posted
Here's the first 13 of my SF short. ---------- I still dream of what happened.
I suppose dream isn’t the best word. Nightmare, would be more suitable. The thing is, in my nightmares, I do exactly the same thing I did in real life. I try to take the flowers.
Let me warn you, if you are reading this, it is already too late to turn back. The government is tracking you, and you are already labeled as a subversive. Also, if this is loose on the net, I am most likely dead, and along with me, the entire world of Achen.
As you read through this account, I ask you to forget the wars of the past. There is only one war that matters; the human war. And that war, I fear, we have already lost.
posted
While I am up to my neck in critiques and dare not take on another at this time, I had to comment on your first 13. The plot sounds like familiar SF fare, but you have new elements (the flower, the fact that this world of Achen may be gone)... they make me want to read more. The writing style is clean and well done. Good job!
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited July 20, 2005).]
posted
I'm really swamped too. How short is your short? I might be able to take it if you don't mind waiting a week. I have three more in front of you that I'm already way behind on. But this looks interesting. You've got me hooked so far.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Whoa. This hooked me in. But I cant work out the connection between the third paragraph and the two before it. There's either too big a jump in here, or the answer ought to be evident very soon.
I wouldn't mind taking a closer look at the whole thing. A bit pushed for time right now, but should be able to get back some comments for beginning of next week.
I have to say, the third paragraph...I hated it. Something like that...it can work, after you've given us a lot more context...like almost the entire story. If you're going to do a "publisher's" frame, that could work as well, I've seen a few of those that I really liked. But letting that conceit hang by a single paragraph? It got hanged
Still, it's an interesting opening. Not quite enough for me yet, but maybe later.
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I might be able to take it if you don't mind waiting a week. I have three more in front of you that I'm already way behind on. But this looks interesting. You've got me hooked so far.
