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Holy Quest
“My Prince, it is imperative that you take the Quest of Blessings. Your father is getting more ill by the week and may not last much longer. If you haven’t received the Gods’ blessings there will most certainly be a civil war.” said the thin little advisor in his oily voice.
Prince Rowan considered the man for a moment. He had been assigned chief advisor just over a year ago after the previous advisor had died from a hunting accident in which he had been gored to death by a wild boar that would have gotten his father if the man had not stepped in the way. As it was, his father still received a nasty cut to the back of his leg which had become infected and was the cause of his father’s current state of illness.
This little man reminded Rowan of a golden viper, a very deadly snake that was impossible to see until it bit you. He was a constantly nervous and shifty man, unable to stay still for more than a moment. His thin black hair and glassy-looking eyes made him seem harmless, which made Rowan less likely to trust him.
“Yes Sandoval, I know that. The people will not accept a king that has not been blessed by the Gods.
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I have to say I agree with Elan. While this isn't as overwhelming as the last post in the way of description, starting with dialogue--especially dialogue that is difficult to understand (Quest of Blessings, etc.)--is not usually a good idea.

Begin with a character. Stick us in someone's head and drag us along with them. That's always your best bet for grabbing a reader.

Also this is difficult to picture: "...said the thin little advisor in his oily voice."

Whenever you put a tag, especially one at the beginning of a passage, you need to give the person a name. "Thin little" is unnecessary at this point (too many adjectives at the beginning is NOT a good idea) and "oily voice" is almost impossible to imagine. I haven't a clue what an oily voice sounds like.

"Prince Rowan considered the man for a moment." This might be a better fist sentence. But try not to dump too much info on the reader right after that. Give us a sencs of where we are, and who we're dealing with first.

Just as an exercise try to take all the adjectives and adverbs out of your first three paragraphs. It will show you how unnecessary they really are. Editors hate them and will usually become easily frustrated with a passage that has too many.

Hope this helped...

Anyway, consider giving us one sentence of Sandoval's dialogue, optionally add a speaking tag, firmly establish whose POV we are in (Rowan's), and then carry on with the rest of Sandoval's insistent dialogue.

Most of the information about Rowan's father and Sandoval in the first paragraph feels like an info-dump, at least how it is being presented. This may be important stuff, but it comes off as too much too soon. Consider spending a little longer having Rowan and Sandoval interact before launching off into any exposition -- if you're going to use this as a new beginning to yours story, that is.

That said, I think the following bit is very good and, with a slight rewrite, should come almost immediately after Sandoval's first line of dialogue:

quote:

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This little man reminded Rowan of a golden viper, a very deadly snake that was impossible to see until it bit you. He was a constantly nervous and shifty man, unable to stay still for more than a moment. His thin black hair and glassy-looking eyes made him seem harmless, which made Rowan less likely to trust him.

---

I like it because it does several things at once. First, it describes Rowan's perception of Sandoval AND establishes POV. Second, it gives us a good physical description of Sandoval. Third, it hints at conflict between the two men, which is always good.

The trick to writing effective openings is hook the reader into wanting to read further. Resist the temptation to tell us all of the reasons why something is happening right away. Give us a little bit to go on, develop the characters a little, a little bit of setting... and so on.

Speaking of setting... where is this conversation taking place? As written, it could be happening in a vacuum. Consider finding a way to gracefully tell the reader where these two characters are speaking. Nothing elaborate, just a little bit of setting description -- simply noting a room or other locale will do wonders for creating believable and engaging fiction.

Good luck.

I did feel however that this scene was too exposition heavy. I'm not sure I agree with Don Maass that there should be NO backstory in the first fifty pages, but I do agree with HSO that's a good idea to raise questions in the reader's mind (ie engage their curiosity so they'll want to read on), rather than answer questions they may not even have framed yet.

The information about how the Prince's father became incapacitated, or just how this odd little man got to be effectively in charge, can probably wait. It might be enough to set up, if this is to be the opening sequence, that the Prince knows he has to go away, but that he has serious doubts about leaving the advisor in charge. He has a dilemma to resolve and a decision to make.

It's good to have high stakes, but I wonder a little about the threat of a civil war--can that really be averted just by the Blessings Quest? A threat of civil war suggests there's already a lot of dissension in the kingdom and opposition to the Prince's father, even though he, presumably, has completed the Quest. How has the rival faction achieved such a position of strength? How will the Quest defeat them?

I think opening with dialogue is a valid call if you can make it work. I do think the dialogue tag should appear a little earlier . The reader will be wanting to get a handle on who's speaking.

Although I think pixydust's advice to stick us in the Prince's head is sound, I have to disagree that editors hate adverbs and adjectives. I wonder if pixydust is even aware how many adjs and advs they used in their advice NOT to use them.

Adjs and advs are essential to writing. Their excessive or inappropriate use is obviously hateful to editors in general , but so would be excessive or inappropriate use of pronouns, articles, verbs, or any other parts of speech. Remove them all (and you'd be surprised how many words that aren't normally considered to be adjs and advs actually are), and this paragraph would be reduced to gibberish.

I have some problems with the description of the advisor. Although it's obvious that work has gone into it, it strikes me as contradictory in the details.

Think for a moment about how the advisor is described. He's golden--and black. He's impossible to see until he strikes--but he's constantly moving and shifting around. Bear in mind that the eye is drawn to movement . To go unseen, you have to keep still. He reminds the Prince of a very deadly snake, and yet he looks harmless. For me, this just doesn't work. Try instead to develop a metaphor for the advisor that is consistent with how he's described (or vice versa).