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Pain. It never let up. The heavy summer air enveloped him as he stepped onto the concrete slab known as the back porch. He sniffed the air. The torture that coarsed through his brain was all that he could sense. He knew the only way to get rid of it. One way! The muscles in his eyelid twitched as he surveyed the kingdom of his suburban back yard. Inflict. First step. The decrepit screen door slammed shut behind with a hollow resonance, still his eyes strained to find his quarry. Memories of what it was like without pain had almost faded away, but he did remember that a life free from this does exist.
[I am new at this and Need critisms please!!You can email me if you want to take the time to read the entire story. hcsarubin@mac.com I am also looking for a discussion group. ]
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How long is the full story? I may be able to offer a crit, though I'm pretty busy for the next few days.
A couple of points. It should be "coursed", not "coarsed" through his brain. The final sentence should probably be "a life free from it could exist" or "did exist", depending whether you're referring to his hopes of escape, or just his past.
I get the feeling that the lead character is a dog, from the "sniffed the air" line. Oh, and one other thing - "the muscles in his eyelid twitched" could be read as implying he's cyclopean. As he isn't (you then mention "his eyes"), then "the muscles in one eyelid twitched" might work better.
posted
This is good. I got the feeling the guy was a vampire. Maybe that's just cause I've read too many vampire stories. I think that you should give the guy a name right off. It's always a good idea to avoid confusion. Especially since Brian thought it was a dog. Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Thanks for the quick feedback. The story is about 1800 words. Hmm... dog and a cyclops. I am not sure what the procedure is for the forum as far as giving plot points away. I can say that the ending is meant as a twist.
Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2005
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Good start. A few comments: * "He knew only one way to get rid of it" OK. You set me up. He knows what it is, now let me the reader know. Right after this sentence would be a great time. Is it to inflict pain on others? Spell it out. If you do, then I'll be with you. I'll trust you, and I'll start to hope and worry right with your hero. * In the last paragraph, you come back to how the pain makes him feel. It's old news, because you've already talked about the pain. Move ahead. Now he's after the quarry, let's stay on the chase. * A minor writing thing: It is easier for the reader to stay involved if your language is simple and clear. So, instead of: "as he stepped onto the concrete slab known as the back porch," maybe just say: "as he stepped onto the back porch." If it is really important to us to know that the porch was a concrete slab, maybe add an addition sentence: "The concrete felt cold on his bare feet," or something. * By the same token: "The torture that coarsed through his brain was all that he could sense" could be reduced to "the pain screamed through his brain."
This opening promises conflict and adventure, and a character that isn't all too moral, since he's willing to inflict pain to reduce his own. Interesting premise!
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"Hmm... dog and a cyclops. I am not sure what the procedure is for the forum as far as giving plot points away. I can say that the ending is meant as a twist."
Your point of view character knows what he is. I know he knows what he is. If you don't tell me the reader what he is *up front*, I will feel cheated and will stage a hissy fit.
It's not usually good procedure to hide things from the reader that the POV character knows. Tell us what he knows, then we'll really be with you, hoping and interested in what happens.
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Sorry I should clarify... When I was asking about proper procedure, I was speaking about these (the HatRack) forums not my story. My question. Is there a unwritten policy as to giving away to much of my plot before some one asks for it. I don't wish to potentially spoil anything for some one you may read more of the story. Or am I just silly
Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2005
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It doesn't matter in this case, since anything the POV character starts out knowing isn't a plot point you can legitimately hide for later, but...sortof.
Basically, once people say that they would need to know something up front, you should go ahead and let them know so they can give you better feedback on how (and when) to present that information in your story. As long as we get the opportunity to read and form an impression of your opening before that, we'll be fine. Since the forum is in "last post last" order, there is no difficulty.
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My email address is hcsarubin@mac.com . Contact me if you are interested in receiving an email containing the full version of the story. Please specify format that you need, doc,rtf,pages.
This is the first story I have ever put out to be reviewed by my peers, so I felt very vulnerable, but I have to say the feedback has been good, professional, and prompt. Thank you and keep it coming, Horst
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