posted
I've decided on a much different approach to my novel, deciding the old approach was too clunky and cliche. Here goes:
Drums were beating. Drums were beating, their melancholy, steady echoes jumping from building to building, clashing into each other, shaking the City to its foundations. The steady boom, boom of the drumbeats were upsetting the warm night air, arousing the City’s inhabitants, where’re they lay, whether cramped in the dark alleyways or draped in fine cotton bed sheets or drowsing while on watch atop the Palace walls, where the drums had been rolled into place. Thick leather felt the blow of solid rock as the beatings continued, as the procession of soldiers prepared the bonfire, as the dais upon which the body lay was laid in place, as the wife watched her husband’s dead body being prepared for the burning.
posted
Very nice! I like how the drums set the scene, set the mood, and draw me into the story. I'm not confused at all; I'm simply hooked. I'd only make two suggestions: "where're" made me look twice. Is that supposed to be "where ever" or "where e'er"? And the sentance about beds was a bit long for me to follow. Maybe break it up between night air/arousing? I liked the last sentance. With all those images tied up in the repeditive " , as the" form, it was like hearing the drum beats pouding. This piece definetly gets my attention.
Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I think you've captured the rhythm of the drums nicely. I'm a little concerned that your sentences are of similar length--I know, it seems trivial, but I wound up losing the details that you mention. Many of them are lovely and I'd like to have them punctuated by some variety.
I did not understand what you meant by "Thick leather felt the blow of solid rock..."
Also, in the second sentance, "The steady boom, boom of the drumbeats were upsetting..." I suspect the sentence would be stronger if you recast it without the were.
posted
I'd pretty much agree with MaryRobinette; the three long sentences need breaking up to make them more effective. You could actually just stick a Boom... in between each one, to indicate the stately rhythm of the drumbeats (I'd guess the drumbeats are far apart, to let each one reverberate before the next).
I assume the "rock on leather" line refers to the drums themselves, but rock is an odd thing to make a drumstick from. IIRC, drumsticks are normally made from something that has a bit of resilience in itself, to faciltate them bouncing straight back off the skin and letting it reverberate, rather than having an immediate dampening effect. But I could be wrong on that.
The other thing I'd suggest is not to use "the wife watched her husband's dead body". Wife and husband effectively define each other, and if she's to have any presence at all in the story, use her name right off the bat.
And I'd use "wherever", not "where'er" (and definitely not "where're" - that threw me for a moment). "Where'er" sounds poetic and is odd to see in prose. Similarly, I think "rousing" would be better than "arousing", which has sensual connotations.
But other than those petty cavils - it's a great start, creating a really effective atmosphere and drawing the reader in.
posted
I found it a little murky. You wait a long time to begin revealing the significance of these drums, and your first reference to the deceased does not make it evident that he's the king.
I'll check and see if I like the old approach any better, though.
posted
I like this, which surprises me. I finally overloaded when we got to: "Thick leather felt the blow of solid rock as the beatings continued ..." -- thinking, yes, I know the drums are beating, so let's get on with it. But then, you did, immediately after.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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scm288
unregistered
posted
Yes, I had thought that 'where’re' was a bit clunky and out of place. Thanks, wbriggs, for the input on that particular section. And I might break up the sentences a bit, as long as it fits in with the feel of the opening. Thanks, everyone!
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