posted
It was said that overseas darkness had fallen, that there were those of the Unbreakable Hand. But nobody heeded the tales of the Old Lands, for few believed such a place even existed. Land ends at the ocean, folks claimed, and there is nothing beyond it.
At dawn came the warning bell. A ring, a pause, two rings. Owain leapt from his cot, fumbling for a sword that wasn’t there. He blinked at his five by ten quarters. Sleep had him in her jaws yet. Sunlight poured from a circular window, giving the paneling an orange tint. The room contained four items, a dresser, a toilet, a writing desk, a cot. No sword. ----------------------------------------------- This is a prologue I just churned out based on a dream the other night, I'm not sure if I can turn his into a YA fantasy novel or not. So far it's just 1462 words.
posted
I agree with Will. Paragraph two is a better start. And that first paragraph could be thrown in later after we've gotten to know the character a little more and we could then see the world through his eyes.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I do like the strength of the second paragraph, but I was a little confused by this:
quote:The room contained four items, a dresser, a toilet, a writing desk, a cot. No sword.
Up to that point I was reading this as a strict fantasy, with a strange feeling that it might somehow be combining a time travel aspect or something between modern times and pre-1400 (not sure what gave me that impression). Then I read the word "toilet". Because I'm thinking of Owain as some sort of knight for the days of old, etc., would he recognize a toilet as a "toilet" or as just another object in the room? I know that is a small thing to get hung up on, but depending on your POV (which appears to be Owain) and the era(s) it's just something to consider.
All that said, I actually like the first paragraph where it is. I do think you need a clearer section division. For me, it reads simillarly to what OSC did in "Ender's Game" at the beginning of each chapter.
The second part of the first sentence doesn't make sense to me, it feel incomplete. If it needs to stay as is, perhaps a change in punctuation:
It was said that overseas darkness had fallen, that there were those of the Unbreakable Hand...but nobody heeded the tales of the Old Lands; few believed such a place even existed.
posted
It might be just me, but I sort of had a double take when you said "He blinked at his five by ten quarters" at first I didn't understand what you meant- so I had to read again- it took me a second. And it seems a weird place for that to be placed- if its necessary to have the exact dimensions, try to find a different place for it. Or if you just want it to be known that it's pretty small- I'd suggest something like "He blinked at his cramped quarters" "He blinked at his small quarters"
Normally- I find it's better to avoid exact dimensions. And what about the overseas market- do people in the UK use feet to measure room size? Or Canada?
Other than that I really liked it, I like the combination of indoor plumbing and swords, and I'm curious as to why he thinks a sword is there. Leaves the reader curious. Good job.
posted
I thought he had 5-10 eyes when i first read it. I agree to start with 2nd paragrah the first lines could be at the chapter head or the front page. In it you do need a comma on overseas. I also would suggest to rearrange the lines. Start with that land ends at the ocean.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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