posted
All right. So, after listening to a lot of suggestions and busting my ass pretty hard, I totally reworked my story. I think it comes off a lot better now, but before I get too much further into it (I'm already a good 31,000 words into it) I wanna make sure people know where I'm coming from and it flows okay.
So, if anyone is willing to read the first three chapters (or what serves as chapters) I would really appreciate it. We're talking a little over 8,000 words, and I know time is a concern for some people, but I would appreciate anyone's feedback. Especially, those who've read the earlier incarnations. (it's the "stripper story")
Here's the first 13...
quote:Casey Rayner sat alone in Baby Dolls Gentlemen’s Club, taking slow, but steady sips of his Guinness draught. He wore a charcoal Armani suit, the jacket of which was draped over the back of his chair, with a light blue Ermenegildo Zegna dress shirt, leaving the collar button undone. His pink Versace tie was still around his neck but completely untied. He brought his right leg up to rest on his left knee to wipe a smudge off his black Prada slip-ons.
He stopped and smiled. There was no reason to make sure his shoes were spotless, just like there was no reason to wear his jacket or tie his tie. Casey put both feet back on the floor and slouched a bit in his seat. He took another sip of his stout, happy that at eleven o’clock at night his fourteen-hour work day was over.
posted
Does Casey turn into a serial killer later on in the story? I ask because this reads almost presisly like American Psycho but in the third person.
I'm not saying that's in anyway wrong, it does however feel like you just closed the covers on that book before you started writing this
I've read that book (and saw the movie), but didn't even think about it.
No, the point of all the name brands is to let you know Casey's rich. I do it one other time in the story and then I just describe in generally what he's wearing.
posted
My first thought: Who dresses this man, the cotton candy lady? Charcoal, blue, and pink? Egad.
I'm not sure what you're going for. Your style is clear, and you know how to slip into POV well. The brand names--there were so many--put me off from your metrosexual character. If that's what you going for, then great! If not, you may want to flush a couple of designers.
posted
I guess I'm going to have to say this didn't grab me. I'm not interested in what he's wearing; I'm interested in what he's doing there. Throwing a bunch of brand names out there doesn't seem like a hook to me; you could get the same out of a snooty magazine.
Instead of clumsily portraying his richness with a laundry list of expensive clothing, is there any other way you can do it? Maybe show it through how he treats people around him (Does he treat the people around him as if they were below him? Does he throw his money around? Does he notice other people's affluence or lack thereof and compare it to his own?) or through how other people treat him.
Also, (and I'm absolutely not a fashion-conscious person, so I don't know if this is a concern or not) you might want to check with someone in the know about whether someone fashion-conscious would mix brands to that extent.
posted
Avoiding name dropping is a good idea. I don't remember which author's writing book siad it,actually more than one. Dropping a name brand will date your work. Often, by the second printing of your book (or even the first with clothes designers), no one will recognizer it anyway. It would be better to describe them as something like: "A very rich, soft fabric, that only a few could find." Find a description other than a brand name, as it does thow me off too. Of course, I wouldn't have a clue about any clothes designers as I design my own.
Posts: 92 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Not concerned about the story being dated. It takes place in the spring/summer of '04.
But I am thankful for the suggestions of leaving out all the name brands. Armani suit pretty much says what needs to be said.
quote:Casey Rayner sat alone in Baby Dolls Gentlemen’s Club, taking slow, but steady sips of his Guinness draught. He wore a black Armani suit, the jacket of which was draped over the back of his chair, with a white dress shirt, leaving the collar button undone. His red tie was still around his neck but completely untied. He brought his right leg up to rest on his left knee to wipe a smudge off his black slip-ons.
[This message has been edited by JOHN (edited August 02, 2005).]
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