted
*mysteriously appears from a veil mist--after an extended absence from this forum*
I'm with Survivor on this one. I think, as he stated previously, the "prologue" is more interesting than the place you'd originally began your story.
Also, I agree that the name "Dreth" is a bit too..."nice" (for lack of a better word) for that character. When I am trying to come up with a good name for a villian, I usually think hard consonants like "k" or "t" as opposed to softer consonants (or combonations of consonants) like "sh," "th," or "j." I also try to stick to short vowel sounds as they, at least to me, suggest a tougher, meaner character. The name "Rex," for instance (although, considering the genre of your story, Rex would not be a good name either).
posted
Thanks, Survivor, for your observations - they give me a lot to think about. Other critters of this tale also feel that the prologue should be longer and eventually it will be. It's interesting that a lot of other critters liked Dreth's name.(I chose it because it's close to Death) When you stop and think about it, his name comes from his Mama... would it necessarily reflect his temperment? If a child were named "Sweetie Pie" would it mean he would have to grow up to be a sweet loving member of society? lol. Of course, I guess I'm Dreth's Mama and as such have a bit more of a hint about what his personality is to be. I have another story (Magic's Way) in which the baddie's name is Nol'Strak'nor... is that better for an evil guy? Realistically speaking, though, I do know that this need a lot of work yet, but Armina's character is strong and wants to tell its story A little further along in the story, almost her entire family is murdered brutally and she wants revenge on the person she thought was a friend but who caused her life to be turned upside down. She (like the author) knows she has a lot to learn and sets out to find the training she needs. Which is why she and I are here! While it's true she's a female and she hopes to find adventure outside of her little village, her idea of adventure at this point is simply to travel and see the great wide world, not to become a warrior. She gets thrust into that by events that are yet to come. Anyway, what you've said thus far has been very helpful to me. Thanks! Meenie
posted
Yeah, I wasn't thinking "nice" so much as "pathetic". "Dreth" may rhyme with "death", but it looks more like "drek" and has no interesting associations for me. Why not call him Seth? Yes, I know it's been overdone, and you probably don't want a biblical name for this milieu anyway, but it would work better than "Dreth".
Using a single apostrophe in a name is allowable, using more borders on ridicule, particularly separated by only one syllable.
Go ahead and outline/rough draft the parts of Armina's story that you're eager to tell, but do remember that we actually won't care much when her family is brutally murdered unless we're already invested in the story. Since she's a pretty boring character before her family gets murdered, it is logical to use he-who-ought-to-be-called-something-other-than-Dreth as your "hook" and entry point into the story.
It's also good because we'll be going "Oh $%^&! he's about to..." and feeling horrified about the victims, and then we'll be ready to invest in Armina as his enemy rather than just another victim.
posted
Now,now, I couldn't call him he-who-ought-to-be-called-something-other-than-Dreth because then it would have to be a Native-American story.
And you can't say "Oh#&^%@, look what he's about to do" because he doesn't do it, hehe. Not that he wouldn't like to...
Armina is boring? Sure, as boring as you or I which makes her very easy to identify with; something that will draw the reader along when she is pulled into circumstances beyond her control and has to basically re-invent herself.
The problem I'm hearing is that my hook needs to be re-baited. I'm working on that and we'll see how that goes , hopefully soon.
But I do appreciate your input. You're making me think and that's good both for me and for Mina. Thanks! Meenie Ooops, I edited this because I meant to say one more thing on Names. Character names are important and it can be hard to think one up at times, but I have to say I really really hate the ones that are unpronouncable (also unpronouncable place names). At times I don't like that name of a character (particularly hard when it's a main character) but if I really get into the story that becomes less of an issue. But if I can't pronounce the name it bugs me from start to finish and I probably won't read another story by the same author. Why do people do that?? Meenie
[This message has been edited by Meenie (edited June 06, 2005).]
posted
If you're talking about apostrophes, they are used to indicate pronounciation in certain languages, notably romanized Arabic (one of the richest sources of the early modern fantasy tradition). Sometimes people do it without any sense, though.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Actually, they can have as many apostrophes as they want as long as I can make some sense phonetically. I just hate a name that's a string of consonants (with or without a few apostrophes thrown in to indicate there might be some sort of vowel-like sound in there somewhere, lol). I guess the real problem is that what's left to me, as a reader, is basically a nameless character (or city/town/river/whatever) because I have to hear the name in my mind or it just doesn't work for me. Meenie
Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2005
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This starts with the first chapter and doesn't include the prologue.
