posted
Now, this here is part of my prologue (the ONLY part written in present tense, by the way)which sets the scene for the beginning of the story. I have quite a large history to go through, so I won't be surprised if you guys give me the old "It doesn't grab me out of my seat." If there is anyone who would like to vollunteer to read it... I am currently in the process of editing myself, so if something doesn't sound quite right, I probably have it fixed on a separate copy, which I don't have before me now... enjoy!
---Newest Version
The shadow of an eagle plays against the stone pavement and one story buildings which are the only objects visible into the horizon. The eagle does not care of this—he cares only for survival. His lands are taken and he is forced to change, to adapt to the world of men. America has long forgotten her pact with nature, but she has also learned to live without it. Through technological advancements, trees and fruit bearing plants are grown rapidly, their harvests are collected and the waste is thrown to the furnaces. Oxygen plants are constructed due to the lack of adequate vegetation, and there man flourishes. In America he has become an indestructible curse of machinery and population, taking everything for himself and leaving nothing behind. There are those who revolt, who go to live in what little nature can be found, but even through these innocent acts they disturb the wildlife further. It is a land of domination, a racial monopoly of men under a government which is charged with the further advancement of this beast.
---Old Version
The shadows of an eagle in flight plays against the stone pavement and one story buildings which, in their human creation, are the only objects visible into the horizon. The eagle does not care of this—he cares only for survival. His lands are taken and he is forced to change, to adapt to the world of men. No longer can he find solace in the simplicity of a lakeside forest—there are few lakes and fewer forests to be found anywhere. America has long forgotten her pact with nature, but she has also learned to live without it. Trees in the wild within even 50 miles of any given city are sparse, but even so men have discovered ways of sustaining life—their own, of course.
Through technological advancements, trees and fruit bearing plants are grown in rapid spans of time, their harvests collected and the waste disposed of into the sun. Oxygen plants are constructed due to the lack of ample vegetation, and man flourishes. He is an indestructible curse of machinery and population, taking everything for himself and leaving nothing for others.
[This message has been edited by hopekeeper (edited July 07, 2005).]
posted
The following is mainly to point out that wordiness can get you into strife when it doesn't add anything to the story except length. I think the milieu has potential, but the style is cavalier and flippant.
quote: The shadows of an eagle in flight plays
An eagle has only one shadow, unless there are multiple light sources.
quote: in their human creation, are the only objects visible into the horizon.
'human creation' is meaningless without context, and quite possibly meaningless with context too.
quote: The eagle does not care of this—he cares only for survival. His lands are taken and he is forced to change, to adapt to the world of men. No longer can he find solace in the simplicity of a lakeside forest—there are few lakes and fewer forests to be found anywhere.
An generally unhelpful and ambiguous passage.: 1: Eagle POV is anthropomorphised. If it cares only for survival why does it seek solace? 2: Why is a lakeside forest simple? Surely the monoculture that passes below the eagle is simpler. 3: What pact has America made with nature? 4: The passage ends with 'of course'. Why is it 'of course'? What part of the passage is 'of course'. There are many people who care about the environment and the lives of other creatures, what happened to them? What parameters are you assuming the reader understands and accepts with this "of course". There must be environmental advocates in this milieu OR something happened to them, the possibilities cannot be contemplated by the reader with the given information therefore subsequent logical assumptions are impossible. 5: Are you deliberately setting-up a parallel between the eagle and the Americans -- that both care for nothing but their own survival? Because right now it looks like an unitended but clear parallel that undermines your theme.
quote: rapid spans of time
What is a rapid span? It is a confused phrase. Rapid is time, span is distance. Perhaps you should say 'rapidly' or the commonly accepted 'timespan' and avoid wordiness.
quote: their harvests collected and the waste disposed of into the sun.
This last line could be considered humorous, as if there are sewer pipes running out of the house and up into outer space. Perhaps they fire their excrement at the sun from massive backyard jobby-cannons. Why would organic waste be trucked away? I assume that space technology is still expensive otherwise these Americans would colonise other worlds, so how do they afford the waste bills?
I understand you may be talking about environmental contaminants, but you have gone to some effort to establish that your Americans don't care about the environment.
quote: lack of ample
another confused phrase, should be 'lack of adequate.'
quote: He is an indestructible curse of machinery and population, taking everything for himself and leaving nothing for others.
We were talking about Americans and now we are talking about All Mankind. This reads as confused thinking.
The passage strikes me as wordy and pretentious. But wordy in a 'that word doesn't mean what you think it means' kind of way. It sound false and forced.
If you were to write more simply and drop the 'voice-over' affectation, it would probably be very interesting.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited July 05, 2005).]
posted
... *goes and cries in corner* Haha, I'm just kidding. I really appreciate your tough criticisms--that's the problem with my current writing environment: everyone just tells me how great it is because they can't do it themselves... although I was hoping I could hide behind my wordiness for a bit longer. And many of your questions would have been answered in the following 26 or however many lines, but I can see now that this entire passage could easily go from what it is now (I think it's 7 paragraphs) to 2 or 3. Especially since it doesn't contribute to the story at all, other than setting the stage, history, and possibly making the reader feel a little empathy. Being succinct here would be an extremely good idea, I see that now. Thanks a bunch! Although I now feel very... inexperiencd and naked, for a lack of better words.
Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I think "inexperienced" and "naked" are exactly the perfect words. We all feel that way when someone takes a critical look at our work - especially if it is the first time we've gotten honest feedback. Please don't be daunted.
I'm curious about what the real story is, once you get past the eagle.
posted
Haha, you should be. I don't mean to be arrogant, cocky, or biased, but this plot is pretty deep when you combine it with all of the history and such... And no, I will not be daunted. A good writer should know that s/he has to improve. A better writer should know to keep their pride in check and take advice. I'm not worried about it too much--well, I am, but you know what I mean. I've got my whole life to make this story "perfect."
I hope nobody is offended by my... intense view of America in the (far) future... a lot of things have happened in it's history and I just hope it doesn't come off as if I hate this place...
[This message has been edited by hopekeeper (edited July 05, 2005).]
posted
Well, you won't find out with that attitude. Even though I'm young and inexperienced in wording, I would like advice instead of "you better have a good story," which I just might... if you'd give me a chance.
Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
THAT was advice. Hoptoad's post was NOT. And the version I have on that public forum is going to differ quite a bit from the finished version... or should I take it off anyway? Thank you for giving me information. I do appreciate it and I appologize for my... quickness to misjudge the situation. All is well. -hopekeeper
Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Yeah I took it off... I'm still going to give it to the people who ask to read it via e-mail though... It just never occured to me that something that small could take away my rights... Oh well it's okay now.
Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I was not drawn by this prologue. A question: does the reader really need all that background immediately? I bet we don't.
It might be best to simply start with your story and work this in as we go. You could work it in by showing the characters dealing with oxygen plants etc. or in dialogue or POV when it arises. That way it isn't an expository lump. We simply learn about this place in the first few scenes as we get the story.
posted
Hopekeeper, don't be so easily offended. We are friends here. It was meant as good-natured banter. I should have put a smilie with it. So here it is belatedly:
I mentioned the milieu thing because we all do it from time to time; fall in love with a setting and spend our time working on the world at the expense of characters and story.
I was not saying you did that nor that your story was a pile of crap. I have not read it.
Why don't you post the first thirteen lines of the story where it begins after the prologue?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited July 07, 2005).]
posted
How does that work with the saleable rights? Is it just if you post on two, you can't sale it or what?
By the way, I agree that the info should be woven in. It isn't quite as boring, sorry, as it could be. It has always been hard for me to read tons of background all in the same spot, it loses my interest.
Good luck fixing it up! (a smile of encouragement)
posted
The main thing to recognize is that if you post something on the internet, even your own web site, it is considered published. That is what you need to be concerned about.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Right, thanks for the smily hoptoad. Okay, well... yeah I just realized that none of the information in that prologue was relevant to the story... it's all history, and I think I subconciously wrote it for my other story... wierd. But the real problem is there isn't much hook in the first thirteen of the story either... I'm bad at beginnings. Oh well, here goes:
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Paul could not contain the raw excitement which he felt. After five years of long research, he had finally been summoned to give his presentation. He failed to notice that his step had increased considerably, but the odd glances which he received made him aware of it. Slowing to a more natural walk, he contented himself with humming a symphony. The floor he was on was the entryway to the rest of the building, and on it lay many assistance desks and cubicles. The carpet was a soft red and it accented the emptiness that Paul felt as he knew that to any side of him there was an 800 foot gap to the next wall. He was in the middle of the floor now, and it felt to him as if the sheer massiveness of the building itself would engulf him. As he was nearing the edge of the compound he began to worry—-he had seen no sign or indication of any "executive lift." Checking the note he had received in the mail once more only caused more confusion. The message only gave him the address of the building and which lift to take—the far executive lift. He reached the end of the walkway he was in and asked an assistance lady for help. "Um, excuse me, could you possibly tell me where to find the elevator which goes down to the first floor?"
---
Even this has nothing to do with the plot... is that really such a bad thing? I guess I should mention this "presentation" deals with dimensional travel, so if you were wondering where that could POSSIBLY come up, well there it is. But still, the idea behind this entire world is quite unordinary in that the story of my main character (not this Paul fellow) is split between two novels... Although it looks like I might have to restructure my entire beginning, but how to throw some action, a hook in?
posted
I dunno, I like this. You have enough anticipation built in for your readers to want to know what comes next. You don't necessarily have to have massive amounts of explosions and love triangles in your first thirteen to catch your readers' interest. All you have to do is draw your readers into your story with a sympathetic character or an interesting problem. You do it here with your character's anticipation, and the wonder about why he's so excited.
Your whole plot doesn't HAVE to be the first thing that the readers see, especially if it's a longer work. Setting up the characters is vitally important, so your readers have someone to care about throughout the plot.
posted
quote: The floor he was on was the entryway to the rest of the building
I think it would be better phrased as this: He was in the main lobby, But I'm not sure if that's what you are meaning. That phrase doesn't sound right though. Other than that, it is pretty good. It doesn't hook me though.
posted
well, it won't hook everyone I guess... but that's okay with me. I wrote it that way because in this world, buildings are built below ground, as in they detonate the earth downwards and build up from there. So the floor really is the "entryway" but I agree on how it sounds strange... I'll take a look.
Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2005
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