posted
As noted, this is the first 13 lines of Chapter 9. This was also the first part of this book that I am working on. It started as a self imposed short story project, but I really liked how I ended it (which is a hook to the next chapter) and I also liked the character I was developing. So I started thinking about the what and why of this bit and then next thing I know I had written up a 15 chapter overview. All things are flexible at this point, including the number of chapters. I'm now working on the intro/first chapter, but I'll get to that later. I know this is a bit of a slow opening, but I figured I would post the actual first 13 lines as they are now, instead of the first 13 lines of the scene as it was first written. What do you think?
-- Though it had been just short of a week, I was still wandering in the frozen wasteland. I did not know exactly what I was looking for, but I knew my goal. I had to find the North Land Palace, and there the Ice Queen. There are no maps of the wasteland. Snow and ice shift and there can be no true landmarks in such a place. My travels through the Fire Lands stood me well here, for there is not much difference between shifting dunes of sand and drifts of snow. Only the extreme of temperature and color of the landscape are changed. The Sun stone kept me warm under my layers of cloth, almost too warm, but I knew better than to expose any skin to this harsh climate.
posted
I"m not hooked, but then, this _is_ from the middle of a book!
I think it would beneit from conrete sensory detail. I think the comment that walking in fire dunes isn't that different from walking in snow or ice illustrates that you haven't really imagined it yet. Thoroughly picture it! Feel that cold, and what that cold air does to the throat, and notice the consistency of the snow, etc.! That'll make us feel like we're there. I'm not saying bore us with endless detail, but a few bits will set the scene.
posted
I also stumbled on the comparison between desert and ice. I've read a fair amount about both environments, and while they're both very hostile, they have little else in common.
One difference is in the amount of food you need to eat. It takes a huge number of calories just to stay alive in Antarctica. (I can't remember the name of the book now, but these two guys walked across Antarctica primarily to study how the body works under those conditions. That's the kind of information you're going to need.) Hydration is a concern in both places but the solutions are very different. In an icy environment there's the danger that the ice isn't sound and that one step will tumble you into a crevasse. There aren't a lot of predators in Antarctica, but there are in the Sahara, both human and animal, and travelers need to be careful. Of course your world may vary.
For more than you ever wanted to know about how sand dunes are created and how they move, read The Physics of Blown Sand and Desert Dunes, by RA Bagnold. I've never researched snow drifts but I suspect there's a comparably obsessive volume out there on the subject. For experiences in extreme cold, I'd start by reading about Shackleton, and then go from there. For desert, I'd start with William Langweische. The travel section of your library will have a lot of books to choose from. Do a lot of reading in both and then decide if the comparison is valid. Sounds like a lot of work just for one comparision, but if you're also showing your character's adventures in the Fire Land, the reading will come in handy.
Sorry to go on and on. I'm just really interested in both environments.
posted
It's difficult to start with a chapter that isn't the first with only 13 lines to go on. In the opening paragraph of a new story (ie chapter I or Prologue if you have one..) you want to have something that hooks the reader. In the opening paragraph of an internal chapter, that hook isn't as important, although you always want to keep the reader interested. This particular 13 just shows us that your central character is traveling and she has a destination. It doesn't tell us much about her because, presumably, we'd know her well by this point.
quote:Though it had been just short of a week, I was still wandering in the frozen wasteland.
this sentence has a serious opposing dichotomy, the first part "though it had been just short of a week" tells us it hasn't been a long time. But the second part:"I was still wandering in the frozen wasteland" seems to indicate it had been too long. she shouldn't STILL be wandering...
quote:for there is not much difference between shifting dunes of sand and drifts of snow.
I think the similarity would end with the appearance...
quote:The Sun stone kept me warm under my layers of cloth
I like the sun stone... I'd suggest starting your first chapter and posting the first 13 of that.
[This message has been edited by Meenie (edited July 02, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Meenie (edited July 02, 2005).]
posted
The reference is designed to be part of the map comment, limited and visual only. Further description of the cold is later, I didn't want too much weather to early, and I'm focusing on character instead of milue. I haven't really done any changes to the section. I first wrote it as a short story, but since have developed even more of a story around it and this got moved to chapter 9 in the current play of things. That's why I submitted it as a first 13. At this point I'm not sure if I've missed the mark completely with use of the comparison and should remove it, or just change it slightly. I had planned to leave it in there since it would be a reference point to Chapter 7, where she got the Sun Stone. Also, I thought it was a good example of how she tries to oversimplify things. So, clip or edit? In regards to knowing the enviroment, truthfully I know more about sand dunes from growning up around deserts than I know about snow dunes, but I've seen video of snow blowing off of little hills and figured if you change the colors a bit the picture would be transposable. Also, I want to thank every one for feedback. Every bit helps!
[This message has been edited by JmariC (edited July 04, 2005).]
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