posted
Ok, so here's a story I'm working on. I've completed the first rough draft and am in the process of editing it for the first time. I got a little confused about how to do the first 13 lines, so I hope this is close. Sorry if I didn't get it right though.
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“I won’t.”
“You will.”
“No, Monsieur. I told you once already. My final answer is no.”
They were sitting in a quaint little French café at a table situated peacefully by the window and facing the street. There were two of them, both men yet different. The nearest to the window was noticeably coarse. His hair was black and greasy, his clothes cheap and unkempt. His fingernails were chipped with dirt buried underneath. As if afraid someone might discover him there, he compulsively sent secretive glances over his shoulder at the busy street beyond the window.
posted
"There were two of them, both men yet different."
This sentence is jarring. Doesn't seem well-structured. Not THIS, but something LIKE this? "The two men could not have been more different." I mean, not *that* cause it's a total cliche -- but something *like* that. What I'm trying to say is that some of the language could have been more clear. In your first 13 lines. Clear and concise.
posted
I read stories to find out what happened, and this dialog doesn't tell us what's being discussed. We also don't know the names of the people, or which one's saying what, or who's the POV character. Your descriptive powers are definitely good stuff, but I don't care about an unnamed man's fingernails -- I care about the conflict that's going on. Consider an alternative (overblown, but I'm making a point here):
“I won’t help you cover up space alien influence in da Vinci's paintings,” Pierre said.
“You will," Jacques said, smugly.
What an arrogant little pig he was -- and he had the power to back it up. But if Pierre turned to a life of crime, what would his dear Maman say? “No, Monsieur," Pierre said. "This is my final answer.”
Jacques sent secretive glances over his shoulder at the busy street beyond the window of the cafe, as if afraid someone might discover him there. If only someone would.
OK, I really did some bad writing there, but my point is, tell us what's up! Whatever that may be.
posted
I guess I'm in the minority. I'm hooked enough to read the next 13 lines, where I expect to learn who is talking or what they are talking about. The topic you don't cover in the second 13 lines should be covered in the third 13 lines.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Yeah, I agree that the line about them being different is jarring. I'm working on that. The whole 13 lines thing sort of skews things here a bit, because in the story, the first couple of paragraphs set it up. It's almost as if the reader were interrupting a conversation right in the middle. The next paragraph describe the second speaker, and then what they are talking about becomes clearer the more the reader "listens in".
Anyway, I have a complete rough draft if anyone would like to read it sometime. It's 21 pages at the moment though, single spaced and 12 font, so it might take you a while.
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