posted
This is the opening of a short story I drafted a couple years back. I intend to expand it to novel length, and am thinking about changing it to third person POV, but am not sure. If anyone is willing to read it and provide comments/feedback I'd be most appreciative.
Little distinguishes a treasure hunter from a thief. In either case it's about transferal of ownership. Something once belonging to another becomes yours, so long as you find a way to carry it off.
I found the map in the fourth year of King Draodor's reign. Many disputed Draodor's proclamation naming himself King of Ridon following the mysterious demise of King Hanan. Some objected so strongly they fought a war over it.
At that time I served Damda, brother of Hanan, and Draodor's chief rival for the throne. Finding ourselves at a grave military disadvantage, we hid in the distant mountain country north of Ridon. We lived in an a temple, abandoned and nearly in ruins beneath the weight of the jungle. It felt like a bad place, the home of darkness and death.
[This message has been edited by dee_boncci (edited July 16, 2005).]
posted
Interesting start. I think the first paragraph should move to the third though. It seems abit out of place there. it does have an interest factor in itself, just not in relation to the second paragraph.
The second paragraph might could use something, not sure what to make it a bit clearer.
In the third prargraph, the third sentence you used "an" and "a" together. "An" would suffice. In the fourth sentence, bad is okay, dismal might be better.
I would be happy to ready what you have, just click on the email link above and email it to me. It might be monday before I have much time. I usually take two days to do critiques.
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